Just Trying to do what's right
by kathey'ssis
Summary: John Gage is late for work but before his captain gets totally irate he's brought in by the previous shift his blood covered apearance is evidence enough that something bad has happened now to move forward, using baby steps at first. Warning some Violence
1. Chapter 1

**Just Trying To Do What's Right**

"Five minutes till Roll call!" Captain Stanley's voice rang through the station.

Roy tucked his uniform shirt in and looked over at the locker that had yet to be opened that morning. 'Guess we know who's going to get latrine duty this morning.' Roy thought to himself as Chet and Marco moved out of the locker room talking about their weekends as they walked.

Roy let out a sigh before shutting his locker door and moving into the kitchen for a cup of coffee before Roll call.

Both the truck and the squad were still out on a run so the station seemed empty as Roy accepted a cup of coffee from Mike before sitting down to drink it.

"Looks like Johnny had a late night," Mike commented as he sat down next to Roy to drink his cup of coffee. Between sips of coffee Roy looked at the door, still no partner walking through.

As the rest of the crew moved into the empty bay to line up for roll call, Roy made one last check of the locker room. The men stood in line up minus one for three minutes past the time they were supposed to start their shift.

The men started shifting nervously and Mike announced, "I'll be right back."

Just as he stepped out of the line up Captain Hank Stanley stepped out of the office with a clip board in his hands. Captain Stanley carefully schooled his facial expressions then stepped up in front of his men and looked up into their faces. With cautious curiosity the men watched their captain as he moved his eyes down the line up. "Anybody know where Gage is?"

No one answered and only a few shook their head at the question that had been asked. Hank took in a deep breath and held it then blew it out slowly.

"Alright let's get started. I just got off the phone with headquarters," that explained the captain being late for roll call. "C Shift has had a bad one, one that has kept them out all night. They'll be back here shortly but there are a couple of bullet holes in the hoses, this station is stood down until the police have finished their investigation and then we need to work quickly to trade out the hose so we can get back in service.

Mike would you please make sure there's a fresh pot of coffee for the men, Marco if I remember right there is some ready to bake cinnamon rolls in the refrigerator do you think you can get those baking. I'm sure I can count on all of you to offer moral support to our brothers and let them know that we're there for them. They are being required to stay at the station until released by the police. That could end up being a very long morning for them. We are to accommodate and assist in the investigation; however we are asked and to stay out of their way the rest of the time."

"Do we know what kind of a rescue they had?" Roy asked in preparation of his assignment to offer moral support. Without the squad he wasn't going to be able to do much medically.

"Sorry I was not given that information. The last call logged came in as an assist police," Hank answered and then dismissed his men to attempt to make the station more comfortable for the returning crew.

Hank had just turned to head to the office and call his wayward paramedic when the bay door opened and the engine backed into the bay. Hank paused and watched the engine back into place looking over the side for signs of bullet holes and then to the men in the crew seats. Just as he had feared their faces were solemn and blank with trauma.

Captain Tollins the unlucky C Shift Captain swung out of the cab of the engine before it stopped moving and hurried around to the driver side.

"Hank?" he called.

"I'll be right with you Ron, I've got one I need to wake up and get him to work." Hank responded and proceeded toward the office preparing to be appropriately upset with Gage.

"Hank," Ron repeated and one look at his face and Hank knew whatever he needed couldn't wait. Captain Stanley altered his course and stepped up to the side of his counterpart to have his gaze directed up into the cab as the engineer pushed the driver's door open.

Hank first noticed the face of the engineer which held the same solemn expression as the rest of the men who were still in their seats turning to look into the cab. The engineer's hand, rested on the shoulder of his missing Paramedic, currently seated in the middle seat, John Gage was covered with blood and looked as if he didn't know for sure where he was.

Hank stood motionless and confused for a moment, confused as to what had happened as well as confused about what to do next. He took in a breath and held it before blowing the air out slowly, in which time he realized that if any of the blood that was covering his paramedic was his, he'd be at Rampart and not at the station sitting in the middle seat of the engine.

"The Chief instructed us to bring him back to the station, his apartment is now a crime scene under investigation, He couldn't remember if he had a change of clothes in his locker or not but he needs to shower and the police need the clothes he's wearing for their investigation." Captain Tollins helped Hank with the 'what to do next'.

"Roy!" Hank summoned and wasn't disappointed with the speed in which his paramedic jogged to his side. "See to your partner."

"His clothes need to go in this bag." Captain Tollins added as he took the plastic bag, marked evidence from his engineer, and handed it to Roy. The Medics were instructed to bring him back a set of scrubs just in case he doesn't have any other clothes in his locker; I'd advice against putting him in uniform."

One look at their friend and both Roy and Captain Stanley had to agree.

"What happened?" Hank started turning to look at his counterpart.

"Domestic violence case gone bad, real bad, we honestly don't know what he saw or what happened in there. My medics just dealt with what he managed to throw over the balcony railing to them, while the rest of us stood by to give fire support and offer a distraction with the sirens and water streams from the hoses. He was alone with an armed gunman and another injured hostage for several hours, after getting two police officers with gunshot wounds and four totally terrified kids who were holed up in the apartment next door to where all the action was taking place, to three pair of medics at the site. When all was said and done one person left the second apartment in an ambulance the other in a body bag and we were told by the chief to bring John here back to the station with us."

The previous shifts Engineer began to shake Johnny trying to get him to respond and get out of the engine.

"Let me," Roy called, wiggling his fingers toward himself to encourage the engineer to climb out and make room for him to get to his partner. As the engineer moved out of his seat, Roy placed his feet in the step holds and pulled himself up at the same time. Once Roy was behind the steering wheel he quickly took a hold of John's wrist to count a pulse, before placing both hands on the side of John's face.

"Johnny, Johnny can you hear me," Roy talked as he pulled John's face toward him. With only a faint sign of recognition in his eyes, Roy was inspired to check his friend's pupils as he continued to talk, "Come on Johnny talk to me." Both were dilated his friend was going into shock. "I need the first aid kit off the engine."

Hank raced around to the other side of the engine arriving in time to take the first aid kit from one of the previous shifts linemen, the first aid kit on the engine didn't carry near the amount of stuff the squad carried, just some bandaging, to treat minor stuff or keep bleeding under control until the squad arrived, and the supplies necessary to gather vitals. Since the squad wasn't back yet it was all they had. There was a limited supply of ammonia ampoules that Roy was thinking about using to get his partners  
>attention if he needed to.<p>

With the first aid kit in his hands Hank pulled himself up into the cab on the other side of his youngest Paramedic and after opening the kit and placing it where Roy could grab what he needed, Hank started rubbing John's back.

"Cap?" John acknowledged his superior, "Sorry I'm late."

"That's okay John, from what I can see and what I'm hearing you went to work rather early." Hank kept his hand on his man, as a show of support but stopped rubbing his back while Roy took a blood pressure reading.

"How is it?" John asked as Roy released the pressure on the cuff.

Roy was relieved to have his partner and friend talking to him, "It's a little low, even for you," Roy replied but he could already tell that things were improving. John's respirations were deepening and his color improving as well as improvement in his alertness. Roy knew that he'd get much better readings when he rechecked them in five minutes. Roy still noticed the trembling hands, still showing blood left behind after he'd washed his hands in the fire hose. One look at their captain on Johnny's other side and Roy knew he'd noticed too.

"Cap," Johnny started to talk, his voice trembling slightly also, "I'm, I'm, I'm really alright I just, I think I need some time to, to a, to pull myself together, um, a, little, be, before I a, before I can work."

"That's alright Pal," Hank placed a hand on the back of John's neck and gave it an affectionate squeeze. "You take all the time you need. When you're ready to move a little let's start by getting you out of this cab and getting you cleaned up a little. How does that sound?"

Johnny was just starting to move toward getting out of the engine when Hank looked through the windshield and noticed several strangers entering the bay wearing police uniforms and jackets with markings identifying them at law enforcement of one kind or another.

Hank helped John down through the passenger side as Roy hurried around to help his partner once he was on the ground. As Roy took over steadying his partner from the Captain he found Chet had stepped up on John's other side and his face was showing his concern.

They let Johnny set the slow pace for the locker room and soon found a police investigator had fallen in step behind them. While Roy and Chet worked together to help Johnny strip out of his bloodied clothes, He was allowed to retrieve his wallet and keys from the pockets and then the police investigator at their side took the blood soiled clothes in his gloved hands and folded them, just enough to get them all in the evidence bag. That included his socks and his underwear as a towel was wrapped around his waist  
>for his own dignity.<p>

Roy stood with his hand on the shower door as Johnny soaped up in a heavy lather and then rinsed off before soaping up again. Normally someone would be saying something about all the hot water he was using but not today.

As Roy watched to make sure John was alright he noticed the red coloring in the water that ran down the drain even the second time around.

While Roy watched the shower, Chet went through John's locker finding something for him to put on when he got out. In the bottom drawer was opened and half used packages of boxer shorts, t-shirts and socks, but the only other clothing found was uniforms, something they all agreed Johnny wasn't  
>ready for.<p>

While Chet was thinking of anything he might have in his locker, that Johnny might be able to wear, Mike came through the door carrying a steaming hot cup of coffee and Cap right behind him carrying a rolled up pair of surgical scrubs. With that Roy knew the squad was back and thought hard if he needed  
>anything out of it for Johnny. The only thing he could think about was the bio-phone and he decided he'd rather use the station phone instead.<p>

The water in the shower was turned off and Roy was quick to pull the door open and hand over a towel to his partner and then he took a solid hold on his upper arm to steady him, while John wrapped the towel around his waist and tucked it in. From there John was coaxed to sit down on the bench in  
>front of his locker before he worked with a second towel to get most of the water out of his hair.<p>

John looked up at his friends and shift mates standing around him. Noticing the steaming cup of coffee in Mike's hand Johnny could only shake his head, not only was he not sure his stomach was ready for anything to come into its vicinity, his hands were still shaking far too bad to hold it and the last thing he wanted right now was a coffee burn or worse to burn someone else.

Hank held the rolled up scrub suit in his direction noticing Roy was still keeping a hold on his upper arm. "There are a couple of police detectives in the office waiting for you as soon as you're ready to give them your statement."

What little color John had gained in the hot shower was lost instantly, in response to his captain's information. He wasn't sure he was ready to relive the long harrowing nightmare he had just been delivered from and it showed. 


	2. The Good Neighbor

**The good neighbor**

John's friends worked together to help him get dressed and Roy noticed John was needing about as much help getting dresses as his children getting into their pajamas when they'd fallen asleep in the car on the way home.

Once he was dressed in his own underwear and socks he pulled the top of the scrubs on himself and then pulled the bottoms up but just sat there with the waist band in his lap. John wasn't sure he was ready to stand.

Finally John kept a hold of the waist band with one hand and reached out with his other taking the offered hand of his Captain while Roy was still holding onto his upper arm and the three of them together managed to get John on his feet and steadied him while he pulled the bottoms the rest of the way over his hips and tied the drawstring around his waist.

Mike was still standing ready with the cup of coffee, which was now steaming a little less than when he had entered the room, as Roy started to pull Johnny back to the bench to sit down again.

Johnny resisted his partners efforts and pulled in a deep breath and slowly let it out before pulling himself to his tallest height, "Let's get on with this," Johnny declared and made his first, still somewhat shaky step toward the door.

Hank reached out and took a firm hold of John's other arm with one hand and then took the coffee from Mike's hand with his other and the three men, Hank and Roy with John in the middle, started heading for the office. Mike and Chet fell in behind him as they walked through the door. Johnny was walking on his own steam but neither Hank nor Roy was willing to let him go it totally alone just yet.

As they walked into the bay they noticed Marco helping to pull the hose from the back of the engine as he was being coached as to when to stop and start pulling. On top of the hose bed were four men from Law enforcement, two of them with camera's snapping pictures of whatever it was that they were seeing up there.

As Marco waited for his next instructions the five men gathered watched as he poked a finger through a hole in the hose. A quick look at the hose coiled on the floor behind him reveled at least two more such holes.

"All right pull the next layer of hose out," One of the men instructed and Marco slowly pulled hand over hand until he was told to stop.

"There it is." One of the men declared pointing to something in the hose bed, "that sucker went through five layers of hose before it stopped. "

"Now all we have to do is find the other one." A second man commented as he was seen holding up a pair of tweezers with something in the tip before dropping it into a small plastic bag and moving to write some important information on it.

"Can you tell which gun that one came from?" a plain clothed detective on the floor questioned.

"I think it's from one of the revolvers by I won't be sure till I get it back in the lab," The person holding the bag commented before handing his find down to the questioner.

"Kelly why don't you give Lopez a hand," Captain Stanley ordered as John made the next steps forward.

"John," Hank talked as he aided his paramedic forward, "The chief has asked me to sit in on your deposition. We both feel that it would be easier on you if we tried to minimize the number of times you have to tell your story. This way I can listen in and get the information I need to fill out the reports without making you tell the story again."

John looked at his captain and gave a nod of agreement but it looked as if he was reluctant to agree.

"You can have Roy with you too if you'd like."

"NO!" John spoke quickly and with surety, "He doesn't need to hear this stuff, It's bad enough I'm going to be having nightmares for the rest of my life he shouldn't have to have them too. No one should have to hear what happened. Cap, I wish there was no reason for you to be there."

The conversation was interrupted by yelling coming out of the office, "What are you doing taking my main witness away from the crime scene?"

"Look one of your men told me to take him someplace and get him cleaned up and put his clothes in some bag that I was handed. His apartment was full of cops so he couldn't go there and he had just approached me telling me he was going to be late for duty and asked if I'd notify the right people to let them know so he wouldn't get in trouble. How does living next door to a lady whose husband shoots up the place make him your main witness anyway? Just because he's one of the best paramedics in the county and jumped in to take care of your cops that got shot up doesn't make him a criminal." That voice was the voice of the battalion chief who had instructed Captain Tollins to bring John back to the station.

"He was one of three people in the apartment when SWAT stormed the place." The police detective yelled back.

"He was what?" the Chief responded in surprise, "I thought he was just in the next apartment taking care of all those who had been rescued from the other apartment." The Chief then looked up to see John still being held up by his Captain and partner, now standing in the doorway. "Why didn't you tell me you'd been in the gun fire? You should have been taken to the hospital."

"I'm fine," John responded to the statement that he should have been taken to the hospital. "I wasn't hurt. None of that blood that was all over me was mine it all belonged to someone else."

"No, you're not fine," Captain Stanley stepped in, "There's a reason Roy and I are holding you up right now. Maybe we should get you on over to the hospital and let a doctor check you out."

"NO please, please, I want to get this over with," John gestured toward the detective who had been yelling at the chief. After hearing his yell Hank was more determined to be there with his man, if for no other reason than to protect him if he needed it.

Everyone in the office exchanged glances with those standing in the door way in silent communications when the police detective let out a sigh, "Alright let's get on with it." As he gestured to a chair he pulled into the middle of the room.

Hank and Roy moved John over to the chair and Hank sat the coffee in his hand down on the desk while Roy sat his partner down in the chair, then Hank turned to his senior paramedic.

"Roy why don't you give Rampart a call and give them all the vitals and information you gathered on John. See if they want us to bring him by the hospital when he's done here."

Now that Roy was dismissed the door was being shut when the Detective dismissed the fire chief who had compromised his witness.

It was just then there was another person yelling in the bay, "I'm here because somebody's been shooting up one of my engines. These firemen are hard enough on those babies without you policemen adding your abuse."

Hank grimaced at the sound of the department's mechanic announcing his arrival and disproval and then Hank worried more when John didn't.

"I guess I better go see what I can do to calm Charlie down." The Chief let himself out pulling the door closed behind him.

Knowing he needed to get out of the way, Hank pulled another chair into the corner and sat down on it, he noticed another person in the opposite corner with a machine to record whatever was going to be said and then turned his attention back to the center of the room watching as the detective gave him a long menacing look before he turned to his witness.

"Is there a reason you left the crime scene?" The detective spoke with accusation but much more softly than when he was yelling at the Chief.

"I was late for work, the police officer who guided me outside told me to go someplace and get cleaned up and the Chief, well I needed to tell someone I was going to be late and the Chief told me to go to the station to get cleaned up and that he'd have you guys come talk to all of us here."

The Detective seemed to accept that explanation, "I guess you are a fire fighter not a cop, I can't fault you for following your chief's orders." The detective moved in front of John and sat down on the desk toying with a pen in his hand.

"Let's start at the very beginning. What is your relationship with Mrs. Danielson?"

"Uh, there's no relationship she just lives next door." John answered remembering how the women's husband had accused his wife of finding someone else.

"Tell me about when you first met the Danielson family."

John let out a slow breath, this line of questioning was much safer than what he knew was to come but it was also calming, his mind went back in time, to a safer time and he felt safer.

"It was about; oh I'd say six to eight weeks ago, it was just after I'd been released from the canyon fire, you can look the date up in the log book if you need to. I was dead on my feet after three days working that brush fire and really needed some serious sleep. I just pulled into the parking lot there at the apartments and was headed for my stall when I was blocked by a car hooked up to a trailer full of furniture, well it wasn't full exactly there was a sofa and some mattresses and a couple of dressers. There were two kids; I guessed they were around ten years old trying to pull the sofa out of the trailer.

"I didn't really want to, but I pulled into the first parking spot I could find and went to help them. When I walked up to the boys I scared them near to death."

"You startled them you mean," the detective tried to clarify.

"NO it was much more than startled, they were terrified of me, that's when I noticed that one of the boys had a black eye and both of them had clear hand mark bruising on their upper arms just below their shirt sleeves. I knew instantly that they were being abused."

"Just like that you knew they were abuse victims." The Detective questioned.

"I'm a trained paramedic, that's one of the things I'm trained to look for, yeah I knew, there was no question in my mind."

"Then what did you do?"

"That's when I heard a car door slam and looked up to see Ben Sutton walking toward his apartment. Ben was out of uniform but we're friends and I know he's a cop. I called to him to come help me. I knew the two of us could make short work of getting the few things that were left in the trailer into the apartment and that he'd be able to get a good look around, so he could do something. You know, official like. Those boys were just as terrified of him as they were of me, more so with the two of us but we just each took an end of the sofa and managed to get the kids to lead us to where it needed to go. That's when I realized that they were moving in next door to me.

"When we got to the door the mother opened it and I nearly dropped the sofa. The kids were bruised up some but she had really been beaten and I mean beaten. Her face was all black and blue, both eyes nearly swollen shut, she had a cut lip that had been stitched and both of her arms were in casts. One cast went above her elbow and was in a sling and the other only came below the elbow and she was trying to use it but it was clear she was in a lot of pain. She had the same hand mark bruising on her upper arms as the kids did and it was clear by the way that she moved she'd been hurt other places too."

"So what did you do then?"

"Well there wasn't a whole lot I could do, she'd clearly been to a doctor she didn't need a paramedic, I really didn't want to get involved, not to mention they were scared to death of me and Ben.

"She tried to stop us from helping, telling us that she didn't have any money to pay us and for a minute I was afraid that we might make things worse for her if her husband found out that we helped, but at the same time I knew those two boys couldn't move that sofa by themselves so we just picked it up and got it through the door and asked her where she wanted it. It only took three more trips to get all the mattresses and the dressers in; the kids had already gotten everything else. When we took the dresser into the bedroom that's when we saw the oldest daughter. She was trying to hang things in the closet, her face was almost as bad as her mother's and she had one arm in a sling with a brace that they use to treat broken collarbones."

"So you knew right away that they were being used and punching bags. What did you do next?"

"We didn't dare do much, we didn't know at that point that she'd left her husband or that he'd tracked her down at the last place they were living and beat the crap out of them. Ben offered to move her car and trailer for her, that's how he got the name and information he needed to check things out on his end. Then we both went back to our own apartments."

"Ben called me later that night and we went out to eat and that's when he told me that she had a protective order to keep her husband away and filled me in on what he could."

"How did you feel about that?"

"Well," John hedged, "I wasn't thrilled, I mean no one wants to live next door to that kind of thing but at the same time I admired her for getting out of the situation. I have an idea how hard that must have been. Ben made sure I knew what to watch for and gave me some phone numbers to keep on hand in case I needed them."

"That was it?"

"Well, he did tell me that there was other stuff that he couldn't tell me but other than that, yeah."

"So until everything came to a head last night how have they been for neighbors?"

"Quiet mostly, no real complaints. I heard the kids complaining of being hungry once so I got them a couple of bags of groceries and left them at the door. I don't think they knew it was me, I never intended for them to find out.

"I had to get after the boys once. They were jumping back and forth between the two balconies."

"They were what?"

"They were jumping across the space between the two balconies. They were just bored and wanted to play but I had to stop them they could have gotten hurt, I live on the third floor you know."

"Of course you had to stop them. What did their mother have to say about that?"

"She wasn't home at the time. The daughter told me she was at the doctors but that she'd keep the boys from bothering me. I told her about a park just a block away where they could burn off some of their energy and went back to bed."

"You went back to bed in the middle of the day?"

"I had a concussion at the time, I'd just gotten out of the hospital and they never let you sleep when you're in the hospital with a concussion."

"That's true," The Detective seemed to have some experience in that area, "So would you say you were a little cranky that day?"

"Probably," Johnny admitted, "I had to get them to stop what they were doing before they got hurt. I tried real hard to make them understand what would happen if they fell and I didn't make it sound pretty at the time."

"Yeah, I can understand that." The detective gave an understanding nod and facial expression, "What kind of interactions have you had with the family, do you see them daily?"

"No, not really, I'm not even home daily, I work 24 hour shifts sometimes 48's, I pull overtime from time to time. I mean, we run into each other coming and going a couple of times a week, but it wasn't until maybe the last couple of weeks that they even said hi to me. I did patch up the fourth child, um, let's see, it was four days ago, he's about four years old I think. I was just coming home from work and saw that he was running down the sidewalk ahead of his mother when he tripped over a crack in the side walk and fell face first into the curb. He bled all over but when we got the bleeding stopped we had a hard time finding where he had been bleeding from. It was just a little abrasion on his forehead just into the hair line." Johnny pointed to his own head to show the spot.

"As soon as I saw him fall I just jumped into paramedic mode and started checking him out, I told the mother that I was a fireman paramedic and that I knew what I was doing, then the kid started asking me all kinds of questions, like if I rode on the fire truck, did I blow the siren, did I have to plug my ears when I did, and if I knew how to hold a fire hose, stuff like that. He was a lot more talkative than the rest of the family. When he saw me the other day, When I got off last shift we were passing in the hall and he turned and asked if I ever brought the fire engine home from work." Johnny smiled at that memory then sobered up again real fast. "I told him it wouldn't fit in my parking stall. That's the only time any of them have ever really talked to me. I mean other than, than the time I scolded the boys for jumping across the balconies."


	3. the Reliving part 1

Author's notes: Wow! I think I know why so many people write Johnny owwie stories; they do get a lot of reviews. I don't think I've ever had one this acknowledged. I want to thank everyone for their review. In my mind there were no negative reviews on this first chapter, just one's that taught me a thing or two. I do have to agree with a lot of the reviews that not everything goes by the book especially when those around have never read the book. Ie, firemen read the fire manual, policemen read another manual and Detectives have a few more manuals that guide them, let's never forget the school of hard knocks where the curriculum is different for each student who attends. Getting the reviews allowed me to address some of the issues listed and helped me write the next few chapters. I intended to go farther into the story with this chapter but as often happens, it's getting a little longer than I like and I feel it better to break it up just a little. Keep reviewing you have no idea how much fuel it gives the writer.

Thanks

**The Reliving part 1**

Roy was on the phone in the kitchen talking to Dr. Early, he had just given him the four sets of Vitals he had taken on his partner and told him about the total chaos at the station. In response to a question asked Roy placed the phone against his chest and spoke with the last shifts engineer who was standing near him at the time.

"Dr. Early wants to know why Johnny was never taken to the hospital?"

"If you'd have been there you'd know that answer. I didn't see him until they were bringing him down in the snorkel carrying the last patient, He was just being Johnny, taking care of the patient and hurrying around, he helped load her in the ambulance and shut the doors then gave the slap to send them on their way and stood there with his hands on his hips watching them drive off. Then just like every other time I've ever worked with him he turned to see where else he was needed. He even started helping drain and roll up the hose that we'd used. I saw him talking to the chief and then heard the orders to get back to the station and bring him with us. When we first left he was talking about how mad Stanley was going to be at him for being late. We were half way to the station when he looked down at himself and went totally silent. I think that was the first time he realized he had all that blood all over him.

"He must have started to think about what had happened and what he'd done at that point, because the last few blocks to the station he just went downhill." The engineer gave Roy a picture of what had happened.

"Sure glad we didn't put him on the tail board. He'd of fallen off for sure."

Roy acknowledged what he had been told with a stunned nod of his head then relayed the information to Dr. Early. After answering a couple more questions Roy agreed to get a fresh set of vitals when the police were done with Johnny and then call him back.

-0-

Back in the office John had explained the happenings from the time his neighbors moved in, he had now come to the point where the memories were not so pleasant.

"John," The detective changed his position on the desk he was sitting on and the pen he had been toying with was now set down on the desk top as the detective sat up straighter. "Tell me about yesterday. Our records indicate that you made and received multiple phone calls to the police station starting early yesterday evening. Can you tell me why and what those phone calls were about."

John knew very well that those phone calls had been recorded and that there was a recorded copy of every word that had been said. Still he welcomed this question. It meant it would take that much longer before he had to relive the nightmare that he just knew was going to haunt him for the rest of his life.

"I was just coming home after running some errands."

"Which errands were those?"

John took in and let out a deep breath, "I went to the laundry mat up the street, the machines in the basement were all in use, then I took my uniforms to the dry cleaners and picked up the ones that were ready, I went to the grocery store and nothing looked good so I went to that diner on Bellmen street for dinner and then back to the grocery store to get milk, coffee, cereal and some eggs for breakfast."

"What happened when you got home?"

"I was just walking down the hall towards my apartment when I heard someone knocking on my door and when I came around the corner the landlady was standing there looking like she was waiting for me to open the door. I was kind of surprised, I don't remember her ever coming to my apartment before, if she ever wanted to talk to me she would usually catch me in the parking lot, she can see my parking spot from her apartment, or sometimes she'll catch me when I turn in my rent.

"I asked her what she wanted but she kept looking back at the door next to mine, then she nearly whispered and asked if we could talk in my apartment. I opened the door and let her in and she waited for me while I put the milk and eggs in the fridge.

"When I came out of the kitchen she was still standing in the living room and she looked really nervous."

"How did she look nervous?"

"She was standing and pacing back and forth in front of the sofa and wringing her hands."

"That sounds pretty nervous," the Detective acknowledged, "What was it she wanted to talk to you about?"

"She said that the woman next door to me had come to her apartment earlier to use her phone, she said that her phone had been disconnected and she needed to call the phone company to find out why. Anyway the landlady said that the mother said that the phone company claimed that someone called them and told them to disconnect the phone because they were moving."

"The Landlady told me that she didn't know what to believe, she asked me what kind of neighbors they were and told me that she was thinking of asking them to leave." John paused trying to decide how much to tell before he proceeded, "She told me then that the police had been called to escort her estranged husband from the premises while I was on my last shift and she worried what might happen now that he knew where she and the children were living.

"I tried to talk her into letting them stay, trying to convince her not to do anything that might force them back into the home and life where they were abused on a daily basis. I could tell she was still thinking about serving an eviction notice when she left and then just before she reached the door she turned back to me and said, "I sure hope it wasn't her husband that got her phone disconnected, because if it was I'm sure he did it so that she won't be able to call the police when he comes again."

"After she left I got to thinking about her last statement and decided that it might be a good idea to give Ben a call. He wasn't home so I called him at the police station and left a message for him to call me."

"What time was this," the detective asked for clarification of the time line.

Johnny took in and let out a breath while he thought, "It was about six in the evening, give or take a few minutes." That was the best John could do and he knew there was an official record somewhere that would place the time down to the second.

"What did you do then?"

"Well I set things out to be ready to come to work this morning and packed my duffel bag, then I sat down and watched TV for a while waiting for Ben to call me back. When he hadn't called me back after a while I called the police station again."

"And about what time was this?" the Detective questioned again.

"Let's see, Adam-12 had just gotten over so it must have been around eight o'clock." John responded thinking hard to come up with the details that were being asked of him.

"Then what?"

"Well the person at the police station told me that Ben wouldn't get his personal messages until he got off shift, so I explained that this was concerning a police matter and that I really needed to talk to him, He called me back about ten to fifteen minutes later."

"When he called what did you tell him?"

"I just told him everything the landlady told me and he said he'd look into it. Then he called me back about a half hour later and told me that they would have extra patrol cars in the area all night and told me to be on the lookout for an older dark green pick up with racks on the top. And to be sure to give the police a call the second I saw it."

"What did you do then?"

"I just puttered around the house then took a shower and got ready for bed, I had to report for duty the next morning and I wanted a good night's sleep."

"So were you able to go right to sleep?"

"Not hardly," Johnny answered and Hank could see the color start to fade from his face. "I felt better knowing the police were going to be watching the place but I still couldn't sleep. I had the windows open and the cool breeze felt good but I could also hear the children in the next apartment making noise, I think they were having a pillow fight or something like that. It was kind of nice to hear the kids laughing and I felt like everything was going to be alright so I did drift off to sleep."

"What woke you up?"

"It was what sounded like a traffic accident coming through the open window. I went through my living room and out the sliders to see if anyone was injured and needing help. I recognized old man Hardy getting out of his car, he had driven it into another car parked in the parking stalls, He a, has a history of driving under the influence, if you know what I mean.

"Well anyway I watched him get out of the car and stagger over to a truck and listened as he started to swear and cuss at the driver for driving him off the road. I was laughing and shaking my head when I suddenly realized that the other truck was dark green with racks on the top. I went right in and dialed the police."

"And what time was this?"

John blew out a long slow breath in thought before shaking his head, "I have no idea, I don't think I looked at a watch or clock once after that until the whole thing was over and I realized I was going to be late for work. Other than to use my watch to count a pulse that is, but not to check the time."

"Okay what happened next?"

"I was still on the phone with the police dispatcher when I heard him pounding on the neighbors door, they kept me on the line and had me telling them what I was hearing and even asked me to carefully open my door just enough to peek and tell them what I was seeing. That's when I saw the shot gun he was carrying and at least two hand guns tucked in his belt."

John's breathing was growing faster and his face was fully consumed with terror.

"What happened next?" the Detective pushed him onward.

"The police dispatcher kept me on the phone and before I closed my door I heard the police coming around the corner. They announced that, 'this is the police drop your guns and hold your hands in the air,' so I stepped back and shut the door. That's when I heard the shotgun blast and the other gun shots and I heard one of the policemen call to the other asking if he was alright, I heard him say that he'd been shot so I carefully opened my door just an inch and saw that he was leaning against it and bleeding pretty bad from his side. I just told him who I was and then his partner started shooting to keep the other guy down around the corner while I opened my door and pulled the Cop that had been shot inside so I could start to treat him."

"Tell me more about how you treated the police officer you pulled into your apartment?"

"Well I started by pulling his shirt and vest away so I could see what I was working with."

"Where in your apartment were you when you started this?"

"I a, I pulled him into the living room and lay him on the floor in front of the sofa, then while I was pulling my first aid kit out of the closet he sat up and leaned against the sofa and had his gun pointed at the door. I had just put some bandaging over the wound and was applying pressure when there were more shots in the hall and a knock on my door. The guy knocking identified himself as the police so I had the cop on my floor hold pressure on his own bandage and carefully opened the door and let two officers in before I went back to taking care of the other cop."

"Let me read part of the transcript of your phone conversation with the dispatcher:

"This is off duty Fireman Paramedic John Gage, shots have been fired and a police officer is down. I need a squad and ambulance better make that two of each and have them send the whole stations, we're going to need the man power to get everyone out of here. Better make sure there's a ladder truck, make that two ladder trucks, have one enter on the west side of the building and put a ladder up to the third floor balcony that has a red Indian blanket on the balcony railing. Send the paramedics up that way and sufficient manpower to get a patient in a stokes back down. Can you patch me in to Rampart Emergency?"

Dispatcher: "No we aren't equipped for that."

Gage: "Alright I guess we'll just have to wait and use the bio-phone when it gets here, I don't have anything here to start an IV with right now anyway."

"Why on earth did you call in the fire department to a police shootout?"

John looked at the police detective in total disbelief for his question.

"Well you guys have the guns and all but the Fire Department has the ladders. I knew with all the shooting out in the hall the safest way to get the cop out and everyone else in the building by the way was to take them out the windows. We were going to need ladders to be able to do that. "

The police detective who had been pacing around the office while he read the transcript and then leaned over to be face to face with John when he asked him why he called the fire department now sat down on the desk with the most dumfounded look on his face.

"Of course, leave it to a fireman to think about evacuating everyone through the windows."

"We do it all the time," Captain Stanley spoke up for the first time showing pride in his underling.

"Okay, okay, that all makes a lot more sense now that you've explained it to me, what happened next, did you leave to go put the blanket on the railing?"

"A, no, I sent one of the officers to do it."

"Do you remember which one?"

"Are you kidding, I had a guy bleeding all over my living room carpet, two other cops waving their guns, shots being fired outside my door, one of the cops was even squatting down behind my door and shooting through a cracked opening. When did I have time to be introduced to anybody?"

"I guess you've got a point there too. What happened when the fire department arrived?"

John let out another breath and Hank still noticed his lack of color, "Um, they must have came in non code R, because I didn't hear any sirens, the first I knew they were there was when I heard the ladder come to rest against the balcony railing and then two more cops with rifles came through the sliders followed by Dwyer and Billings carrying the supplies we needed and wearing bullet proof vests.

"I had just told them to stay away from the door when a bullet came through it and hit the officer there in the shoulder. So the new cops took his place and started shooting back while I pulled him over next to the other guy and started looking at him. That's when there was a loud blast in the hall way and one of the new cops told somebody over their hand held radio that the guy had made entrance into the apartment next door.

"I had to go get those kids out of there."


	4. The Reliving part 2

**The Reliving Part 2**

"We were just cutting the cop's shirt away from his shoulder when Gage jumps up saying something about getting some kids out, and runs out the sliders onto the balcony and turns left as a couple more cops come up the ladder.

"The cop's wound wasn't too bad, the bullet had gone right through and his bleeding was minor. I put a wad of gauze on the back of his shoulder and then leaned him up against the wall to put pressure on it then put another wad of gauze on the front and had him hold pressure himself then I went to see if there was something I could do to help Gage."

Roy and Mike were hanging near the phone listening in on all the stories that were being told to the police officers taking statements. The most fascinating one being told right now was Dwyer telling about what happened after he arrived in John's apartment.

Marco and Chet soon stepped through the door and up to their side. "All the hose is off the engine now," Marco reported, "they're going to take a few more pictures and then Charlie wants to look things over good before we load the clean hose."

Mike just gave a nod of his head to acknowledge what had been told and turned his attention back to Dwyer and what he was saying.

"He pulled three boys out the window to the next balcony over and turned them toward me, I was able to just take the first two boys hands and help them step across the two foot gap between the two balconies and then send them inside. The third little boy Gage just picked up and tossed to me and then he went back to the window and had to do some coaxing to get the next kid out. The next kid was bigger and older than the rest so Gage had to work harder to pull her through the window. He just about had her out when he suddenly hurried and pulled her the rest of the way out and then instead of handing her to me he held her tight up against him and flattened himself against the wall at the side of the window like he was trying to be invisible or something like that.

"I was trying to figure out what was going on when I heard four loud booms."

"Booms? Did you say four booms?" the officer taking Dwyer's statement questioned for clarity, "As in explosions or something like that?"

"I can't be sure but I think it was more like high powered shot gun blasts, there were two then a short pause and two more." Dwyer added some details. "One of the cops that had just come up the ladder must have thought so too because he pushed me back into the apartment before he jumped over the two railings and onto the other balcony and started shooting through the open window.

"As soon as the cop started shooting Gage turned and tossed the girl to one of the SWAT guys and put his foot on the rail to launch himself over when the cop that was doing the shooting got blasted in the neck."

"He got blasted in the neck?" the officer asked for more detail.

"Well I think the bulk of the blast hit his shoulder but it didn't penetrate his bullet proof vest, but part of the shot gun blast did a lot of damage to his neck, some of the pellets nicked his carotid artery. Gage was already covered in blood and this guy was spurting more all over him.

"There was some laundry hanging over the railing to dry, some t-shirts and a few pair of pants, I think they must have belonged to the littlest of the kids. Anyhow Gage grabbed a couple of the shirts and used then to hold pressure on the artery. He was just trying to pick the guy up and get him back over the railing when the gunman came out of the sliding glass doors on the other side and held a gun on him."

"Now was this a shotgun he was holding on Gage?"

"No it was a hand gun," Dwyer confirmed.

"Okay what happened next?"

"Well the SWAT guys handed the girl off to me and then trained their guns on the gunman, they should have been able to blow him away from that close if Gage hadn't been in the way."

"So your saying Gage got in the way of the police officers taking care of the gunman?"

"Well no, it was more like he was protecting the injured police officer from the gunman but it also kept the other cops for being able to shoot the gunman."

"What happened next?"

"Well I'd been pushed back into the apartment so I couldn't see anything, but after a few minutes the engine sent up a stream of water at the other sliding doors as a distraction and then the police were able to get the injured policeman and bring him into the apartment about the same time as four other paramedics came in through the front door, I guess they brought them in through another apartment on the other side of the building. We kind of all had our hands full in there for a while."

-0-

Back in the office Captain Stanley and one police Detective knew without a doubt that something big was about to be told. It was evident in the increased breathing rate, pale skin, sweaty palms and wide eyes of the paramedic sitting in the middle chair.

"I hopped over to the other balcony and started pulling the kids out through the window as fast as I could, and Dwyer helped them over to my place, but the girl wouldn't come to me. She was running around stuffing pillows, clothes and wadded up blankets under the covers of the beds making them look like they were still in them asleep. When she finally got the last bunk set up she came over to me and I lifted her through the window. I had her just past her waist when someone started kicking in the bedroom door. I just jerked her out and pulled her tight then tried to hide against the wall next to the window."

John turned terror filled eyes to his captain who leaned forward in preparation to go to his medic but he held back, Hank knew John needed to tell what happened for more than just the investigation.

"He, He, that bastard just stood in the door way and blasted the stuff that had been stuffed under the covers. He didn't hesitate, he didn't take a breath, just two quick shots and then he reloaded with the shells already in his hand and shot two more times."

"Two shots, reload, two shots," Johnny was now to his feet, rage showing in his eyes as he made the shooting and reloading actions with his hands.

"That bastard thought the mounds under those covers were his children, his own flesh and blood, innocent little children and he just blew them away like they were some clay pigeons!"

With that shout of outrage John dropped into his chair again and buried his face in his hands.

Hank watched as John was swallowing hard and knew he was fighting back bile and barely managing to keep his stomach contents in their place.

The police Detective gave John a moment then pushed him forward.

"What happened next?"

John didn't answer for a while so the detective repeated himself. "What happened next?"

John finally looked up but didn't look at anything in particular, Hank was sure he wasn't seeing anything that was in the office, his mind was viewing something far away.

"The next thing I knew there was a cop at my side, shooting his gun through the window. I used the distraction to hand the girl off to one of the other cops and was about to climb back over into my apartment when I felt something wet spray against the back of my shoulder. When I turned to see what it was the cop at my side was bleeding from his neck, a spurting bleeding that said there was an artery involved. I helped the guy down to the deck and started looking for something to use for a pressure bandage, and that's when the guy took another shot only this time the gun sort of blew up in his hands. So he dropped it and backed out of the bedroom. I just grabbed a couple of small t-shirts that were on the railing and used them for a make shift pressure bandage and was trying to hurry and get the guy out of there when the creep came out through the sliding glass doors waving a hand gun."

That was the point Hank saw trouble and launched himself to his feet before racing to John's side, kicking the waist paper basket next to him just in time as John retched and heaved his meager stomach contents. Hank placed one arm around John's shoulders and the other on his forehead and waited him out.

"We better get him some help. Just step through that door and call for DeSoto, tell him to bring the equipment. He'll know what he needs to do from there." Hank instructed as he held John securely.

-0-

In the kitchen the men of the A-shift were still standing around soaking in as much information as they could. The most interesting story now was being told by Captain Tollins.

"I watched the gunman wave John into the apartment with the injured cop left on the deck. When the other cops started to move for him only to have the gunman step back and point his gun, well, we tried to help by setting up a water stream aimed at the sliding glass doors. It kept the guy from being able to see where the cops were while they retrieved their fallen team member. Meanwhile I was informed through the radio that the victims inside the second apartment were being slipped across the hall and out through an apartment on the other side of the building. Everything was quiet where we were, except for all the shooting three stories up, so I sent most of my men to the other side of the building to help with the victims and the evacuation of the other tenants until the SWAT team asked if we could send up another stream to cover their guys while they slipped in through the window and set up on the deck in preparations of storming the apartment.

"We were worried about John and glad to be of help so of course we sent up another stream of water. Matheson has a point blank aim.

"We heard a few more shots and then all was quiet until we saw John climbing in the basket of the snorkel with a woman in his arms."

Charlie, the department mechanic, was walking toward the loitering firemen with his attention turned to the talking fire captain. "Sounds like they had their hands full," Charlie commented, "you know they'd never been able to do those things if my people didn't keep their engines in tip top shape. You can put the new hose on her now, she's in good shape."

Mike was just motioning for his three shift mates to join him when they heard the shout coming from the office.

"DeSoto! Bring the equipment," Roy didn't have to ask who his patient was he knew his partner had finally reached his full limit.

Chet, Marco, and Mike moved toward the squad compartments so Roy just made a B-line for the office. When he stepped through the door he found his partner bent over the garbage can and the smell was all he needed to know what was happening. Before John was feeling like he dared move from over the garbage can Roy had counted a pulse and respirations and was ready for the blood pressure cuff that Mike was handing to him. As a team Captain Stanley and Roy lifted John out of the chair and lay him flat on the floor.

An ambulance was called and Rampart was called before an IV was started and Roy talked as soothingly as possible to get his partner to relax as much as possible.

While they waited for the ambulance to arrive Johnny told the rest of his story.

"When I got inside the other apartment the mother was laying in a heap on the floor. It looked like she had been thrown there. I pushed my luck and went over to check her out and I found that she was pretty much alright just laying still trying to make him think she was hurt worse than she really was. She managed to mouth the word 'children' while I was shielding her from him and I managed to whisper 'their safe' back to her.

"I told him she was in a coma and there was nothing I could do for her and he made me sit in a corner. The phone rang a lot but he wouldn't answer it or let me. He kept saying that it was a good thing he needed me because he'd love to just blow me away for trying to steal his family away from him.

"There were three times that he shot holes in the wall next to me, he was deliberately missing me but he was getting closer each time. When he heard something in the bedroom he pulled me up and held me in front of him with his arm across my throat and his gun to my head. When the guy in the bedroom started talking to him he a, he started gesturing with the gun while he talked and then I felt a splash at the side of my face and felt his hold on me loosen as the hand with the gun dropped to his side and then the gun dropped to the floor and went off and the guy just started to slid down my body, when I looked at him to see what happened, he had a bullet hole between the eyes and I knew there was nothing left to save. The cops moved in to start gathering up the guns and I went to the woman, when the gun went off when it hit the floor she got shot in the leg. It wasn't bad but it was bleeding.

"I told the cops what I needed to take care of her and they went and got it for me, then when the cops gave me permission to move her I just scooped her up and carried her to the nearest evacuation point.

"I don't really remember anything after that, it's all kind of a blur. Just remember trying to help with clean up and not being able to get into my apartment to get ready for work. I knew there was no way I was going to make it to work on time, so I talked to the Chief on site and he told me to go to the station in the engine."

When the ambulance arrived four people worked together to lift John onto the gurney but before he was strapped down John reached across himself with an arm and pulled himself onto his side.

"You still sick to your stomach?" Roy asked. John just closed his eyes and nod his head.

Roy took hold of John's hand and held on and Chet and Marco squatted down at his side, one placing a hand on his shoulder the other his hip. Mike reached down and took a hold of his stocking covered foot, Hank managed to place his hand on John's head, "We're here to take care of you now John," Hank spoke as the men then moved John toward the waiting ambulance.


	5. Before You Can Regroup

**Before You Can Regroup**

The rolling gurney carrying John Gage was loaded into the back of the ambulance and Roy lifted the bio-phone and drug box in before climbing in beside his partner. John still had his eyes closed but Roy could tell he was making a concentrated effort to stay calm and fighting to try to relax.

They were just about to shut the doors to the ambulance when Roy placed his hand out to stop them. "Cap, John wants to talk to you."

Roy then stepped out of the back of the ambulance letting their captain climb in. Hank moved to the bench across from the gurney and placed a hand on the shoulder of the man he'd listen to tell a tale he wouldn't want to live through. "What is it John?"

Johnny opened his eyes and they looked at his captain with humiliation and self disappointment, "I, I a, guess, I guess it's going to take me a little longer to pull myself together than I thought. I'm afraid I might need some help, if you know what I mean."

Hank smiled a warm tender smile and moved his hand from John's shoulder to the side of his face, "Consider it already in the works, and John, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Everything I've heard you were nothing but amazing in the thick of things."

"But as soon as I started thinking about what happened I just started to come unglued, I always thought I had more guts than to just fall apart like this."

"None of us have that many guts John." Hank responded squeezing John's head slightly, "The rest of the guys are rattled too and they were on the out skirts working on what you sent them, not in the middle of things like you were. I'm sure they're all going to be required to see the department psychologist before their signed off to return to duty. I'm sure that goes for most of the police officers involved too.

"I repeat. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing, do I make myself clear?"

John closed his eyes tight but not tight enough to keep the tears from escaping as he started to sob. "I'm so sorry I had to tell you those things cap. I wish you hadn't of had to hear them."

A few sobs joined John's tears and Cap waved for Roy who was standing behind the ambulance holding the open hatch. Roy had been just far enough away that he wasn't able to hear everything that had been said in the soft spoken conversation but he did hear Cap telling Johnny that he had nothing to be ashamed of. Roy quickly climbed in at his captain's beckoning and started by checking a pulse.

"Alright John I'm going to let Roy take you on in to Rampart now and we'll check in with you later. Don't you worry about anything now you just take care of yourself. Do you hear me?" Cap spoke and since he was blocked from the back door, by Roy gathering a new set of vitals, Hank stepped out the side door and closed it behind him. Once he was sure the back doors were closed tight he waved to the driver to move out.

This was a non code R transport, so they drove slower than they might have otherwise and without sirens but they did have their lights silently flashing as they drove on down the street. Hank stood in the open bay and watched until the ambulance turned out of sight before turning to the Detective who now stood at his side.

"Is he going to be okay?"

"I'm sure he will eventually, it's just going to take a little time and he just might need to talk to someone." Hank responded hoping the detective he was talking to didn't think less of him for what was said.

"Can I ask you a few questions?" Hank dared to venture.

The detective looked him over then finally responded, "You can ask, but it depends on the questions as to whether or not I'll answer ya."

"Okay here goes. When John talked about the time he was in the apartment with the gunman he made is sound like it was only a few minutes but I was told earlier that he'd been in there for several hours. Which was it?"

The detective let out a deep breath and then looked through his little note book before turning back to his questioner. "According to those on scene at the time he was in there for a little over two and a half hours while we were trying to establish communications and forming an attack plan. And for the record there were more than three bullet holes in the wall near the corner where they believe he was being held. It looks like he was starting to check out before all the excitement was over. Not that a police officer in that situation would have done any differently."

"Maybe," Hank accepted that possibility. "Or he was trying to spare me the full details," Hank offered another possibility. "Just before he pulled out he apologized for saying what he said in my presence."

The detective wrote down a few notes.

"My next question, how long do you think it will be before John can go back to his apartment?"

Again the Detective thought, "There were a lot of shots fired and we need to do everything we can to account for everyone. Where his apartment was so closely connected to today's events it could easily take several days but I'd say no more than a week at the most."

"Would it be possible for someone to go in there and get some of his clothes and things?"

"I think I could have one of my men pack a bag of things for him," The detective offered. Unbeknownst to Hank that also gave them the right to search in places they might not otherwise do so, but even if he did know that Hank wouldn't have been concerned. "Is there anything special we should try and look for?"

Hank was at a loss and turned to the rest of his men with a look that clearly indicated that if they knew of anything they should speak up.

"A, there's a dream catcher," Marco spoke up, "It's a cultural thing and his is special to him because his mother made it. It's a custom of his people that it catches all the bad dreams before they get to you. It hangs over his bed, I'm sure it would mean a lot to him to have it for the next few days."

"Yeah, Yeah, I'm sure it would at that, I'll see to it that we get that for him. Anything else?"

The men looked back and forth at each other feeling that if they didn't say it now it might have to wait till the police were through. Still there was nothing more they could think of.

"What about his car?" Cap thought of one more thing. "I'm sure he won't be driving for a day or two but I have no idea if he'll need it before you're through with your investigation."

"At this point his car is not part of the crime scene; it's parked in his assigned stall. When he's ready for it I believe he has his keys, he can just go get it. Do you have any idea where he will be staying? Does he have family in the area?"

"Just his firefighting family. I don't know for sure where he'll be just yet but we'll see to it that he has a place to stay, where he'll be among friends, until he can go home." Hank responded as the rest of his men gave affirmative nods.

"About his apartment, from the sounds of things it must be quite a mess. Sounds like there's blood everywhere and holes in the wall. Who's going to be responsible for cleaning that up?"

"Once the investigation is complete we usually turn things over to the property owner and then they contact their insurance to direct them with needed repairs," the police detective responded.

"So, we should contact his landlady about when he'll be allowed back in?" Hank interpreted what he thought he'd just heard.

"That's what I'd recommend," the police detective agreed. "Is there anything else?"

"Are you done with John or will there be further questioning?"

"I'm not sure of that at this point." The Detective spoke honestly and then turned to the call of a fellow law enforcement officer.

Once the detective walked away Hank let out another deep breath before he looked up at all the people that were hovering around his station.

"Are they about done with the engine?" Hank directed his question to his second on command.

"Yeah Cap, we got the go ahead to put the change of hose on just when the call came in for help for Johnny." Mike responded.

"Well, we'd better get at it then."

-0-

In the back of the ambulance Roy was grateful for the absence of sirens. He could tell John was making progress in the area of calming down, at least he was as long as he was awake. Twice during the trip in John succumbed to the diazepam he'd been given combined with what had to be exhaustion from his ordeal. Each time within seconds of slipping into a sleepful state his eyes would fly open in panic and his breathing would increase while he struggled against the restraints and looked around.

"It's alright John, you're safe," Roy spoke quickly and calmly when ever John's eyes flew open. After the second time he tried to keep his partner engaged in light conversation for the duration of the ride.

"How you holding out there Junior? Your stomach settling down any? Roy asked.

"Some," John responded as he continued to force himself to relax and keep his breathing under control. "I'm real sorry about all this Roy?"

"There's nothing to be sorry for Johnny, from what I've heard you weren't responsible for what happened you just responded to the hand you were dealt, A far cry better than you do when you're playing poker I might say."

"What do you mean from what you've heard, what are they telling you?" John's anxiety levels turned up a notch.

"Whoa there, settle down." Roy held up a hand and then started to rub John's shoulder. "I just overheard them giving their testimonies about what happened to the cops. It sounds like there was quite a shoot out and you had your hands full keeping them from bleeding out before help arrived."

"Yeah, there was a shoot out alright. I can't get over the feeling that I should have been able to do something to prevent it." Johnny again started to fight the sedatives he'd been given.

"Easy Johnny we're almost there, how could you have possibly prevented anything that happened? You can't control the actions of others."

"I don't know, I don't know, but there had to be something. There must have been something I could have done differently." Johnny slurred still fighting to stay awake.

"Johnny you'll always be able to say you could have done something differently, in every situation you'll ever find yourself in, that doesn't mean what you did was wrong or that you could have prevented anything. You never had an ounce of control over the man with the gun; there was nothing you could have done to stop him from doing what he did. And from what I overheard you saved a lot of lives with what you did do last night."

"What did you hear?" Johnny again panicked, "Roy trust me you don't want to know what went on last night. You don't want the nightmares, don't let your mind go there, please Roy do it for me, do it for Jenny and Chris. Don't go there, just leave it alone." There was a moment of silence then Johnny closed his eyes but his breathing became rapid and in gasps almost instantly, Roy readied a paper bag for him to breath into before he hyperventilated too badly, then as he was about to place the bag over Johnny's mouth and nose Johnny mumbled as he was about to give in to the meds once again. "He wanted to kill them, he would have killed them"

John again woke himself up from a nightmare just as the ambulance backed up to the emergency room entrance. Both Dr. Early and Dr. Bracket were there waiting for him to be unloaded. Dr. Bracket was wearing a set of sweat soaked scrubs with a surgical mask dangling around his neck. On his face was a twitchy smile as he stepped up next to the gurney and looked down at the patient that was being rolled in.

"How's he doing?" Dr. Early asked as he grabbed a wrist to check a pulse.

"He can't seem to even as much as close his eyes without revisiting what he went through last night." Roy reported as he took a hold of Johnny's shin and gave a squeeze.

"Any more vomiting?" Dr Early questioned once he was done counting the pulse, Roy just shook his head negatively as a response, "Let's take him directly to an observation room." Dr. Early ordered and Nurse Betty, who had been prepared before John's arrival, led the way to a room that was already prepared.

Once there Johnny actually sat up and moved himself over to the other bed, accepting just enough help to protect his IV. He then allowed the nurse to pull the blanket and sheet over him and adjust his pillow as Dr. Early worked the controls to raise the head of the bed slightly.

"You're going to have to sedate me heavier than this," Johnny motioned to his IV as he tried to settle in, "If you want me to sleep."

"We can do that," Dr. Brackett leaned forward on the side of the bed, "I'm sure you realize that everything you've been through is going to be a lot easier to deal with when you're well rested."

"How can it be," Johnny responded closing his eyes to hold back tears then forcing them open again to stare at the ceiling.

"Right now I need you to trust me Johnny when I tell you that it will get better, Can you do that?" Dr. Bracket waited with a hand on John's shoulder for him to meet his gaze, "Can you put your trust in me that far for right now?"

John gave a nod of his head but his facial features didn't show the hope Kell Bracket had hoped for.

"I want you to know I did the surgery on the abdominal wound myself. He's in intensive care and looking at a rough couple of days, but I'm sure he's going to make it." Dr. Brackett talked in positives as Dr. Early quietly gave instructions to the nurse. "I've also checked on the neck wound and he's doing just fine thanks to you. The shoulder wound has already been treated and released, he's back at his precinct now filling out paperwork or at least having someone do it for him. The mother and her children have been reunited and there is an army of social workers seeing to their every need right now."

"I just came from them," Dixie entered the room and the conversation as she handed a loaded syringe to Dr. Early as she continued to talk, "They've all got exciting stories to tell, about a brave neighbor who helped them. The oldest daughter even thinks you're cute in addition to being brave and strong. The twin boys are saying you're not such a bad guy, even if you did yell at them for climbing on your stupid balcony and by the way, they claim it was a good thing that they did because that's how they knew to do it when they really needed to." Johnny managed a week smile and all those in the room could begin to see the hope that they'd been looking for as Dixie took hold of John's hand and continued. "Little Samuel is so excited that you brought your fire trucks home for him to climb on. He's hoping you do that again sometime when all the firemen aren't so busy using them so he can climb on it by himself."

With that statement Johnny's smile reached his eyes and began to leak out, "I'd really like that," he responded. Roy noticed the look on his partner's face and resolved within himself that moment to see to it that it happened.

While Dixie was talking Dr. Early slipped the syringe needle into the IV port. Dixie continued to hold his hand and with her other hand reached up and brushed some errant strands of hair away from his face as Dr. Early began to depress the plunger. Johnny's eyes closed and then reopened several times as Dixie told him to think about those children climbing all over the fire engine like it was a jungle gym and at last his eyes stayed closed and his features calmed as a hint of a smile shaped on his lips.

Roy, Dixie and the two doctors remained at the bedside, silently watching their friend as the sedatives took their full effect. When he was still and calm and that panicked jerking had completely stopped the four friends carefully and silently left the room and gathered in the hallway.

Standing in the hallway they all looked at each other and sighed.

"I have no idea what it must have been like for him but from what I've seen come in here and heard as they've talked about what happened, Johnny must have been in the middle of a real war zone."

"Trust me Doc it was."Dwyer responded as he stepped up to the group. "It had quieted down a lot by the time I got there but I saw the carnage that was left behind. Johnny was there all alone for heaven only knows how long trying to take care of the one cop before the other got shot." Dwyer stopped talking and shook his head.

"Is there something we can do for you?" Dr. Brackett inquired. He had already suggested that those involved be stood down until they could be cleared by himself and the department psychologist, his first thought was that Dwyer was here to fulfill that requirement.

"I'm here to pick up Roy." Dwyer responded. "They needed the guys to get the fresh hose loaded on the engine so they could go back in service. With nine of us paramedics on leave until we're declared fit for duty it's taking them a while to find a partner for you Roy. Anyway I volunteered to bring the squad over to pick you up and Captain Stanley advised we restock while we're here."

"Did I hear you right there were nine of you?" Dr. Brackett questioned, and Dwyer began to talk about the six that had made it up to the third floor and the other two worked to check over all the other's that were evacuated.

"And then there was Johnny. I didn't know till after it was all over but we were holed up in his apartment." Dwyer rambled a little and as he did the others listened. They listened so intently that they didn't notice the unfamiliar nurse sneak behind them and into Johnny's room.

"How are you holding up Dwyer?" Dr. Brackett started his assessment of the man.

"Better than I think I should be." Charlie Dwyer responded. "I don't know if it just hasn't hit yet or of I just missed the worst of it. Johnny really did have the first guy packaged and ready to go by the time we got there. Except for the IV's of course; I never really did feel like I was in the line of fire like Johnny did. I guess time will tell. Well Roy what do you say we get the squad restocked so I can go home."

Roy agreed and the group dispersed, Dr. Brackett and Dr. Early chose to take one more look at their sleeping patient before they moved on and together they stepped into the room.

"Mr. Gage," they saw a women dressed in nurses clothing shaking their sedated patient. "Is it true that you've known for weeks that those children were being abused and even treated some of their injuries but did nothing to get them out of that home? How do you feel now after all that's happened knowing you did nothing to prevent it?"

Dr. Brackett took a hold of the person by the shoulders and started to drag her toward the door and an anxious John Gage was much more awake than he should have been and struggling to make sense of what he was hearing. While Dr. Brackett wrestled with the women Dr. Early stepped in the hall and called for security who were quickly there to take the women off their hands. In the struggle a tape recorder and the woman's media credentials were dropped on the floor.

Once Security had control of the woman Kell Bracket hurried back to his patient to try and calm him down. He noticed a familiar smell and looked to the bedside table where he saw an ammonia ampoule broken open. That woman had used it to try and wake John up. Kell was also sure that her question had completely undone any progress they had made toward helping John come to grips with his trauma and that he was so sedated that they had no choice but to wait till he woke up to try and undo what was done.


	6. Peace Requires Quiet

**Peace Requires Quiet **

Roy and Dwyer were at the nurse's desk counting out supplies in the drug box and filling out requisition orders when two police officers came down the hall from the observation rooms struggling with a woman between them.

"It's called freedom of the press, I've got a witness statement that John Gage treated injuries on at least one of those children and did nothing to get them out of that dangerous home." The woman screamed as she struggled to break free from the police officers who had her bound and the handcuffs that restrained her hands. Roy felt she knew she didn't stand a chance to get free and was trying to broadcast her story to everyone who could hear her whether she was right or not. What she did succeed in doing was alerting Roy DeSoto that not all was right with his partner once again.

Roy left Dwyer to finish the work of restocking to go see what he could do for his partner but he was stopped at the door.

"Dr. Early has got him settled down again, you'll only make things worse if you go in there." The nurse outside the door explained.

Roy didn't like it but he stayed in the hallway and when Dr. Early stepped out of the room he did see that John was once again asleep but he didn't look as peaceful as he had done before.

"What," Roy started to ask but was stopped by Dr. Early and motioned to be quiet, "What happened?" Roy whispered instead.

"A reporter tried to get a statement from him but first she tried to wake him up using an ammonia ampoule." There was a distinct sense of anger in Dr. Early's voice. "She was asking how he was living with himself for not getting those children out of the home before this happened. Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't the mother have a protective order against the man that shot his way into her apartment?"

"That's kind of what I've been hearing Doc," Roy responded.

"That woman has no idea the damage she might have caused, and further more I don't think she cares. I've had the police press assault charges against her for using an ammonia ampoule to wake him up from his sedation. Vince Howard took the report he said he'd see to it that she was hit with everything he could throw at her."

-0-

With the squad fully stocked Roy returned to the station taking Dwyer back. "Sorry, I'm sure you were ready to go home long before now." Roy turned to Dwyer as he started to back into the bay.

Roy noticed that there were still a few extra people trying to get out of his way but not as many as there had been.

"Actually Roy," Dwyer finally spoke when the squad came to a stop and the engine turned off. "Right now I'm not sure I want to go home. The thought of being alone is a little unsettling right now."

Roy turned to his friend. His last statement had served as a reminder that he too had been involved in the incident that had his partner fit to be tied. "How are you holding up?"

"Me, I'm fine," Dwyer tried to end the conversation by quickly getting out of the squad's passenger door.

Roy managed to reach out and take a hold of his shoulder and just hold on. It would have been easy to pull away but Dwyer stopped, his feet on the running board his body turned away from Roy and facing out of the open door.

"I don't really know how I am, I still feel numb, more like I watched a movie than lived through something real," Dwyer started to talk. He had been encouraged to do so by several other people from his captain to the police officer who questioned him. "I'm just feeling a little apprehensive about going home alone right now." There was a pause and Dwyer leaned forward and rested his arms on his thighs. "Now who's acting like a baby?"

"Not you," Roy spoke, he had seen his partner fight sleep because of the real life horrors that still played behind his eyelids. "I really have no idea what things were like this morning but I can tell it wasn't your everyday run. If you want to talk I have two ears. I'm sure Captain Stanley wouldn't mind you hanging around for a while."

"If I do that there will a crisis councilor here making me talk and I'm not sure I'm ready for that either."

"Is there someplace you can go, family, a friend's house?" Roy suggested. "Maybe your partner feels the same way you do."

"Maybe, but he's a newlywed remember, he has a wife to go home to, I'm sure they have ways of helping him work through things that don't include a third party if you know what I mean. "Don't worry about it, I'm sure the departmental Shrink will set me straight. It was just a bad run after all, it's not my whole life just one day of it."

"If you need to talk," Roy offered again. That's when Cap stepped up to the driver's side door with a paramedic by the name of John Jacobs for Roy to meet so they could be put into service. The first call came in as Roy and JJ, as he would be called, were still shaking hands.

Two runs and an hour and a half later the temporary paramedic team were walking out of a treatment room at Rampart when Roy stopped to introduce JJ to Dixie who was chatting away with Dwyer. Charlie Dwyer was in street clothes and leaning against the counter chatting about nothing in particular while she worked over some charts.

JJ excused himself to the little boy's room and Roy joined Charlie and Dixie at the desk while he waited.

"You made it home yet?" Roy spoke to Dwyer.

"I a, I thought I'd try and get things out of the way with Dr. Brackett," Charlie answered.

"How did that go?" Roy questioned if Dr. Brackett would give him a release to return to work after the conversation they'd had back at the station but maybe he needed something else to get him by for a couple of days.

As the three of them talked Kell Brackett moved into the nurse's desk silently, he picked up a chart and looked over some lab results before turning and pulling a reference manual from the shelf behind him. He had just found the place he was looking for when a very frustrated Dr. Early walked up to him.

"Kell, we've got to do something else. He's panicked and hyperventilating and before the nurse can get him settled down again some sound from the hall, whether it be an overhead page or an orderly bumping into the wall sets him off again."

Kell Brackett turned his attention to Dr. Early and for the moment set his open book on the counter as he let out a deep breath. "We can't give him any more sedation, he's maxed out."

"Then we need to move him someplace where it's quieter."

"The only places we have for that that is ICU or a lock up on the psyche ward." Kell responded letting out another breath, "he's not a candidate for ICU and I'm afraid putting him on the psyche floor could do more harm than good in the long run."

"I'm off in a few hours what if I take him home with me?" Dixie stepped into the conversation. That's when Roy knew for sure who they were talking about.

"Are we talking about Johnny? Cause I'm sure JoAnne would come take him home to our place for a few days."

Kell Brackett and Dr. Early exchanged glances and thought for a moment. "That might not be a bad idea to get him out of the hospital, but he's gotten combative a few times and Dix I don't know if you could handle him on your own. The same goes for your wife Roy, not to mention from what I've seen when that daughter of yours is around him I have to question if she'd let him get the sleep he needs right now. Tomorrow or the next day I think it would be good for him to be around your family but right now he just needs peace and quiet."

"With an emphasis on the Quiet," Dr. Early added.

"What about my place," Charlie Dwyer spoke up "It's nice and quiet, I have an extra bedroom, no kids, it's only three blocks from the hospital if there are any problems and I can definitely hold Gage down long enough to reason with him if he gets combative." Charlie could see the consideration and also the hesitance for his idea so he continued. "If I do need more help, Lou, the great big orderly from Ortho and his roommate Hal, the ambulance technician, live just above me. I could set something up to where all I have to do is hit the ceiling with the broom handle if I need any help."

Kell and Joe continued to exchange glances, Dr. Early was rubbing the palm of one hand with the finger of another as he thought, and Kell Brackett's face was full of twitches. Both doctors let out a deep breath and finally Dr. Early broke the silence, "It's the best idea I've heard yet."

"Dwyer can certainly watch him for dehydration and even start another IV if he needs one." Brackett continued to consider.

"If he does get into trouble he's only three blocks away," Dr. Early added, "they can get him back here in no time."

Roy silently worried if Dwyer was up to taking care of his partner. He had sounded like he needed treatment himself after what happened. But he had been there with John in the thick of things perhaps Johnny would talk to him where he made it clear he didn't want Roy to know any details about what happened. This way Dwyer wouldn't be home alone either, maybe it was the best thing for both of them.

Kell Brackett looked at his watch and remained in deep thought, "I think we should wait until after he's slept off this dose of sedation, feed him lunch and make sure he can keep it down. Then if it's alright with him, this sounds like the best solution we have."

-0-

At 11:45 Dwyer was standing in front of John's observation room, he had gone home and quickly vacuumed and even dusted, changed the bedding in the guest room and talked with his upstairs neighbors. Not that he expected to need their help but if he did, all it would take was three quick hits on the ceiling with the mop handle. It was longer and made a louder thud than the broom handle.

Charlie then ran to the store to stock up on food he thought John would like and would be good on a questionable stomach then he took a quick shower and returned to collect his guest.

Carefully Charlie pushed the door open and watched John turn a startled and panicked look toward him. When he recognized a friendly face John started to calm down again but he was clearly still rattled.

His lunch tray was on the over the bed table next to him but hadn't been touched. Charlie was concerned by this and about to ask if John were still sick to his stomach when he noticed the tremble in his hands. Charlie lifted the cover to John's lunch to see soup and a roll, then with another glance at his friend's hands he knew he'd never be able to feed himself.

"What do ya say I help you eat this so you can get out of here?" Charlie offered the only incentive he thought John would need.

"Get out of here? And go where?" John asked, "I'm sure they're not done with my apartment yet."

"My place, just three blocks away and a whole lot quieter than it is here." Charlie hoped he wouldn't have to do any more persuading than to just offer because although a friend he really didn't know enough about Gage to be sure he was saying the right things.

When John didn't say anything for a minute Charlie just pulled the bed tray over his lap and began to spoon feed him his soup. John was slow to take the first bite but after that Charlie couldn't spoon it in fast enough. John was just about to take on the roll himself when he received another visitor.

Police officer Vince Howard entered the room burdened by a bulging suit case and an equally bulging duffel bag. John's eyes flew open wide and his face filled with panic when he saw in Vince's fingers the edge of a plastic bag with Evidence printed on it and in the bag was his prized dream catcher.

"Why do they need my dream catcher for evidence," Johnny asked quickly wanting to fly out of bed and grasp it from the officer's hands. "What's it evidence of, for what?"

"Shhh, calm down," Vince spoke softly as he set the bags on the floor but carried the packaged dream catcher over to the patient in the bed. "It's not being held as evidence, I took the opportunity to pack you some clothes to get you by until your apartment is cleared, your friends at the station thought you'd like to have this with you right now." Vince gestured with the dream catcher, "We knew it is special to you and wanted to make sure it was protected and an evidence bag was the only thing we had available to us to keep it covered during transport." Vince laid the bag on Johnny's lap and Johnny quickly picked it up and after a brief inspection held it close.

"Thank you Vince." Johnny rest back against his pillow and again forced himself to relax and slow his breathing. "What exactly did you pack?"

John looked over the bags on the floor, he was sure three cops must have had to sit on the suit case in order to get it closed and the zipper on the duffel bag was very stressed and not completely closed.

"Well, it could be a week, possibly more before you're allowed back in to your apartment so I um, Well, I left some heavy coats in your closet. I don't think you're going to be needing them anytime soon and there were several pair of Jeans that were, well air conditioned, so I left them but I think we pretty well managed to pack everything else."

"It looks like it." Johnny commented with a smirk. Then he stopped as if he realized he had actually almost laughed. He was both relieved and disturbed that he was able to do such a thing so soon after what happened.

"Do you know where you'll be staying for the next little while?" Vince asked pulling John back into the conversation but he didn't answer.

"He's going to stay at my place tonight," Dwyer made it a done deal, "Then Roy's going to pick him up when he gets off shift in the morning."

"Sound like you're taken care of," Vince talked for a moment and wrote down Charlie's address and then John was able to supply Roy's address and phone number.

When the conversation started to wane, Charlie excused himself to take John's bags to his car and as soon as he was out of the room Vince turned back to John.

"I've been asked to ask you a particular question about last night. Do you feel up to answering it?"

John looked at Vince, it was clear by the look in his eyes that he didn't want to answer any more questions, that he didn't want to do anything that would remind him of what happened or worse what almost happened. Still the brave firefighter in him gave the go ahead nod.

"One of the police officers guns is missing, we think the gunman got a hold of it while you were on the balcony, do you by any chance know anything about it?"

John looked blankly at Vince as his mind turned back in time. As he did so his breathing started to increase and he started to fidget in the bed. Vince felt for the man but there was a gun that needed to be accounted for and the consequences of not finding it before someone else did were dire. "It would have looked a lot different than the other hand guns he was using do you remember seeing it?"

Fighting for mental control Johnny locked eyes with Vince. "is it like yours?"

"Yes," Vince answered.

"Can I see it, yours I mean?" Johnny asked but his breathing was still far from being under control.

Vince thought for a minute then pulled his gun from his holster and after removing the ammunition clip held the gun out for Johnny to take.

Johnny made no move to touch the gun in Officer Howard's hands he just looked at it intently. "I think the gun he used to shoot through the water curtain the first time they sent one up was like that, I'm not totally sure though, I used that time to check the mother out. He didn't seem happy with it for some reason and I think he might have put it on one of the cupboards, one of the lower cupboards by the stove. Does that help?"

Vince reloaded and reholstered his weapon before looking back at Johnny. "It helps a lot, thank you, I know that wasn't easy for you to remember that right now but I'm sure I don't have to tell you what could happen if someone finds it before we do."

"No," Johnny trembled all over and shook his head for Vince.

That was when Dr. Early came in to see about discharging his patient and at his first glance he wasn't so sure it was the right thing to do. However he was also sure keeping him in the hospital wasn't the right thing for his immediate health.

A milder dose of sedation was injected into John's shoulder to help him calm down and then he was loaded into the wheelchair Charlie Dwyer brought back with him when he returned from his car.

Charlie was given the stronger sedation to give John once he arrived at his place plus a few extra doses to get him through the night. The plan was for Roy to bring him by in the morning on their way to his house and further sedatives would be determined then.


	7. Beginning to Talk

**Beginning to Talk**

Charlie helped John into his car and stood by making sure he was alert enough to fasten his seat belt without help. Once the seatbelt was fastened Charlie stepped back and allowed Dixie to move in and give John a hug and wish him a restful visit at Charlie's before he shut the car door and received one last set of instructions from Dr. Early before he climbed behind the wheel and drove off.

With only three blocks to go the trip was made quickly and silently, when Charlie pulled in to his covered parking stall and announced they were there John was slightly stunned. "I must be more out of it than I thought I was. I thought we just left Rampart."

"I only live three blocks from Rampart," Charlie responded with a smile, "Of course we just left Rampart."

John took a minute to look around him and Charlie just sat behind the wheel letting him get his bearings.

"You know Dwyer, this might not be such a good idea," John finally looked at his host, "I appreciate it and everything but I'm not sure I'm going to be the kind of company worth having around."

"Don't worry about it Gage," Charlie placed his hand on his guests shoulder, "I knew what I was getting into when I suggested you come to my place. I was there a good part of the night to remember." Charlie paused a second to choke back and emotion he didn't know he had, "Right now it feels good to have someone else around even if you are supposed to be sleeping most of the time."

With the reminder that Charlie had been in his apartment too John turned to his host and didn't miss the catch in his voice. For a moment John was afraid that he wouldn't be able to give Charlie what he needed but it felt good to be needed just the same.

Charlie finally got out of the car and walked around to open the passenger door for John. Slowly John found his feet and Charlie stayed real close but still let him choose his own speed and footing. Once John was in the apartment and seated on the sofa with a throw pillow in his lap, Charlie made him promise not to move from there while he went and hauled in his bags.

As soon as Charlie shut the door behind him the phone started to ring. John felt he should answer it but he was thrown back in time where there was a gun pointed at him. As much as John was sure it was all in his mind he could once again hear the four rapid fire gunshots, he could once more feel the air movement and the vibrations of the wall he was leaned against as the bullets hit just next to him to keep him in the place he was told to stay. There was a pause and then John flinched at the sound of one more gunshot as Charlie slammed the door before racing to pick up the phone before it stopped ringing.

"Oh hello sir." "No sir I was just coming in when I heard the phone ringing." "Yes sir, I'm fine sir." John listened to Charlie Dwyer's voice and began to return to the here and now, making the final steps to the present as Charlie took hold of his wrist to count a pulse. "Can you hold for just a second sir?"

Charlie pushed the phone into his stomach to mute it before placing his other hand on John's shoulder. "Are you alright there John?"

John took a quick and deep breath, he knew exactly what had happened but better yet he knew where he was right now and that he was safe. "Yeah, yeah, I'm okay now, just take care of your phone call."

"Okay, I'm back Cap, sorry about that I have John Gage here and I needed to check on him." Charlie went back to his phone call but his eyes were locked on John watching him as he leaned back into the sofa and once again forced himself to relax and calm down.

The phone call only lasted a couple of minutes and then Charlie was at John's side, "you alright there John?" he questioned as he checked a pulse again. "That's a lot slower than it was a few minutes ago. Can you tell me what upset you?"

John turned to Charlie and looked him in the eye not understanding how he could ask that question. Then he remembered that Charlie had been in the next apartment, or had he been evacuated by then John didn't know. But he was sure Dwyer had heard some of what had gone on even if he didn't know what he was hearing.

"The phone," John started to talk. "I knew it was all in my head but for a while it was like I was right back there, he wouldn't answer the phone and he wouldn't let me answer it either."

"That's all over now, you know that don't you? You're safe here." Charlie was starting to sound patronizing and John was both ashamed at having a flashback and humiliated that Charlie had seen him so weak and vulnerable.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, it just felt so real there for a minute." John shrugged and tried to turn invisible. "What was the phone call about, it sounded like you have to go somewhere?" John resorted to changing the subject.

"Yeah," Charlie more fully sat on the sofa next to a slightly drugged Johnny, "Everyone that worked at that shootout last night has to visit with the department Shrink before they can go back on duty. With nine of us being paramedics and paramedics already being short handed, they'd like me to go in tonight. I have an appointment at five."

"Well don't worry about me I'm sure I'll be alright." John dismissed his host from babysitting duty.

"I know you'll be alright but I was instructed by both Dr. Brackett and Dr. Early no to leave you alone. So you have a choice. I'm sure my friend Marlene from the other side of the building would come sit with you or I can ask Hal from the apartment upstairs."

"If those are my choices I'll take Marlene, but I'll be the one to pay the babysitter and I promise not to hit on your girlfriend," Johnny tried to smile at his host.

"Oh that's okay if you hit on her, we're not dating." Charlie nearly cringed at what he was saying.

"You're not," Johnny looked at him, "What's wrong with her?"

"Nothing's wrong with her really, she's just not my type."

"Just not your type? What is she a real sweet spirit in a body only her mother could love?"

"NO, no nothing like that, she just reminds me too much of Mary."

"OH," John responded then gave his slightly sedated mind a moment to make sense of the last statement before he asked, "Who is Mary?"

"She's my wife," Charlie answered somberly."

"Your wife! I didn't know you were married, you don't act like your married." Johnny knew he was easily confused right now but he didn't think he should be this confused. "When did you get married?"

The look on Johnny's face was comical enough to help Charlie explain, "I married Mary right after I graduated the fire academy. We'd been married just a little over six months and she was working in this little dinner on Fremont street to help pay off some bills and put a little money away so that she could stay home for a while when we had children. She was given such short lunch breaks that she had a bad habit of gulping her food down without chewing it properly. One day when she was alone in the break room she choked on her food and by the time they found her it was too late she was gone."

"Man, I never knew that. Wow man I'm sorry, that stinks," Johnny shared his sympathy.

"Yeah, I think about her every time we have a choking victim, and every time we save one I tell myself that I did it for her."

Finished with his story Charlie could see the droop in Johnny's eyes and knew he needed to get him back into bed or he'd have some explaining to do in the morning. "What do you say we go through your bags and find you something more comfortable to wear then get you into bed?"

John's suit case nearly exploded when the latch was released but they were able to find John's favorite sleeping attire. A t-shirt and a pair of jersey jogging shorts. Once he was dressed and slipped between the sheets of Dwyer's guest bed, Charlie brought him a large glass of milk and his pills.

Wanting to ensure good dreams for his friend Charlie made sure John was watching as he hung his dream catcher on a nail in the wall over the bed's headboard. He then sat on the side of his bed while the pills were taking effect and talked with John Gage. He was trying to keep it light and choose to ask first about any one he was dating, there was no one at the moment, at least no one he was willing to talk about with Charlie Dwyer. Charlie then asked about his favorite camping site, knowing like several people who knew John that he liked to camp a lot and would often go camping to unwind after recues had gone bad.

Johnny talked of two or three spots he liked and why then when it was clear that the sedatives were taking hold he asked a question. "Charlie, what happened on your end after we got the kids out?"

The question surprised Dwyer, and he wasn't sure he should answer it, he had been trying to get Johnny's mind as far away from the incident as he could before he fell asleep. But then he thought again, maybe Johnny needed to know what happened where he couldn't see to help him deal with what he had seen. Charlie decided to answer him.

"Well after you hugged the wall with the girl the cops pushed me deep into the apartment so that I couldn't see anything. Then they brought me the girl and that's about the time the other guys, Burton, Thompson, Brice and Bellingham came in through the front door to help out. They used a water spray to block the gunman's view so they could retrieve the other cop and from there it was a grab and go. The police had the hall barricaded with these bullet proof shields and they hurried us across the hall into another apartment and then we were all taken down in the snorkel. Brice and Bellingham both rode in with the abdominal gunshot, and I took the neck and shoulder patients with Burton along to help me get treat him on the go. Billings and Thompson both went in with the four kids. And then I think there were a couple of possible heart attacks from some of the other residents that had to be taken in." Then in an effort to get back to happy thoughts, "The youngest of the kids you pulled out," Charlie had been amused when John had asked what happened after we got the kids out, like he must have had a mouse in his pocket at the time. "Man, you should have heard him when he looked out that window and saw all the fire trucks. You'd have thought it was Christmas and he'd gotten everything on his wish list."

Just then Charlie was overwhelmed with emotions he wasn't prepared for and there was nothing in his power that could stop the tears that just burst forth from his eyes.

"Johnny I thought he'd killed ya in there, I heard all the shots and all I could do was leave with the other patients. I'm sorry man, I'm so sorry." Charlie could say no more and Johnny even as groggy as he was reached out and hooked his arm around Charlie's neck and pulled him close.

Now is was Charlie's turn to feel embarrassed, wasn't he supposed to be the one taking care of Gage not the other way around?

He tried to pull away and pull himself together at the same time but John Gage's hold was much stronger than his will to pull away and there was nothing he could do to keep his tears from flowing down into John's shoulder.

It took a while but only after Charlie willing let his feelings spill out was he able to find a measure of control. When he finally did he was relieved to find that Johnny had fallen asleep while he was holding him.

As he sobbed and brought his breathing under control Charlie carefully positioned the sleeping John Gage in the bed, making sure to place the pillows so that they didn't compromise his breathing and smooth the blankets around him.

"Those are some knock out pills the doc gave you John Gage; He must really want you to sleep tonight. And Johnny thanks for being here for me. I don't know what I'd have done if you hadn't of been."

-0-

"Mr. Gage, Mr. Gage, Oh Mr. Ga-age," the voice of the ill informed reporter echoed in John's head as he fought with all his might to pry his eyes open so he could see who was calling to him. "Is it true that you did nothing to get those children out of that home? How do you feel now after all that's happened knowing you did nothing to prevent it? How do you feel now? You did nothing to prevent it!"

Was it true? Did he really do nothing to get those children out, were they really dead now? They were dead, killed in their own beds, he had failed to save their lives.

"no, No!" he did get them out, they were still alive, he was going to show the little one the fire engine and let him climb all over it. "No!"

"Shhh, everything's okay, it's just a bad dream," John was aware of a tender famine voice that he didn't recognize. "Everything is going to be all right, it's just a bad dream. You're safe now."

Johnny felt something cool and moist being rubbed across his neck and the sides of his face as he fought to work his eyes open.

"Easy there, it's just a dream. You're safe," the woman continued to coo as Johnny managed to open his eyes and look at a very beautiful woman with silky brown hair hanging down around her shoulders. She wasn't wearing a nurse's uniform and the bed he was in wasn't a hospital bed, and now that he was looking around he was sure he wasn't at Rampart.

"I know you don't know who I am, you were asleep when I got here, but I'm a friend of Charlie's." the woman spoke soothingly as she continued to wipe the sweat from his face and neck. "My name is Marlene, Marlene Johnson; I live just on the other side of the apartment building here."

"Charlie? Charlie Dwyer, that's right I came home with Dwyer for the night," John began to wake up a little more and he remembered. "You're here to babysit me."

"Well I wouldn't call it babysitting exactly, I mean you're far from being a baby and I don't see any diapers or baby bottles around." She smiled and John was actually happy to remember that she wasn't Dwyer's girl friend, but speaking of diapers.

"I a, Um, I need to make a little trip," Johnny excused himself or at least tried to and then started looking around trying to decide which way the little room he needed was located.

"Just out the door and to your right," Marlene understood what she was seeing, "Do you need any help?"

Johnny managed to get to his feet but he did so a little too fast and the room started to spin, quickly he felt the soft gentle arms wrap around his chest to steady him. When his vision cleared again she walked with Johnny as far as the bathroom door and then waited for Johnny on the outside.

Once he washed up Johnny noticed another feeling he didn't remember having for a while, He was hungry. Opening the bathroom door he found Marlene was there waiting for him and she quickly and without preamble slipped her arms back around his chest and started guiding him toward the kitchen.

"Charlie said you like clam chowder so I made up a batch, I hope you're hungry," she talked as they walked.

"Yes, ma'am," Johnny answered as he slipped onto the stool that was up against the breakfast bar.

"The name is Marlene or you can call me Marley, I'm not a ma'am." She said with a smile and she pulled a bowl out of the cupboard and ladled a helping of chowder into it before placing it in front of John before retrieving a spoon from the drawer. As she was pulling the drawers open trying to find where Charlie kept his silverware John remembered telling Vince where he thought the missing gun might be found and wondered if they'd found it yet.

The chowder was even better than Captain Stanley's and John managed to eat three bowls before he was successful at saying no more. The beautiful person catering to him then led him to the living room sofa and sat next to him. She revealed that she was aware of what had happened by watching the news shown off and on all day.

"I hope I'm not upsetting you with all this talk," Marley questioned when she noticed him tensing up again.

"I'm sorry I guess I'm just not ready to talk about what happened yet." John so hoped he wasn't offending her and that she'd let it drop.

Unbeknownst to both John and Charlie, Marlene understood better than she was expected to. Three years ago Marlene was a bank teller in a bank that was held up by an armed robber and she was the one he used as a human shield as he backed out of the bank. She was pushed to the ground as he climbed into the getaway car and it sped off. It took the police three months to find and arrest the bank robbers and Marlene had been afraid of them coming back until they were captured.

Marlene followed the instructions Charlie left her with and coaxed John to take his pills with a tall glass of cold milk. Except she made one small substitution.

Marlene didn't understand that the prescription given to her was for her alone. She didn't understand that medication for someone of her size was not strong enough for some one of John's size and metabolism. She also didn't realize that three years after the fact her needs for sedation strength were much less than John's were at the moment. She also had no idea that the medication she was taking successfully, only on rare occasions when she needed it, had a high rate of sleepwalking among the people taking it.

What Marlene honestly believed was that contained in her sedatives was a magical ingredient that somehow turned off all bad memories and would allow John to sleep more peacefully than she had seen him do while under her care.

John had no hint of the substitution, he was feeling sleepy and he wanted the increased peace and control the doctors had been promising him if he slept well until Roy came by to retrieve him in the morning.


	8. Troubles

**Troubles **

At headquarters Charlie was met with delay after delay followed by a lot of waiting, the decision had been made to remove all of the men who had responded to the call at Johnny's apartment from duty until cleared by the department psychologist the nine paramedics would also need a release from Dr. Brackett.

Other fire officials felt that was all a bunch of nonsense but whether it was or whether it wasn't there were far too many firemen involved to let it run through normal courses. All of the department psychologists were called in for a special crisis session, even those who only worked on an on call basis and rooms were found for them. Several of the deputy Chief's offices were commandeered for the night; one councilor was even set up in a supply closet.

All of the battalion Chief's and Captains had been called in earlier in the afternoon and because all of the captains not only talked about themselves and their feelings over the rescue but also each of their men, not to mention bringing up other issues involving their men they wanted help with. Their sessions went longer than the time allotted.

The firemen from the trucks were called in next, it had been believed, by someone, that since they had never entered the building, there would be no problems with them. However leadership never took into consideration, at least not the people in charge of setting up the appointments, that a large number of those firemen knew it was one of their own who had called them out and one of their own they saw being forced into a third floor apartment at gun point and then heard multiple gunshots leaving them to wonder for several hours if he were dead or alive.

Others were traumatized by shots coming in their directions even if they never came close, and yet others had been watching the news and needed time to sort out the question of what they would do in the same situation.

Five firemen used the time to start investigations into possible child abuse for someone in their neighborhoods. Four firemen were seriously considering leaving the fire department, a decision that requires a lot of thought and talking about the why and options available. At the end of their sessions, three men were placed on desk duty while ten more would require a second visit with the psychologists before they would be allowed to return to work. Others were just not ready to talk about their feelings so other appointments had to be arranged.

Before they got to the paramedics, that they feared would be most likely to have problems to discuss, the consensus among the psychologists was that things had been done too soon after the event. But still when they had finished talking to the firemen who had stayed to fulfill their requirement so they could go back to work, some of them the next day, there had been eight firemen paramedics sitting in the lobby for nearly two hours.

Charlie had been looking at the phone on the wall for most of those two hours and wondering how his guest was doing, He knew by looking at his watch that John's sedatives would have worn off and suspected he would be awaken by a nightmare about his part the night before. From working with John a few times Charlie also knew he would be starved, at least he was hoping he would. He had left instructions with Marlene, told her three times about his meds and that he needed them so not to let him talk her out of them.

When four of his fellow paramedics were called into an office, Charlie moved for the phone and dropped a dime. He had worried that the phone ringing might send John into another flashback but he still had to check on him. To his pleasure Marlene answered the phone in the middle of the first ring. When she reported that John had eaten three bowls of chowder and two glasses of milk and was sleeping soundly Charlie let out a sigh of relief. He relaxed even more when Marlene said she didn't mind staying as long as she was needed, his television got a better reception than hers and she wanted to watch a movie that was on tonight.

As soon as Charlie was finished on the phone a room opened up and he was guided into it.

"Okay Mr. Dwyer, thank you for being so patient with us tonight. What do you say we start with you telling me what your part was in the incident that has brought so many of you here tonight?"

Charlie had dreaded this appointment from the moment he was told it would be needed but after his emotional dam burst and flooded all over John's shoulder he was ready to talk. At the beginning of this meeting he was sure he'd need several more but while he was there he was also planning to ask how he could help the friend who was sleeping in his apartment.

"Well the call came in as an assist police call so we rolled the last few blocks non code R so that our sirens wouldn't aggravate whoever it was the police were dealing with. 51's was first in and we were all surprised that there wasn't a police sergeant parked at the entrance to the apartment building's parking lot to tell us where to go and what they needed us to do. We did notice half a dozen or so police cars but we didn't see anyone in them, we heard a few shots and ducked behind the engine but we really couldn't tell where they were coming from. The shots sort of sounded far away like they were on the other side of the building. That's about the time we saw a bus pull up to the curb and several police officers hurrying people onto the buss. Captain Tollins ran over to the closest police officer and he came back with the Cap about the same time the first ladder truck came in. We were told that there was a gunman pinned down in the hallway between two third floor apartments and that inside the apartment marked with a red blanket was an injured cop that was in real bad shape and needed help fast.

"The ladder on the ladder truck was raised into position and my partner and I were just climbing on the truck when more police cars pulled up, one of them being the police sergeant who was sent out to take charge of everything. He told us to get down off the truck and take cover while he was filled in by one of the other officers on site. Everyone seemed stymied that we were there and in position before the police were set up. It didn't take long and we were given some bullet proof vests and sent on up the ladder with two armed police officers ahead of us to make sure everything was clear, or at least as clear as it could be.

"I was carrying the drug box and the bio-phone and my partner had the oxygen so we were a little slower than the cops getting to the top but as soon as I climbed over the rail I saw John Gage on his knees working on the cop. John was covered with blood by then and he just threw me a small notebook with the cop's vitals written in it and told me we needed a couple of IV's fast and to get the orders for 'em. I had just gotten Rampart on the line and was waiting for a doctor when the cop at the door got shot and John rushed to pull him across the room to where we were while another cop took his place.

"That's when we heard a really loud shot, it sounded like a big boom compared with the other shots, and then someone said something about the gunman getting into the apartment next door.

"That's when Gage said something about getting some kids and ran out on the balcony and jumped over the railings to the next one."

It took Charlie over twenty minutes to tell his side of the story and when he was done his face was wet and his hands were trembling, He told the councilor how he had been tempted to disobey evacuation orders and stay to try and help his friend, how hard it was not knowing if his friend was still alive or how badly he might be hurt.

Charlie wasn't the least bit surprised when he was told he'd need another visit before returning to work nor was he in disagreement with the call. He did however turn down the offer of a sedative to help him sleep, sighting his responsibility for the very John Gage he had talked about non-stop for almost a full hour.

When he left the office he found the lobby empty except for Brice and the councilor who'd been lucky enough to get him. Brice was arguing that there was nothing wrong with him and the councilor was declaring without wavering that he would still need another visit before he would be cleared for duty.

Dwyer didn't question that Brice was fine, at least as fine and he ever was, he smirked at the mere thought that there was nothing wrong with the most annoying paramedic in the department and wasn't the least surprised, given the way the man emotionally distanced himself from his patients and the work that he did that Brice was being told he'd need another visit. He probably needed regular sessions for a few years to get him ironed out. All in all there was some comfort knowing that the great almighty Brice was being held out of action along with himself.

-0-

Meanwhile back at Charlie's apartment; John had managed to sleep through the phone call, thanks to Marley grabbing it as quickly as she could but her movie was just loud enough to seep into John's dreams.

It was a happy romantic movie that Marley was watching, in the movie an ambulance raced the beloved sweetheart to the hospital to deliver her baby but the sirens John took to his dreams belonged to the police officers who were racing to his location with loaded guns.

At the point of the movie where the happy couple were at the carnival and the new father was trying to win a huge stuffed bear for his infant daughter at the shooting gallery, John Gage was back in the corner feeling the jolt of the wall next to him as the bullets ment to keep him in place made contact with the wall behind him. Even in sleep he was holding his breath wondering, when not if, one was going to strike him and if it would be between the eyes or straight to the heart or would he blow out his knee caps and then shoot the most painful parts of his anatomy and let him die slowly. Johnny didn't know but he was sure he was a dead man; it was only a matter of when.

Then John was pulled from being face to face with death, rescued in a way, by the cry of a child. In his sleep Johnny tossed his head from side to side fighting to catch his breath after holding it so long and then he was gasping in panic once again.

"Mommy, hurts," a small voice cried through the wall beyond his head, and there was yet another cry, clearly two children were crying.

"WILL YOU KIDS SHUT UP THAT INSESINT WAILING!" the voice of a man struck terror into Johnny's heart, in his dream he listened and the crying continued. Then "JOAN, WILL YOU SHUT THOSE KIDS UP. THEY'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!" this time the man screamed louder and a little voice cried more of hurt and pain.

Unable to wake up Johnny just got out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans that had been draped on a chair and stepped into a pair of slippers. With eyes glazed and unknowing John walked through the living room and out the front door and from there over to the neighbor's door. In his sleep controlled and drugged mind John once again heard the reporter's voice echo in his head, "You did nothing to get those children out of there. You did nothing, you did nothing."

Marley had just stepped out of Charlie's apartment to follow him when Johnny reached up and pounded on the door with a doubled up fist.

"See that the kids are disturbing the neighbors." The man yelled over his shoulder as he opened the door and stood face to face with Johnny.

As the door opened John got a full view through his glazed eyes at two small children one about three year's old sitting on the sofa with a bandage on her arm and a large bruise on the side of her face. An infant of less than a year of age lying on the couch next to her prevented from rolling off by pillows placed at her side. Again Johnny's mind echoed with the accusations that he had done nothing. Well that was about to change.

With the strength of a fireman, Johnny shoved the half open door into the man holding it and sent him flying over the back of a chair placed near the door, then without even a hint of hesitation he flew in, scooped up the little girl in one arm and the infant in the other and as the mother ran from the kitchen with a bottle screamed at him he ran. Johnny ran as if his life and the lives of the children in his arm depended on him. Johnny ran as if the building was on fire and he knew that it was about to explode. Leaving his slippers in his wake and going barefoot Johnny ran out of the apartment and into the street.

Both Marley and the mother followed after him but were unable to keep up. Soon the father was over taking them as he ran but Johnny was now out of sight and so were their children.


	9. The Search Posse

**The Search Posse **

Charlie's mind was in a fog most of the way home, when he turned onto his street he realized that he really hadn't been paying much attention to the traffic around him. Feeling as if he shouldn't have been allowed to drive home after his emotional session, Charlie did feel as if he were coming to grips with his ordeal and maybe a little better capable to help John get through the night.

As he approached his apartment building there was no way he could miss the large collection of flashing lights and he snapped to attention enough to see that they were all police cars, no fire department vehicles on site. "I wonder what kind of trouble who's in now?" Charlie said to himself as he parked on the street, the entrance to the parking structure was blocked by police cars, he then got out of his car and started walking to his apartment to check on his guest and release his friend to go home.

Charlie was walking toward his apartment when one of the officers spoke up. "Excuse me sir."

"That's alright, I live here," Charlie excused himself and continued walking toward his apartment, "I have a friend staying with me that's not feeling well and I need to get in and check on him."

"Dwyer, is that you?" Charlie Dwyer stopped and looked up to see Officer HT Charles, a friend to all firemen especially paramedics, who always answered to Charlie.

"Yeah, what's going on here by the way?"

"You better come with me," Officer Charles responded and took a firm hold on Dwyer's upper arm as he pulled him toward his Sergeant who was communicating over the radios with other officers and assigning them places to search. Search for what Charlie had no idea at that point. That's when he noticed Marlene talking with a couple of officers along with his two neighbors, Doug and Joan Kingston.

"What's going on here? Who's watching over Johnny?" Dwyer questioned growing very nervous and feeling more and more with each second that something had happened to John Gage.

"You're house guest kidnapped my children," Doug Kingston, accused as two police officers stepped forward and managed to keep him from attacking.

"What? Johnny did what?" Charlie couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"The way you were yelling at them when he grabbed the kids and ran I'd think you'd be clad they were gone," Marlene snapped. Listening Charlie began to put some things together.

"You mean he heard him yelling at his kids to shut up and the top of his lungs like he always does?" Charlie pointed to Doug as he talked to Marlene.

"Yeah, he was so loud he woke John up and then when this guy opened the door you could see that the little girl had been beaten, the side of her face was black and blue and her arm was bandaged, Johnny just picked up the kids and started running." Marlene gave a brief narrative to what had happened. "No one could keep up with him."

"You don't know what you're talking about lady," Doug yell just as threateningly as he'd yelled at his children, "so I just suggest you mind your own business. If you know what's good for ya."

The police Sergeant was taking notice of the man's behavior and his wife's cowering and holding her head.

"Dwyer," Charlie continued to talk as he motioned with his hand for his sergeant to join in on the conversation. "Do you have any idea where your friend might have taken the little girls?"

Charlie Dwyer thought hard in his own state of shock then shook his head negatively, "I better go call Roy, if anyone knows where Johnny would have gone Roy DeSoto will."

"Roy DeSoto! Are we talking about John Gage, Fireman Paramedic John Gage?" Officer Charles exclaimed in his own state of shock.

"Yeah, but he's not in his right mind, He's drugged out of his gourd," Charlie was talking fast and still trying to think as he began to move toward his apartment and the phone to Call the fire station and bring Roy into the situation.

"You let a drug addict stay in your apartment, did you even consider the risk you were putting everyone around here in by doing that!" Doug screamed again.

Dwyer ignored the man something that he was very practiced at, and continued to talk with the police officers as he moved toward his apartment and Phone. "Johnny was right in the middle of the domestic violence case this morning where three cops got shot before Johnny was taken hostage and then the police shot and killed the gunman right in front of Johnny." Dwyer continued to move as he talked, "He was completely covered in blood but I'm sure you have more information available to you than I can tell, but anyway John was really traumatized by what he saw and did and needed to be sedated for a while but he couldn't rest well at the hospital so the Doctors let him come here until Roy could pick him up tomorrow."

As Dwyer paused in his talking but not his walking and started to think about what he was being told. "I can't understand how he could have done what you said he did. He should have enough drugs in him to be in a coma right now." Dwyer was now inside his apartment he held the door open for the first police officer to follow him but then continued to walk toward the kitchen counter where he'd left the envelope that had contained the meds Dr. Early handed him for John.

"Did you give him one or two pills Marlene?" Dwyer asked but he didn't wait for the answer he grabbed the envelope and dumped the contents out in his hand.

"I gave him two pills," Marlene stated, trembling slightly beginning to wonder if her substitution was the right thing to do.

"Are you sure he swallowed them," the police sergeant asked a rather obvious question at least to him.

"Yeah, he was getting shaky, I made the mistake of asking him about what happened to him this morning and he wanted to close it all out of his mind, he went right to sleep and had been sleeping for a good two hours before that man woke him up with his yelling.

"Marlene!" Dwyer called out having just counted all the pills left in the envelope. "How many pills did you say you gave him?"

"Two," Marlene answered, her voice now trembling as much as her hands.

"There are too many pills here for you to have given him two." Charlie Dwyer challenged the women he'd asked to watch his friend. "All of the pills I left you are still here. How could you have given him two?"

"I gave him two of mine," Marlene, "My Doctor told me they'd turn off the bad memories and stop the nightmares. He was tossing and jerking his head for over an hour before he woke up. I thought he needed something to turn his dreams off."

Charlie Dwyer understood all too well now what had happened. "Quick give me the bottle," He held out one hand toward the friend he had trusted with a friend. With his other hand he picked up the phone handset and then with an outstretched finger he started dialing the well remembered phone number for Rampart Emergency.

-0-

At the nurse's desk at Rampart a pretty little nurse named Mary, picked up the phone in the booth. The response to her identifying 'Rampart Emergency was immediate, "Mary, this is fireman paramedic Charles Dwyer I need to talk to a doctor fast."

Dr. Morton had just turned a few charts in at the desk and moved quickly to respond to the flashing light in the control booth.

The nurse handed him the phone when he walked in, "This is Dr. Morton what's the nature of the emergency?" "What! Say that again." Okay, Okay, what's the name of the drug he was given? Nurse get me John Gage's chart, STAT" He then pulled the book from the shelf that detailed all the information about all the drugs made and plopped it open on the desk before thumbing through pages as he asked Dwyer the details written on the bottle as well as exactly when the drugs were given. After reading for a while he pulled his watch into view and thought.

"Okay, this drug is not as strong as the one that was prescribed for him. But it's certainly strong enough to severely affect his judgment; it is a timed release pill so that means he's going to be getting another jolt of the medication into his system in between fifteen and thirty minutes from now. This drug has a high rate of side effects that include sleepwalking and aggressive behavior so watch out. The only good news here is that it has been long enough since his last dose of what Dr. Early prescribed that we're not likely dealing with a drug interaction, but no doctor in his right mind would prescribe that medication for any one with Gage's metabolism or under his set of circumstances for just this kind of reason. I'm sure he was sleepwalking at the time he took those children but that carries with it a whole other set of hazards. There is no way of knowing what's going through that thick head of his right now or what he might do. Does anyone have any idea where he might have gone?"

"If and when you find him be careful and you better get him in here as soon as you can. Keep us informed." Were Dr. Morton's instructions before he hung up and let them get to their job.

-0-

"Los Angeles county fire station 51, captain Stanley speaking." Hank responded to the phone in a professional tone that hid his annoyance to having just been woken up after just getting to sleep. He and his men had only been in bed for about 20 minutes but they had been exhausted and everyone had fallen to sleep quickly. "Just a minute. DeSoto, it's Dwyer he says he needs to talk to you."

Hank didn't have to stand there holding the phone he could have set it down and gone back to bed but in the few seconds that it took him to think of his options he also remembered that Charlie Dwyer was taking care of John and without being told so he was sure this phone call was to tell Roy of some complication or other that his youngest team member was experiencing. For that reason he remained standing in his boxers with the phone hand set in his hand waiting and watching as Roy staggered around the brick partition rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he made his way to the phone.

"DeSoto here," Roy mumbled into the phone. Hank watched as his senior paramedic's eye opened wide and suddenly awake. "He did WHAT!? We are talking about Johnny right, John Roderick Gage, the one that-" "Right I got you," "The John Gage I know would never have done what you said he did, I have no idea where to start looking." "When he's really stressed he always goes camping." "yeah, yeah, a park might be a good place to start looking." "Where you at?" "Okay hold on."

Still wearing a stunned look on his face Roy placed the phone against his chest and looked to his captain. "Johnny just kidnapped a couple of little girls and ran off with them, the person who was watching him while Dwyer checked in at headquarters thought he would be better off with her prescription instead of his and Morton thinks he's sleepwalking."

"Gage did what?" was heard from behind the brick partition before Chet's head was seen over the top of the wall, Marco could be seen leaning around the partition to get a look at what was going on as he pulled his bunker pants on, Mike was leaning up on his elbows in bed, all were giving Roy the look of highest disbelief in what they were hearing.

"Cap they don't know where to start looking and Dr. Morton said the medication he was given can severely affect his judgment. He says there's no telling what he might do right now, we have to find him."

"Alright everybody, John needs us let's get moving." The captain's command garnered just as much action as would the klaxons, bunker pants were pulled on and everyone was moving toward the trucks as Captain Stanley called in a still alarm and looked to Roy to supply the address of where they were going.

-0-

With a greater understanding of what was taking place the police sergeant updated his men in the field and instructed that their searches focus on the four parks closest to Dwyer's apartment. Dwyer looked over the map and recognized a small neighborhood park that was little known but he was sure Johnny knew about it, since they'd both talked about it being a nice little place to take a date out for a picnic.

"Sir, you haven't assigned anyone to that park, I'd like to search that area," Dwyer offered.

"Officer Charles you go with him." The sergeant accepted the help but before Officer Charles joined the off duty paramedic in the patrol car the Sergeant pulled him aside and asked him to see what he could find out about the neighbors.

-0-

Charlie and Officer Charles had just pulled out toward the small park when a fire engine numbered 51 pulled up to the command station. Captain Stanley was quick to get out of the truck and hurry to the police sergeant to offer their assistance. Roy parked the squad across the street and hurried to the captain's side.

"Let me guess, you boys are here to help find your brother." The sergeant looked at Hank Stanley, He knew the boys in blue would do just about anything for one of their own but kidnapping was a serious charge and no matter what the reason John Gage would have to be taken into custody, at least until everything could be sorted out.

"Look Captain Stanley, I know it's one of your boys that we're looking for and that makes me reluctant to accept your help, but there's also two very small and I'm sure very frightened children involved in this drama now. So I will accept your offer, but you will have to work along with my men and when he is found John Gage will be placed under arrest on the charge of kidnapping."

"I understand Sir," Hank Stanley understood his concerns completely. "I give you my word that none of my men with interfere, I only ask that he be taken to Rampart for medical treatment once he's been arrested."

"That I can allow." The police sergeant accepted the request. Then stepped up to his map to see where he could best use his new volunteers.

"Sir," Roy spoke up looking over the police sergeant's shoulder, "I notice that you don't have anyone assigned to this park." Roy pointed out a park outside their current search parameters. "This is a place that Johnny takes my children whenever he watches them so my wife and I can have some time together. It's also between here and his apartment." Roy added.

"Captain Stanley that park is your assignment. I'll get some of my men over there and they will be the ones in charge. Are we in agreement?"

"Yes Sir." Captain Stanley agreed and he and Roy returned to their respective trucks and headed in the direction indicated.

-0-

Enroute to the park Officer Humphrey Taggard Charles looked over his temporary assistant. Humphrey J. Taggard had been his mother's father, the grandfather who died at the hands of a drunk driver just three days before his birth. He had died without a son to carry on the family name so it was agreed he would bear the name. since he never knew his grandfather he really didn't feel a great pride in his name, in fact he abhorred being called Humphrey, Hump or any variation of it. He answered to Tag though out most of his Elementary and junior high school days. In High school the football coach started calling him Charlie and that carried over into the police academy and out onto the streets. This was one infrequent moment he was willing to go by Tag again to keep from being confused with another Charlie. But this Charlie had agreed to answer to his last name, Dwyer, so the problem was solved.

"So Dwyer, you know when we find John Gage he's under arrest until we can officially sort all this out?"

"But it's not his fault," Dwyer tried to defend his friend, "He doesn't know what he's doing, I'm sure he just thought he was protecting those kids, I know he'd never hurt them."

"You said it yourself and so did the doctor, there's no telling what he might do."

"So tell me, is your neighbor really knocking his kids around?" Charlie was fulfilling his assignment.

Dwyer looked over at the police officer driving the car, "I don't think he ever actually lays a hand on them but he yells a lot. As far as I can tell his method of quieting them down when they start to cry is to drown them out with his yelling and when that doesn't work he yells at his wife to make them shut up."

"What about the bruising on the little girl's face that this Marlene person was talking about."

"That wasn't his fault. The mother was in the parking lot of the grocery store three blocks over, I just happened to be there doing my shopping at the same time, I walked in just as she pushed her cart out. Anyway this old lady whose driver's license was already years expired backed into the side of her car. The store manager knows I'm a paramedic so he sent me out to see what I could do until help arrived, Joan got a good concussion and little Lisa somehow got hit in the face with a can of coffee that rolled off the top of the car with the impact. She also got a cut on her arm from a broken catsup bottle. It took half a dozen stitches to get it all sewed up and Doug was really beside himself when he had to try and hold her down while they did the stitches. I thought he might learn how to deal with his daughters while his wife recovered but he just shipped them off to his mother-in-law's place. They must have just come back tonight."

"So he's not abusing his children as far as you know?"

"Turn left here," Dwyer directed, "I wouldn't say that, but nothing people like you or me can do anything about. You saw how his wife coward with his threats, the kids are a lot worse, unfortunately his screaming usually makes them cry harder and longer. I just wish someone could teach him how to pick them up and cuddle them. I mean the baby, crying is the only way she knows to communicate; he should be trying to find out what she needs not yelling at her. There's the park right there, there's a little water pond in the corner over there and a nice flat piece of grass in front of it. Johnny told me about the place when I had a date a couple of months ago."

As soon as the patrol car came to a stop Charlie Dwyer was out and running in the direction he pointed out, Officer Charles took a moment to radio in and inform his commander that they had arrived at their assigned location and would be conducting a search on foot. He then joined the off duty paramedic who found the place occupied by another young couple trying to enjoy themselves.

The park was indeed small so even thought the young couple hadn't seen anyone with children they gave it a good search anyway and reported back that there was no sign of John Gage in that area.

-0-

The crew from station 51 were just approaching the park Roy had suggested when the radio's came alive on the frequency they had been assigned to use.

"Suspect has been located, at the burger barn on sixth and Wilshire, I repeat at the burger barn on sixth and Wilshire, he is on one of the outdoor tables and is unconscious please respond a fire department medic unit to this location."

Roy asked his partner to radio in accepting the response and made a U-turn. The burger barn in question was three miles behind them and had been closed for over an hour.

The engine was too big to make a U-turn they drove around the block and met the squad at the hamburger joint.

"Trust Gage to end up at a place like this," Chet Kelly commented as he climbed down from the engine, "This is probably where he eats most of his off duty meals."

Still the man was eager to see his favorite pigeon and to see for himself that he was alright.

Roy had just convinced them to undo the handcuffs so that he could roll John over on his back to continue his evaluation. He had already determined that he had a good strong pulse and respirations. It seemed to Roy that they indicated he had been running and just stopped to rest before falling back to sleep. After a quick check of his pupils and noting that they were dilated like he had expected with the medications given. The main concern now was that there was no sign of the two little girls anywhere.

After determining that there was nothing seriously wrong with his partner Roy began to slap John's face to get him to wake up. "Johnny, Johnny, wake up, Johnny I need you to wake up for me."

Roy was rewarded with two open but glazed over eyes as he continued to try and arouse his partner. "Johnny, you had two small children with you, where are they?" Where did you leave the little girls, Johnny can you tell me?"

"Girl's? Gir-rl's, there was only one girl, Roy, Mar, a, Marley's in the kitchen making clam chowder." Johnny's head lolled to the side and he was once again asleep.

It was Captain Stanley who handed Roy the ammonia ampoule, he wasn't sure it would wake him up enough to reason with and he knew that it might cause the man to vomit but the welfare of two little girls was at stake and he knew once John was back to being himself he would have wanted them to do whatever they had to, to find those girls.

Roy knew the same thing his captain did so he reluctantly broke the ampoule open and waved it under John's nose. The first few times John just jerked his head away from the ampoule but did not come around to a point he could answer questions.

Hank added his last contribution. "Fireman Gage pay attention!"

"Ca Cap, that y-you?"

"That's right Gage now snap out of it and talk to me."

John's eyes opened at the command and he turned his head to his commander. "Yes sir." John replied.

"John," Hank was still speaking sternly, "you were in possession of two little girls what did you do with them."

"What, What are you talking about Cap." John was still drugged but he was responding.

"You took two little girls from their parents, a three year old and an eight month old infant, where are they? What did you do with the little girls you took?"

"I took, no Cap I'd never do anything like that, you know I'd never do anything like that. I couldn't have taken any little girls. Roy tell him, tell him I'd never do anything like that."

"Johnny you were seen by several witnesses." Roy confirmed as he held his partners face between his hands, "You were taking some medicine that caused you to sleepwalk. We need to find those little girls Johnny, think, Johnny, think, you've got to remember where you left the girls."

"But Roy, I'd never do anything like that."


	10. Rude Awakening

**A Rude Awakening**

No matter what Roy tried John remained groggy and incoherent, fighting to keep his eyes open, there was no convincing him at this point what he had done and Roy was sure he didn't remember a thing. It was up to medical intervention now to try and reverse the effects of the drug he'd been given. As much as he hated to do so Roy stood up and pulled away from John, he was lifted onto an ambulance gurney and handcuffed to it in one smooth motion. As he was being rolled toward the ambulance the police officer who would be accompanying him started reading him his rights.

Hank insisted that Roy's temporary partner ride in with John, he knew, and so did Roy, that they needed to find those little girls. If something happened to them or they had been hurt in any way- Even if John were completely cleared of any knowledgeable wrong doing his self imposed guilt would do more harm to him than a firing squad.

As the ambulance pulled out the police car driven by the Sergeant in Charge pulled in. Hank wasted no time in approaching him.

"John Gage is on his way to the hospital, Sir," Hank started, "He's still pretty out of it and having trouble believing he really took those girls. The Doctors are going to do everything they can to help him remember what he did with the children, but in the mean time let's see if we can figure out where he might have left them ourselves."

The police Sergeant was pleasantly surprised by the firefighters focus on the young girls instead of their shift mate.

"Could we get a good look at that map you were using and see if we can get any ideas?" Hank suggested before adding, "Roy you better come over here, you know Johnny better than any of us."

The group spent a few minutes looking over the map, a dot was placed in the location of Dwyer's apartment building and another at the point where John was found. Then a Circle was drawn around the points starting at Dwyer's apartment and encompassing the space between there and where John was found. Time was calculated and they were amazed in the distance he had traveled. Hank reminded them that John was a fire fighter and that meant he was in top physical condition.

The rest of the crew was pulled in to the mix as Hank started to ask if anyone knew any of John's girlfriends and if any of them lived within the circle that had just been drawn on the map.

"Let's not forget that in his state of mind," Captain Stanley added, "He may have just set them down to get a drink from a drinking fountain or sprinkler somewhere and forgot about them."

"So you're saying we should be looking around every drinking fountain and sprinkler we see?" The men looked up to see Officer Charles and Dwyer stepping up to the group.

"Yeah, I'd recommend it," Roy added looking over the new comers. "Do you think the three year old would have tried to carry her baby sister away somewhere?"

"I don't know," the police sergeant spoke in response to Roy's question, "we should talk with the parents and find out if she's done that kind of thing in the past."

"Roy I'm so sorry about what happened to Johnny, I had no idea they were going to pull a special session with the crisis councilor tonight when I agreed to take Johnny to my place, and I had no idea Marlene would give him something other than what she was told to."

Roy thought for a moment and realized he didn't hold Dwyer responsible for what happened. His partner would have found some way to get into trouble no matter who was watching him.

"It's all right Dwyer, I don't think I've seen a better case for Temporary insanity before in my life, let's just find those girls before something happens to them. Because if anything happens to them there will be nothing left of my partner's sanity to save."

The search crews were directed to refocus on three different apartment buildings and as luck would have it the first one they went to they found a nurse that Johnny had dated, she didn't know anything about the children but she did know plenty about several other nurses Johnny had dated and the areas where some of them lived.

-0-

Meanwhile at the hospital John was quickly hooked up with two IV's and a catheter to help flush the drugs out of his system. Dr. Early was called and woken up for a consultation and his advice on what to do next, and of course he came back to the hospital to deal with his patient himself.

Dr. Brackett was called at home by fire department headquarters because one of the paramedics he oversaw was displaying signs of a mental breakdown, which was an interesting way to describe Johnny's actions, so of course he also quickly dressed and hurried back to the hospital to weigh in on the situation from a hands on point.

Dixie was contacted by the police, through the personnel office, because one of the nurses they met in their search thought she might know more about the nurses Johnny dated and where they lived. It wasn't long before she was also at the hospital with personnel records in hand and a police officer with a radio at her side.

Finally, only an hour before the drugs he had been give would have worn off anyway Johnny started to come around. With this news both Doctors Early and Brackett moved into his treatment room, each carrying a cup of coffee for him and followed by two police detectives. Two police officers had been standing guard over their prisoner from the moment he had been found at the burger joint. It made for a crowded treatment room.

When they arrived in the room Johnny was starting to turn his head back and forth and squinting against the light that was far brighter than he likes.

"Johnny, Johnny, I need you to wake up and talk to me, Come on Johnny." Dr. Early started prodding While Dr. Bracket turned the over head lights off to help encourage him to open his eyes.

"Doc," John opened his eyes and gave Dr. Early a puzzled look, he then looked around the room before turning back to Dr. Early, "What's going on here, I thought I was released to stay at Dwyer's place till Roy was off duty." John lifted his head but still felt the effects of the drugs, "Why are they —" Johnny started to point to the police officers in the room, that was when he noticed he was handcuffed to the bed rails.

"What's going on here, why am I handcuffed?" Johnny started to panic.

Dr. Early placed his hands on John's shoulders, more in comfort than to hold him down. While he was trying to get Johnny to look at him and not the police officers, Dr. Brackett worked the foot controls to raise the head of Johnny's bed till his was nearly in a seated position.

While the bed was rising John managed to take in the two IV's and the extra tube inserted lower in the anatomy and turned his focus on Dr. Early because he knew he would be the one to tell him what was going on.

With a hand on the side of Johnny's face to keep his attention on him Dr. Early began to talk,  
>"Johnny there was a slight mix up with your medications, as a result you started sleepwalking."<p>

John registered what he was being told and noticed the tender soles of his feet, "Where did I walk to?"

"Well to be honest with you, we don't know, but we do know that you picked up a couple of girls along the way." Dr. Early was treading carefully to keep his patient and friend from going in to a panic that would be anti-productive.

Johnny started to smile revealing he had gotten the wrong idea about what was being said, then he turned to the law enforcement officers in the room. "What did I do? Are they saying I tried to rape them or something?"

"NO Johnny listen to me, listen carefully," Joe Early pulled John's face back to focus on him.

"The two girls were age three years and eight months," John's eyes flew open wide in panic and disbelief.

"Doc, I'd never," Dr. Early stopped him quickly with the raise of his hand.

"I know you'd never do anything like that under normal circumstances, But you were under a lot of very heavy sedatives at the time. We think you were responding to their crying and wanted to help them."

"So what did I do, did I hurt them, why am I here with these," he pulled at the handcuffs holding him to the bed, "their okay aren't they?" John turned deeper and deeper in panic as his breathing increased out of control. "They're not dead are they?"

"Johnny, Johnny, listen to me, come on listen to me, focus on me." Dr. Early fought to get control of his patient. "WE don't know where the children are, when we found you they weren't with you. We need you to help us find them. We need you to help us figure out where you left them."

"I left them somewhere?" Johnny questioned, how could he have done what they were telling him. How could he have hurt two defenseless little girls, little babies?

Still breathing faster than he should Johnny looked at Dr. Early then Dr. Brackett and gave a slight nod of his head. "Where do I start what do I need to do?"

"That's good Johnny," Dr. Early continued to hold his face in his hands to keep him focused, "We need you to think back, think hard, what's the last thing you can remember?"

Feeling that the medical personnel were working for the same goal they were, which was finding the lost children, the Law enforcement officers remained silent and stayed off to the side.

Johnny rest his head back against the bed and tried to think hard, but it looked as if he might go back to sleep.

"What's the last thing you remember?" Dr. Early prompted again.

John's eyes flew open in panic and his breathing increased and he locked eyes with Dr. Early but didn't say a thing.

"What is it, John, what do you remember?"

"He shot them, their beds, he thought they were in them and he just shot them to pieces. His own children, he just shot them!"

Dr. Early and Dr. Bracket looked at each other in a panic similar to the state John was in then looked to the police.

"That was yesterday morning," the detective responded quietly, "The shoot out in the apartment next to his."

Dr. Early took a calming breath at the reminder of why John was on sedatives in the first place and turned back to his patient, still maintaining contact by holding his face in his hands.

"That was before Johnny, that was yesterday morning, you got the children out, their safe now with their mother."

"They said I didn't do anything to get them out of there," Johnny continued to remain panicked and if they didn't need him to remember where he'd left the little girls both Dr. Early and Dr. Brackett would have had him sedated again by now. "They asked how I felt now since I did nothing."

"Johnny, Johnny," Dr Early gave a gentle shake of his patients head but maintained his hold. Dr. Brackett reached for an ammonia capsule but waited and gave Dr. Early one more chance to calm his patient down and pull him out of the one traumatizing moment.

"Johnny!" Dr. Early's voice was loud, sharp and demanding; Johnny stopped breathing for just a second and focused hard on Dr. Early's face, "those children are safe, you saved them, the reporter who asked you those questions had bad information. You didn't do anything wrong, but I need you to move on from there. That was last night I need you to remember what happened tonight."

"Tonight?" Johnny questioned. Calming down just slightly as he kept his focus on Dr. Early.

"Do you remember, you were spending the night at Dwyer's place, you were staying in his guest room so you could sleep better? Do you remember going home with Charlie Dwyer?" Dr. Early continued to talk to Johnny and to hold his face in his.

Johnny paused in thought for a moment his eyes rolled around in their sockets as he thought, "I don't know maybe. Charlie had to go to headquarters, told me to choose between Hall or his friend Marty or something like that, Marlene, that was her name, said you told him not to leave me alone."

"That's right I did," Dr. Early was happy to be moving forward. "What happened next?"

"He told me he had a wife," Johnny remembered bits and pieces but they all seemed like a long ago, half forgotten dream. "She died, before he was a paramedic, Chocked to death. They'd only been married six months."

"Did he tell you that?" Dr. Early was making sure they were still on the right time line for the information they needed.

"Yeah, Marlene looks too much like his wife, not his type. He gave me permission to," Johnny stopped again and his facial features confirmed he was thinking hard. "Not sure what he wanted me to do."

"Okay Johnny, that's understandable, we wanted you to sleep you were bound to be confused because of the sedatives we gave you before you left the hospital. You needed to sleep do you remember that?" Johnny gave an affirmative nod of his head and put his complete focus back on Dr. Early's face.

"What do you remember next?" Dr. Early prompted. Johnny just looked at him with a distant stare.

"He gave me the other pill, and a glass of milk." Johnny spoke then paused for a moment Doctor Early was about to prod him forward when he added. "Put me to bed in my favorite sleeping clothes. He hung my dream catcher over the bed to catch the nightmares."

"You're doing good Johnny, what next?"

"He sat down on, on the side of the bed, he sat there and talked to me, He started to cry, he was crying and I was so sleepy I, I couldn't help him. I couldn't help him." John started to get frustrated and anxious again. "I couldn't help him."

Doctor Early pulled John into his shoulder and allowed him to cry as he rubbed the back of his head. "That's okay, I'm sure you did more than you remember. I'm sure Charlie just needed to cry some and that he didn't need you to do anything more than listen. He's alright now, he's just worried about you, I promise we'll see to it that he gets all the help he needs. Can you trust us to take care of both you and Charlie?

John's crying began to subside with Dr. Early's words and finally he was able to nod his head against the shoulder he was being held to. Once John was more settled, Joe rest his head back against the bed but still kept one hand at the side of his face to keep him focused.

"You're doing real good Johnny we're almost there. Can you remember anything that happened after that? Do you remember when Marlene was there looking after you?"

Again John thought hard and took a few deep calming breaths, "She made me chowder, clam chowder, better than Captain Stanley's. Don't tell cap I said that."

"I won't, I promise," Joe smiled and tenderly rubbed the side of Johnny's face. "Do you remember anything after the clam chowder?"

Johnny thought again, "We talked for a while and I was getting shaky again, I kept remembering the guy shooting, shooting at me, to a, to make me stay where he wanted me." Johnny started breathing fast again then took a deep breath and held it, forcing some resemblance of control. "She gave me my pills, and a, a, glass of milk to drink with them. Then she helped me back to bed and stayed with me, she was rubbing my back and then I must have fallen asleep."

"Do you remember anything else?" Dr. Early leaned forward and stood face to face with Johnny, Do you remember hearing the girls crying?"

John looked away in thought but then looked back at Dr. Early, finally he shook his head negatively.

"Do you remember someone shouting, a man shouting for the little girls to be quiet?"

Johnny thought long and hard again and finally shook his head. "I, I a, I don't remember anything like that Doc. The last thing I remember was Marley rubbing my back and then I woke up here. I woke up with them and these." John motioned to the police officers in the room and then pulled again against the handcuffs attached to the bed rail to make his point.

Dr. Early stood up straight and took a small step away from the bed, after a deep breath he turned his attention to Dr. Bracket and then took in another breath.

"So does that mean I really didn't do what they're saying I did?" Johnny questioned hopefully.

Dr. Brackett chose to step into Johnny's line of vision and carrying on the next part of the conversation.

"There were witnesses, Johnny, Marlene Johnson for one and the little girl's parents are two more. The police have found a few people who were driving on the road in front of the apartment building that said they saw you carrying the two little girls and running up the sidewalk." Dr. Brackett took a moment to place his hand on Johnny's shoulder, "What we now know for sure, no doubts, is that you were sleepwalking, you had no conscious awareness of what you were doing or why you were doing it. Unfortunately that is a rather common side effect of the drug that was substituted for what had been prescribed for you."

Johnny listened carefully to what Dr. Brackett was telling him, he felt absolved of any wrong doing, except, except they were also telling him that there were two tiny little girls out there somewhere that he had sat down and walked away from. Two tiny little girls all alone in the dark, cold, hungry, scared, and whether he knew what he was doing at the time or not he was the one who left them there.

"You got 'a help me remember doc. There has to be something you can do to make me remember where I left those little girls."

"I Don't think there is much we can do Johnny, but don't worry there's a lot of people out there looking for them. We'll find them."

"And what if you don't? Doc you've got to make me remember. There's got to be drugs you can use or hypnosis something like that," Johnny pleaded.

Dr. Brackett and Dr. Early once again shared silent consultation looks and they both sighed.

"It's a long shot Johnny but hypnosis might help you remember where you took the girls. It could also bring your memories from the day before up front and more vivid than they are now. It could be difficult."

"I don't care about that, once you find the girls you can dope me up again if you have to but we've got to find those girls. As fast as possible."


	11. The Search Continues

**The Search Continues**

Doctors Brackett and Early along with the two detectives stepped out into the hall where they could talk without John hearing.

"Is there any chance he's faking it?" was the lead detective's first question.

"Not likely," Dr. Brackett answered in a controlled manner. "There is a high incidence of similar reports resulting from the use of the drug he was given. That's why it's not widely prescribed. I would suspect that the women who gave it to him has been taking those pills for several years and has only had them continued because they work for her and she doesn't need them very often."

"What are the chances that he'll remember where he left the children under hypnosis?"

"I'm not sure," Dr. Brackett responded then looked to Dr. Early to see if he had something more to add, Dr. Early just shook his head negatively. "This is totally out of our area of expertise we're going to have to call in a psychiatrist to take over in that area."

"Do you have a psychiatrist in mind?"

"Not really, I'm about to see whose on call." Dr. Brackett responded.

"Do you mind if we call someone in that works with the police department?"

Dr. Brackett took in a breath and held it then turned to have a silent consultation with Dr. Early. Joe Early gave a barely noticeable shrug putting the ball back in Dr. Brackett's court.

"Would it be possible to get someone who works with both the Police Department and the Fire Department?" Dr. Brackett requested, he knew that the person who would be called in didn't really work for the police department at least not full time but would be a professional that was respected and had been cleared to help with police situations. There were several such psychiatrists out there who were approved by both the police and the fire departments.

"It's a given that he's going to need further treatment after this case is resolved. It would be nice if he didn't have to change doctors in mid stride if you can understand that." Dr. Brackett further explained.

"Yeah I do understand what you're saying," the detective looked at the floor in thought thrusting his hands in his pants pockets. "I guess that's a fair request. Can you direct me to the nearest phone so I can make the call?"

Just then Dr. Morton stepped up to the group, "Was he able to tell you where to find the children?"

"No," two in the group spoke at the same time while the other two just shook their heads.

"I was afraid of that." Dr. Morton tapped his hand with a chart held in his other hand, "I don't know if this will help but when John was rolled in here, he had some minor cuts and scrapes on the bottom of his feet. Nothing serious mind you but they did need to be cleaned up and dressed. I noticed fresh road tar and the kind of gravel they put down when they resurface a road, I thought I'd mention it in case it might give you some idea where he might have ran. There was also a slight cut that still had a piece of glass in it. It was from a broken beer bottle. I know it's not much, but it might be something to go on."

"Yeah it is, Joe, while I'm on the phone to the precinct you get on the radio and give that information to the guys out there looking for those girls. It definitely can't hurt."

-0-

Out on the streets three fire stations had joined in on the search along with over thirty police and sheriff officers. There was a large area to search but there was little in the area that looked like a place where children could be hidden. A lot of businesses long closed for the evening and apartment buildings along with single family dwellings.

When the word came out to look for streets that had been newly resurfaced, Roy felt for sure they were missing something. With the police and Captain Stanley's approval Roy drove the squad back to Dwyer's apartment and got out to look around.

"Can you tell me again what the witnesses said," Roy questioned the police officer that was with them.

"According to the Miss Johnson and the children's mother he ran out the door and into the street before heading in that direction," the police officer pointed north.

"But we found him at a burger joint in that direction." Roy pointed in a south westerly direction.

"So he changed directions," The police officer responded.

Roy rubbed his face in confusion, knowing more than ever that they were missing something. Roy then walked out into the street, and stood in the middle of the road looking in the direction he was told that his partner had run. Suddenly he knew there was one place they had definitely missed.

-0-

At Rampart the police had brought Mr. and Mrs. Kingston to the emergency room because Mrs. Kingston was complaining of a headache with dizziness. When Dr. Early heard that she'd been diagnosed with a concussion less than a week ago, he was quick to get her into a treatment room.

Dixie noticed Mr. Kingston standing outside the treatment room, he had made no attempt to follow his wife through the door and he was mesmerized by the police officer standing outside the treatment room down the hall.

"Mr. Kingston I wonder if you can help me get the paperwork started for your wife." Dixie found a reason to engage the man that was behaving other than she thought he should be.

"Can't you just get the paperwork from when she was brought here a week ago?" The man snapped at Dixie. Then he turned to face the police officer again. "That's where you have him right; the son of a bitch who ran off with my daughters?"

"Sir, I think you should wait in the waiting room, the doctor will come and tell you about your wife as soon as he's finished with his examination."

It took one of the police officers, that brought them in, gesturing toward the waiting area before Mr. Kingston moved and even then he kept his attention over his shoulder at the police officer standing guard down the hall.

-0-

In the treatment room down the hall with a police officer standing outside and another standing inside, John was sipping on the coffee he had been given to help him wake up. Since John was doing his best to be cooperative the police officer removed the cuffs from around the bed post to allow John to use both of his shaky hands to control the warm coffee. Half way through the second cup of coffee a nurse entered the treatment room, "Dr. Early said you can have you tubing removed," the nurse smiled knowing that Johnny like most men would be very willing to part with the tubing between his legs as well and the needles in his arm. The police officer in the room was just a little squeamish about watching so he joined the other officer in the hall planning to return as soon as the nurse left the room.

The doctor had also instructed the nurse to help John into some hospital issue pajama bottoms. He knew there was a chance that they would just take John to jail from the hospital and he wanted him to be covered if that were to happen. The shelf that held the pajamas in the treatment room John was in didn't have anything remotely his size so she stepped into the next room through a bathroom that connected the two treatment rooms. To save her some steps she brought two pair and unaware that the police were waiting for her to come out as a sign that they could come back in the nurse exited through the other treatment room so she could put the second pair of bottoms back where she got them.

As a result of those innocent actions Johnny was left alone fighting with his own thoughts and memories, fighting with all he could find in him to remember where he would have taken two little girls and why, even though all his efforts did was open up the horror of what he did remember and wanted so desperately to forget.

-0-

Dixie sat at the nurse's desk; still in her street clothes having never gotten into uniform for the emergency she was called in for. She should go home and get a few hours sleep before she needed to report to work but the dire situation her friend found himself in weighted heavy on her mind, as did the welfare of two little girls she had never met. She knew any attempt at sleep would be a wasted effort.

Kell Brackett exited his office with the police detective and the two went their separate ways with Kell soon standing face to face with Dixie with his hands on her shoulders.

"Are you Okay?"

Dixie remained quiet far too long, "I don't know Kell. How could any of this happen? What's going to happen to Johnny now?"

"Well the police have called in one of their psychiatrists; he should be here within the hour. As soon as it's business hours I'm going to suggest to Johnny that he gets a good lawyer. I'm afraid he's going to need one, but I don't want him to have anything more to think about until there is actually something he can do about it."

"Do you think the psychiatrist will be able to help Johnny remember where he took the children?"

Kell Brackett blew out a deep breath, "It's a long shot Dix, given the drug he was on at the time, I'm sure there was no conscious thought to what he was doing, he was just reacting to what he was hearing and what he'd been through earlier."

"Excuse me," their conversation was interrupted by a doctor from the pediatric ward, "Can you tell me where I can find a woman who was brought in by," he stopped to look through a medical chart he was holding in his hands, "By a man named John Gage."

"Pardon me," Dr, Brackett turned his full interest to the doctor.

"Did a Mr. John Gage bring a woman in here for treatment?" the Doctor questioned.

"He's one of our paramedics," Dixie responded in full confusion. "He's brought in a lot of patients can you be more specific?"

"Oh, of course," the doctor then opened up his file again and started looking for the specifics they were asking for. "According to this, two girls were brought in to the pediatric outpatient department around ten minutes after ten last night, the nurses at receiving were told to take care of them while he went to get their mother.

"When asked the three year old, who says her name is Lisa, said that her mother was hurt, I assumed he must have brought her here."

Before the doctor looked up from his charts Dixie was half crying and half laughing, "he brought them here, where he knew they'd be safe, heaven knows how many people are out there combing the streets looking under every bush looking for them and he brought them here!"

"Trust Johnny to do something so sensible, even when he's so drugged he can't even see straight," Kell added his elation.

"Um," the doctor from Peds got their attention again. "I'm sure I'm missing something here but the older of the two girls has an ear infection and we need parental consent to treat her."

"Of course," Dixie was still half laughing and half crying, "The father should be—" Dixie pointed to the waiting room but as she scanned the place she couldn't see him. "He was in the waiting room a few minutes ago."

"Joe's working on the children's mother in one of the treatment rooms. I'll go find the detective." Kell instructed then nearly ran in the direction he had last seen the detective.

Dixie turned to her paperwork but she didn't know the couple's last name so she led the doctor in question to Dr. Early whom she could see standing in the hall looking at a patients chart.

"Joe do you know where we can find the parents involved with Johnny's case?" Dixie asked somewhat cryptically.

"Yes, the mother is in room six, I just took the father in there a few minutes ago. He's still pretty upset, have they found the children yet?"

"They've been here at Rampart all along," Dixie was again crying, "He brought them straight to the Peds outpatient department."

"A, Dix, have you told the police yet?" Joe questioned, in listening to the conversations between the mother and father and what the mother told him when they were alone Dr. Joe Early felt the police needed to be involved and that John may have done those two little girls a big favor by getting them out of that apartment.

"Kell's telling them now; Dr. Milner here needs parental consent to treat one of the girls for an ear infection."

"I'll take you to them," Dr. Early offered, "Dix could you go tell Johnny, he's really worried about those girls."

"You bet I will," Dixie responded and quickly hurried toward the treatment room where Johnny was supposed to be resting. She was intercepted by Roy DeSoto who rushed into the Emergency department and hurried toward Dixie when he saw her knowing she could access all patients' files.

"Dix," Roy took her by the arm and turned her toward him. "There's one place we haven't looked is there any chance Johnny would have brought the girls here, to Rampart.

She smiled at the paramedic looking at her franticly, "yes, there's every chance he would have brought them here, in fact he did, he brought them straight to the Peds department, they're just getting parental consent to treat one of them for an ear infections now and I'm just going to tell Johnny. You want to come with me?"

Dixie looked up to see the rest of the station 51 crew spilling into the emergency room along with Charlie Dwyer in his street clothes and officer Charles, all of them looking worriedly after Roy.

"They found them," Roy called out to his shift mates and you could see the weight of the world slide off their shoulders as Roy turned to follow Dixie.

-0-

Dr. Early led Dr. Milner into the treatment room where Mrs. Kingston was resting with the aid of a sedative and pain meds to help her with her headache. Before Joe could introduce the children's mother to the doctor though there was something else he needed to know.

"Mrs. Kingston, Where is your husband?"

"He went to the bathroom in that little room right there. She pointed to the passage between two treatment rooms. This one didn't have a bathroom but held other supplies and a shower for decontaminating patients who had been exposed to chemicals or other such stuff that needed to be washed off in a hurry. But on the other side of that room was another door that led to the next treatment room and Joe had a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach. Leaving the other doctor to introduce himself Joe hurried through the wash room into the next treatment room were Dr. Morton was looking over some x-rays.

"Did a man just come through here?" Joe questioned.

"Yeah," Dr. Morton turned away from his x-rays for just a moment, "Just a few minutes ago. Said he was looking for the bathroom. I gave him directions and he went out that door." Mike pointed to the door that opened up into the main hall.

Joe exited through the same door but once he was in the main hall he didn't look toward the bathrooms.

-0-

Dixie and Roy were stopped at Johnny's door by the two police officers standing guard there. Since Dixie was out of uniform she needed to show her credentials that were luckily just in her pocket. They were then told that a nurse was in there taking out some tubing, the hum ha of the officer doing the talking was all Dixie needed to know they were removing John's catheter. They allowed Dix to go in first to make sure it was clear for Roy to enter, although Roy had seen that done to Johnny before so he didn't understand the fuss.

When Dixie opened the door she found the gurney in the center of the room empty. Before she could alert the guards to that fact there was a scream from the next room and the police officers were directed to the door that connected the two rooms.

Roy was right behind the police officers who entered the next room with their guns drawn, John was in the clutches of Mr. Kingston one arm around his neck the other holding a scalpel to Johnny's throat, while on the table was a young women half undressed holding a hospital gown up to cover herself.

"Don't shoot him." Johnny pleaded as the police entered, "Please don't shoot him, he just wants his babies back, please don't shoot him."

Whether it was Johnny's pleads or just the fact that they were in a hospital with lots of potential victims, they weren't shooting. Instead Roy followed helplessly as he watched the man, drag Johnny out into the hall and into a service elevator just a short distance away.

As the elevator doors closed the two police officers ran for the stairs.

Captain Stanley and the rest of the men saw what happened once they were in the hall way and hurried to Roy's side. "Radio us when you see what floor he stops on" Cap instructed Roy and he and the rest of the crew followed the police officers up the stair well, Dwyer and Officer Charles falling in line to run up the stairs as well.

Dixie figured she knew where they were heading and stepped into the treatment room to call security, she was sure they were headed for the top floor which just so happened to be where the lock up unit was located. There were always security officers on duty there and she made sure they knew the person they were watching for was armed, had a hostage and was considered dangerous.


	12. The Rescue

**The Rescue**

Standing in front of closed elevator doors watching the indicator light tell where the elevator was going was shear torture for Roy. He knew the reason he was left behind was because he was the one holding the hand held radio, also because he was too close to John. As he watched the elevator move upward he held his breath. Periodically he would press the button on his hand held radio to give those running up the stairs a progress report, "He's now on the 6th floor." "Their approaching the 9th floor," "Just past the 12th floor, I think they're going to the top."

Somewhere along the way Roy realized he needed to talk to remind himself to breath but he also felt for the men pouring it all out to try and beat the elevator to its destination. Somehow he knew they would manage to do just that and if the cops were slowing them down, well Roy could see his captain pushing them out of the way and moving past them.

"They just stopped on the top floor, the lights just went off. He must have pushed the emergency stop button." Roy reported and with his assignment completed, he sprinted for the stairwell.

Dr. Early and Dr. Brackett along with the two detectives had already climbed into the other elevator and because Roy was still on the radio frequency that had been assigned to them for the search efforts they also heard Roy call out that their suspects were now on the top floor.

-0-

In the stairwell the lineup changed several times on the way up but the police officers with their guns drawn and ready managed to stay in the front of the pack. Police officers are required to remain physically fit as well as firefighters.

When they all reached the top floor they were actually a few seconds ahead of the elevator, just enough time for the two police officers to position themselves at either side to the elevator doors and pressed against the wall so that they couldn't be seen right away. They were also able to motion for the nurses to take cover as well as the hospital security guards who are not allowed to carry weapons of any kind.

-0-

Once the elevator door was closed and the elevator started its slow and steady upward climb Mr. Kingston shoved Johnny into the corner of the elevator and the memory flashes of his previous time in the corner nearly incapacitated him.

"I want to know what you did to my little girls." The man demanded keeping his confiscated scalpel ready to attack if Johnny made the slightest advance on him. What Johnny knew that he didn't was that the scalpel was still in a hard protective sheath and had not yet had the blade attached, there are several different blades for different procedures and so the blade was usually never attached until after the doctor had his sterile gloves on to keep the blade sterile also. Johnny knew well that he was in no danger from the man in the elevator with him but he honestly felt like he should be.

"I don't remember anything about your little girls, I swear, I was all drugged up and they're telling me that I was sleepwalking," Johnny pleaded with the man to listen to him as he fought to stay in control of the over powering memories of the last time he had been forced into a corner. "I'm really trying to remember, I swear I don't want anything to happen to them either. I know you're angry with me, you have every right to be. You've got to take me back though. There's a psychiatrist coming in to help me remember, remember what I did and help them find your daughters."

"Why can't the others help you remember?" Johnny giving him permission to be angry with him was starting to defuse his anger, that and Johnny had never made an effort to get away from him or protect himself in any way.

"I, I don't know exactly, but they called in a specialist because I'm such a mess, I was a mess before, I don't know what came over me, I can't believe I did what they say I did."

"Yeah well believe it, you shoved me out of the way and sent me flying over the furniture to get to my girls." Mr. Kingston got angry again. "See here, I got this bruise on my back from what you did." The man turned his back on Johnny and lifted his shirt to show the bruise he received by hitting the arm of the sofa. He realized he was leaving himself open for an attack and turned around quickly his weapon at the ready, but Johnny had made no move against him. Johnny actually slid down to the floor in the corner and held his head in his shaky hands, a pair of hand cuffs attached to one wrist with the other bracelet dangling.

"I'm sorry man, I know that doesn't mean anything to you right now and it shouldn't, I wish I could remember, I wish I could have told them a long time ago where your babies are. You have no idea how much I wish I hadn't done what everyone said I did. You've got to take me back so they can help me remember where I left your girls. Once your daughters are safe you have my permission to beat the holey crap out of me, I deserve it for what I did."

Doug Kingston was taken back again, what was it with this man, just who was he?

"What's wrong with you anyway?" Doug motioned to the shaking hands that at this point he was sure couldn't hold on to a glass of water let alone form any kind of an attack on him. "Just what kind of drugs are you taking? Are they what made you so strong you could throw me across the room?"

"I was taking some heavy duty tranquilizers," Johnny answered in total honesty.

"Tranquilizers? You mean like sleeping pills? Those don't give you super human strength? I thought they just put you to sleep."

"That was the plan, they hoped that if I was drugged and slept well for 24 hours that I'd be better able to deal with what happened," Johnny tried to explain as visions of the bedding flying into the air after it had been hit by shot gun blasts assaulted Johnny as if it were happening at that very moment followed by visions of blood all over his hands and clothing. In response to those memories flooding in on him Johnny wept uncontrollably.

"So just what happened that is so damn hard for you to deal with, I can't imagine anything that would turn a man, at least not a real man, into some sniveling basket case."

John looked up at the man who thought he was holding him hostage, "I guess, I'm not a real man." Johnny slumped closer to the floor.

"So what happened to ya," Doug Kingston demanded loudly.

"I saw a man blow away his own children with a shot gun," Johnny brought Doug's eyes wide with horror. "He didn't really but he thought he did, his own flesh and blood," Johnny broke down and cried, half screaming through his tears, "Innocent children who'd done nothing wrong and he just blew their beds apart thinking they were in there asleep. I guess you could say that he didn't care for his children the way you do. How can a man do something like that?"

Doug could tell by the way that Johnny was looking at him that he expected him to have an answer to that question. Why was he looking at him for the answer? What kind of a guy did this man think he was? He'd never hurt his children, sure he yelled a little once in a while but even the police would only tell him to quiet down because he was disturbing the neighbors. Then Doug Kingston realized there was something familiar about the story he was hearing.

"Is that the thing that's been on the news all day, where three cops were shot and some fireman pulled them into his own apartment to save their lives?"

"I don't know about the news, I was sleeping all day remember, I'm not a real man, I couldn't deal with it. Some fireman right, that's me. Just some fireman, they said I didn't do anything to get them out of there now I have to live with that."

"Who said you didn't do anything to get them out of there," Doug was beginning to rethink his ideas about what a real man was, "on at least one of the news stations they actually showed some footage of you lifting the kids out of their bedroom window and handing them over to the next balcony, that was before that guy took you hostage at gun point."

In his mind John could once again see the injured police officer on the deck he could once again feel the uncertainty of leaving him there for someone else to retrieve and treat. John's palms were sweaty and his breathing fast and ragged as the color continued to drain from his face.

"Couldn't you have just tackled the guy or something, taken the gun away from him? Hell you could have shoved him over the railing. From three stories up he'd have gotten what was coming to him when he hit the ground. Probably wouldn't have killed him but the bastard didn't deserve to die so quick and painless like he did." That had been what Doug thought he would do while he spent a good portion of his day watching the multiple showings of the clips on the TV.

John once again felt the spray of blood against his face and jerked at the memory. "I, I um, I needed to check on the children's mother, make sure she was still alive, see if I could help her."

Doug Kingston's 'real man' ideas were just blown out of the water. How could anyone who wasn't a real man do what he had seen this, this totally incapacitated man in front of him do on the news just the day before.

Just then the elevator gave a slight jolt as he reached its highest destination, not ready for the doors to open, Doug quickly reached out and flipped the emergency stop switch and the lights went out. The two men were now in darkness, one sitting on the floor the other standing in the opposite corner, both breathing heavy, one sobbing.

For an unknown length of time the only sound in that elevator was breathing and sobbing, Doug Kingston thought long and hard, not only about the things he had seen on the TV but also about how he had spent the day imagining himself as the very hero he was now looking at. His images of that hero after the fact were nowhere near what he had been looking at before the lights went out.

Whether the man before him was a real man or not Doug couldn't decide just yet, but one thought did come to his mind. The man, real or otherwise, who he had watched on TV risking his life to save four innocent children and then putting it in danger again to check on their mother, would not hurt his children, not intentionally anyway.

For the very first time Doug could hear his daughter crying that she hurt, he saw in his mind the bruise on her face and he realized the man who came to his door had no idea how she'd gotten it. For the very first time in his life he thought about his own yelling. Could he really have been yelling loud enough to wake up a man on sleeping pills?

"Hey, um, do you really think this shrink guy they've got coming in to see ya can help you remember where you put my girls?" For the first time all night Doug Kingston was picturing his girls in some safe spot, sleeping because that was the only way he'd ever really looked at them.

"They have to," Johnny answered hanging on to the only hope he had, "We have to find them; we have to find them before they get hurt."

There was another period of silence, no one in the elevator had any idea how long it lasted, nor did either of them care.

"Are you alright?" Doug Kingston asked then realized that was the stupidest question he could have come up with, of course the man wasn't alright, even he could tell that. "I mean can you operate the elevator controls by yourself?"

John nod his head in response then realized it was dark, "Yeah," he responded as if he couldn't catch his breath.

"Well I'll, I think it would be better, um, under the circumstances if I didn't go down with you." Doug was only half thinking but he was thinking at least some. He then reached out and fumbled with his hands in the darkness for a moment until he found the door open button and pushed it.

Light rushed in blinding both men for just a moment but they both quickly recovered, "I'll just go down the stairs and um, a, I guess I should check on my wife. I really want my girls back, I really do."

"I know," John responded looking up at his supposed captor, "If I hurt them in any way, I expect you to kill me, I deserve it."

Just then John saw a gun just beyond the open elevator door. He knew from experience now that it was a cop's gun. Once again he felt the spray of blood on his face and before he could force himself to realize it was just a memory John was on his feet and Doug Kingston was pinned against the elevator wall.

-0-

Captain Stanley and his men plus one and minus two were huddled in the door way to the stairwell; they had moved to try and place themselves at either side of the elevator to back up the police officers but had been waved back. They hated it but they knew it was the right thing to do.

Officer Charles moved past them and joined the two armed police officers standing on either side of the elevator and silently they waited.

While they waited Roy met up with his crewmates, he was all out of breath but Mike managed to place a hand on his shoulder to hold him up and in a whispered voice filled him in while he caught his breath.

And still they waited, huddled behind a metal door that was being held open just a crack for them to see through. From their vantage point they saw Doctors Early and Bracket along with three other men dressed in suits move around the corner slowly from the other elevator at the end of the hall. They were all motioned to take cover behind the nurse's desk and two of the men in suits pulled guns and had them trained on the still closed elevator. From time to time one of the police officers would place his ear against the door and listen but each time he would pull back and shake his head indicating that he heard nothing.

When the elevator opened no one moved they all stayed frozen in place guns trained on the now open elevator.

The police officers at the door leaned in and listened close when they heard their main suspect talking.

"I'll just go down the stairs and um, a, I guess I should check on my wife. I really want my girls back, I really do."

Not able to hear John's response or even if he made one the leading officer leaned around the open door.

It was the men stationed behind the nurse's desk that saw the lightning speed in which John Gage sprung to his feet and pin the other man against the wall, but what they saw surprised them to no end.

John wasn't holding the man pinned but was rather standing in front of him facing the police officers. His hands spread wide to offer maximum coverage of a man who was much wider than he was.

"Don't shoot," John cried, "Please don't shoot, he just wants his girls back, don't shoot him." John then turned his head to the side and spoke to the man he kept behind him. "Whatever you do don't bring your head to the side of mine just stay totally behind me."

Slowly the two men stepped out of the elevator the man behind looking frightened at the guns drawn and pointed, he knew, at him. He cowardly stayed in John's protection.

John slowly side stepped leading the man he was protecting to the door to the second stairwell, not the one his friends and station mates were in, this stairwell John knew well from the many times he was a patient, it went from this floor to the roof only. He most often found it when he was desperate for some fresh air and to escape the four walls of his room as a patient, the door was unlocked like he usually found it.

John backed the man through into the stairwell then flipped the switch to lock it behind him. He knew it was just a matter of seconds before they got the key from the security guards he had seen standing behind the pillars, but he wanted those seconds.

Pushing Doug Kingston ahead of him John raced up the stairs and onto the roof. It was no real surprise to John, that there was a nurse and an orderly already there not really enjoying the stars, at least not the ones in the sky.

"Is there another way down," Doug asked the man who had rescued him, "What are we going to do now?"

John led the man past the confused couple to the most open section of the roof just as the police followed by the firemen followed by the doctors and now one Dixie McCall, all raced onto the roof after their suspects.

John once again pushed Doug behind him and stood in front with his arms spread wide.

"Doc," Johnny spoke up after everyone had moved into an offensive position held off only by a man of questionable mind set standing a little closer than was comfortable to the edge of the roof and a fourteen story fall. "You better get that psychiatrist up here so he can help me remember where those kids are."

"We found the children Johnny," Dr. Brackett spoke up, "There in the Ped's emergency day care, you brought them to the Ped's outpatient department and asked them to take care of them while you went back for their mother."

"Are they okay?" Doug tried to step out from behind Johnny but Johnny held them back.

"Are they alright, I mean did I hurt them?" Johnny repeated the question showing his own sense of guilt.

"You didn't hurt them Johnny," Brackett continued and noticed how Johnny was eyeing the guns that were drawn. "When we asked the oldest of the two girls what happened," Brackett gave a little chuckle, "She just said the man ran with me and sissy. I think she thought it was kind of fun."

Brackett quietly asked the police to put their guns away and Captain Stanley asked also. Hank had noticed the way John was protecting the man behind him and was sure he was trying to keep him from being shot like the man who had held him the morning before. That was when Hank looked around at the pre dawn sky over head and realized that all that had traumatized his young paramedic had happened in just a little over one day's time.

Slowly the police officers realized they were the only ones with the guns and even the bladeless scalpel was now lying on the floor of the elevator. Slowly and carefully each one returned their guns to their holsters and placed their hands in clear view.

John then allowed the man behind him to go to the police. Doug Kingston moved slowly and carefully also keeping his hands in full view. Before he reached the police however John did something that sent terror in to the hearts and minds of everyone watching him. John took two steps toward the edge of the roof and looked down.

"Johnny! Don't even think about it," Roy called out as he stepped forward being cautious in his movement.

"Why not," Johnny confirmed what they all feared the worst. "What's left for me? It's not like they're going to let me be a paramedic any more. I kidnapped two little girls for crying out loud."

"Johnny, you were under the influence of medications that effected your reasoning-" Brackett tried to reason with John but Dwyer threw his arm across the good Doctor's chest pushing him back as he stepped forward.

"You didn't kidnap them Johnny, you rescued them," Dwyer started talking to him as the police managed to place Doug Kingston in handcuffs and lead him to sit down on some mechanism or other that was on the roof and housed in a metal box affair about the height of a chair. "You brought them to Rampart to be taken care of, you didn't hurt them, you helped them."

"I don't remember," Johnny moved an inch closer to the edge of the roof and looked down again.

"I know you don't remember, you were sedated, do you remember that?"

"Yeah," Johnny responded, "But that's no excuse for what I did."

"Johnny, listen to me, I know what it was like, it was my apartment you were at remember." Johnny looked at Dwyer but made no response of any kind. "I've heard it before on a regular basis, the children crying, you can hear it through the wall. Then their father starts to yell at them. He tells them to shut up. He thinks if he yells louder than they're crying that they'll stop. But they're crying because they need something, because that's the only way they know to communicate right now. So they keep crying."

Seeing that Johnny's full attention was on Dwyer, Captain Stanley and Roy started inching ever so slowly on their friend from different directions. Charlie Dwyer knew the drill he kept talking drawing his story out to keep Johnny focused on him long enough for the others to get close enough to make their move.

"Then he yells louder, sometimes he yells that if they don't stop crying he's going to give them something to cry about."

"I don't remember," Johnny muttered quietly.

"I know you don't remember Johnny, but you do remember being sedated right?"

Johnny gave a slight nod of his head but didn't say anything.

"Your also a paramedic, you eat, sleep and dream, helping other people, it's more than what you do it's who you are. You heard the babies crying and you went to see if you could help, doesn't that sound like something you would do?"

Again Johnny gave a barely noticeable nod as he locked eyes on his fellow paramedic.

"When you got to the door and the father opened it. You saw the little girls crying, you heard their father yelling at them, telling them to shut up, yelling for someone to shut them up. Then you saw them. One little girl was hurt. Her face was bruised."

"Dr. Brackett said they were alright." Johnny questioned what he was hearing.

"They are alright Johnny," Dwyer talked fast holding his hands out in front of him pleading for Johnny to stay focused on him, trying to keep his full attention on him. "You didn't know that they had been in an accident, a car accident, a few days earlier, Lisa, the older of the two girls got hit in the face with a coffee can when another car backed into the one her mother had just put her in. She had a cut on her arm. But you didn't know how she got them. You just heard the crying, and the yelling. You were on tranquilizers that affected your judgment but they didn't affect your need to help those little girls.

"You still remembered what happened at your apartment, but you had to help those tiny helpless girls so you did the only thing your drugged mind could think of at the time. You grabbed them up and you ran. You ran to get them to help just like you always do, just like you were running from a fire with a victim."

Just then Cap lunged and latched on to John around the waist and started pulling him away from the edge of the roof. Roy was just an instant behind him taking hold of John's shoulders and pulling in the same direction as Charlie Dwyer and the rest of station 51 a shift joined in to take hold of Johnny and then they all fell in a heap on the roof.


	13. Gathering all the Pieces

**Gathering All the Pieces**

Seven firemen held on to their friend so tight there was no room for the medical staff or the law enforcement officers to get into the mix. When Johnny just went limp in the arms of his fellow firefighters everyone else was content to stand back.

Brackett turned to Dixie with an order for a sedative but one of the men in a suit placed a hand up to stop her as he watched the interactions of his patient with the men who held him tight.

Dr. Winslow had worked with the police department for ten years and only five with the fire department and then more on a hit and miss basis. He had been called in to help a drugged fireman remember where he placed two children he had reportedly kidnapped. What he had seen and heard in the last five minutes didn't fit with his original briefing and he knew he needed to spend some time to catch himself up on everything that had transpired over the last couple of weeks preferably before he moved forward or administered any more drugs.

His patient was now very submissive in the hands of professionals he seemed to trust and considered friends. They had some time. Dr. Winslow chose to take that time and observe.

-0-

Six of the seven firemen knew firsthand the kind of fight Johnny could give them and they were ready for it. When Johnny went limp in their arms they didn't know what to think, their first reaction was to look to Roy for direction. All he could do was shake his head to let them know he was as much in the dark as the rest of them.

When John remained limp in their arms Hank and Roy actually began to fight over who was going to pull him into their arms. Cap just happened to have the better hold, he won.

Pulling John into his chest Hank reached with his other hand and cupped the back of John's head bringing it to his shoulder and holding it there.

"It's going to be all right John, Everything's going to be all right," Hank cooed as Roy who had lost out on holding his partner reached down and fingered his pulse around the hand cuffs still attached to one wrist.

When Roy let go John responded to the holding he was getting by very slowly moving his arm and dragging the handcuffs as he reached around his captain's side and put his arm around his captain's back pulling himself closer as he pulled his knee's up in a fetal position and silent tears started to flow down his cheeks.

Everyone was confused as to why the medical staff was standing back but Roy had seen through the corner of his eye how one man had held the rest off. Roy was sure he was the psychiatrist that had been called in for John. When he was done with counting a pulse and respirations Roy looked to the man who had taken charge. When he saw the man nod his head it was confirmation that they were doing the right thing so he kept on doing it.

As Hank held John and started to rock slowly the rest of the men either placed a hand on his head or shoulder, one lay his hand on an arm and a few others found a spot on his leg to just let their presence and support show. Roy started to rub John's back there was a sense that there was still more to come but also a sense that they had made it through the worst of things. Mostly there was shock that John had even thought of ending his life and knowing that they could have lost a good friend in the blink of an eye.

Dr. Winslow sensed that everything was currently under control and stepped back among the others to get the information he needed before proceeding, but he kept his eye on the huddle of men in front of him.

"I was called in to help him remember where he'd left some children, am I right in saying that that is no longer the goal."

"NO," Dr. Brackett began then corrected himself, "I mean yes, the children are found, they were here at the hospital the whole time, he brought them straight here where he knew they'd be safe and taken care of."

Turning to one of the police detectives, "Is he still under arrest?"

"Yes, this investigation is far from over," the detective spoke with some compassion. "I'm thinking however that he should stay here at the hospital not in a jail cell."

"That would be a correct assumption." Dr. Winslow spoke but kept his eyes on the actions surrounding his new patient. There was still a lot to figure out. "We better find him a room in a lock up, but if it's all right with you," he turned very briefly to the detective he'd been talking to, "I'd like to have him in psyche not the jail ward."

"As long as he is confined and we can keep a guard on him, you can put him anywhere you like." The Detective was very agreeable. They all felt that John Gage was more of a danger to himself than anyone else right now.

Dr. Winslow then turned to Dr. Brackett, "will you make those arrangements please, I'd also like an immediate blood draw, let's run a complete tox screen, full blood chemistry and a complete blood count, and I'd also like to see the results of any blood work that has been done on him before. Is the only way off this roof, down that stairway?"

"That's correct," Dr. Brackett responded.

"Are those men going to be able to get him down to the next level?"

"Without breaking a sweat," Dixie answered, "in fact I'd like to see you pry him out of their hands before they get him there."

Dr. Winslow nod his head in understanding to Dixie's statement, and Dixie moved ahead to make the requested arrangements.

The men who were holding John heard what was said about the locked room John was going to. None of them liked that thought, all of them considered mutiny for a moment but each of them realized they'd only be doing more harm than good for their friend if they didn't follow orders.

When Dr. Brackett stepped up and asked, "Do you guys think you can get him down stairs? We'll have a gurney waiting on the next floor," there was nothing left for them to do but what they were told.

Roy managed to pull Johnny toward him as Mike stepped in to lock arms with Roy behind John's shoulders and then lock their other arms under his knees. Chet and Marco helped Cap to his feet and he quickly took a place behind Roy and Mike adding his support to John's back and head. Chet and Marco moved ahead to make sure the doors were opened and Charlie Dwyer and John's temporary replacement stood breathing heavy knowing more than they wanted to about what could have happened and not nearly as much as they wanted to about why.

When Johnny was laid on the waiting gurney he looked to be semi conscious. As soon as he was down Dr. Winslow checked a pulse and respirations then looked up at Roy. "What did you get on the roof?"

"Pulse 150, respirations 30," Roy responded while keeping a hold of his friends hand.

"It's only 100 and 17 now, you guys did a good job of calming him down. Good work all the way around."

"Mr. Gage," Dr. Winslow called rather loudly, Johnny looked at him but his eyes lacked any sign of recognition or real response. "I want to look you over, I'm going to take a look in your eyes and in your mouth. We're going to draw some blood too so I don't want you to be afraid."

Dr. Winslow then pulled Johnny's eyelids up and flashed the pen light he borrowed from Dr. Brackett in his eyes. Even from a distance most everyone noticed that his pupils were still dilated and were slow to respond. He then pulled John's chin down and looked in his mouth taking one finger and running it under his lips. "He's dehydrated, let's start him on an IV with Ringers as soon as we get the blood drawn, I want the IV secured to his arm in a place that will allow him maximum movement."

Dixie was already headed in John's direction with a hand full of test tubes and a needle but when she heard the order for an IV she stopped at the supply closet and got the rest of what she needed. She was feeling rather protective of her young friend at the moment and if she could save him the trauma of a second needle stick she wanted to do that.

John rolled his head and watched the needle go in and all the tubes fill, the firemen from Station 51 stood by ready to hold him down if they needed to, Cap and Roy each had a hand on one of his shoulders.

Dr. Winslow supervised the IV being taped down and even suggested a few additional pieces of tape be added. "All right young man let's get you to your room and let you get some rest, shall we."

The firemen all surrounded around the gurney and moved it along behind the nurse leading them, until they were told they could go no farther. They then stood rooted in the spot they were told to stop and watched as a nurse and two orderlies took over and wheeled John into a room, they were still standing there when the gurney was wheeled out again and the door was locked with a key.

"Doctor," Captain Stanley cautiously lay his hand on the doctors forearm, avoiding any appearance of being aggressive, "Will he be allowed visitors?"

Dr. Winslow turned and looked at each of the firemen as if he were looking right through them, then nod his head, "call in sometime tomorrow afternoon and the nurse at the desk will be able to tell you when. I want him to sleep as long as he will right now. From what I've heard and seen he's had quite a night."

"A wild day and a half is more like it Doc." Hank replied then turned and motioned for his men to move out.

Charlie Dwyer turned to follow them when Dr. Winslow took a hold of his upper arm to stop him. "I need to know for sure. The things you were telling him on the roof. Is that what it's really like at your neighbors?"

"Yeah, I've called the authorities several times, but they've never been able to do anything other than tell him to quiet down because he's disturbing the neighbors. I've never seen him hurt the kids or any evidence that they've been hurt but he sure is loud."

"How often does this yelling happen?"

"If he's home and awake, he's yelling." Dwyer answered with emphasis.

"Is he a heavy drinker?"

"Not that I've seen."

Charlie Dwyer was allowed to follow his friends and the three doctors remained, Dr. Winslow to write orders and chart his observations, Doctors Bracket and Early, to fill the new doctor in on all that they knew of what happened to John in the last thirty hours, Dr. Early made sure to tell him about the reporter the ammonia ampoule and her miserable timing.

"I also had the opportunity to talk with the mother of the two girls Johnny ran off with. She said her husband had been working two jobs for about a year now. He's trying to save up enough money to make a down payment on a house; she said something about wanting to live someplace where the neighbors didn't call the cops every time he opened his mouth. She also admitted that even though he's never laid a hand on her or the children she was worried about what he might do if there wasn't that frequent intervention. She made the comment that he was very disappointed when both of their children were born because he really wanted a boy not girls."

"So what are you telling me?" Dr. Winslow gave Dr. Early a challenging look. "That you think Mr. Gage did the right thing?"

"NO of course not, and I know he wouldn't have done what he did if he hadn't have been under the influence of the drugs he was on. I'm just trying to say that there was clearly something that stimulated him into action that's all."

"Let me ask this question," Dr. Winslow continued his challenging stare at the two doctors who were doing their best to tell him his patient was totally innocent and that it was the actions of others that caused him to do what he had done. "Why wasn't he in the hospital, why was he at this friends house in the first place?"

Kell and Joe exchanged regretful glances, realizing themselves that they had contributed to the situation that caused John to act as he had.

"He wasn't able to rest with all the hospital noises, and we were afraid more reporters would manage to slip past our security. We either had to put him here where we could control the outside noise or let him go to a quiet place."

"So you let him go to the quiet place, where he was placed in yet another domestic violence situation before he had been able to deal with the first one, expecting a paramedic to do for him what a staff of nurses should have done, and said paramedic ended up passing the ball to another who had other ideas of how to help him. Now that this has played out as it has, what do you think of your choice?"

Both doctors took in a deep breath and blew it out slowly, "I wish we'd have kept him." Kell Brackett responded in full acceptance of his choice.

"And next time?" Dr. Winslow continued to stare down the two doctors.

Again Kell and Joe exchanged glances; there was no question in their minds that there would be a next time, possibly even a next time with Johnny. The men who worked in the paramedic's often faced some pretty horrific stuff. Stuff any human being would have trouble just walking away unaffected by.

"Right now I'm thinking we need to find a way to set up a few rooms so that we can block out outside disturbances. So that keeping them here where they can be better supervised will be a better option." Kell responded.

"I'll leave you to it then," Dr. Winslow spoke curtly, "I think you gentleman may also want to consider calling in a doctor who's not so close to the patient and can be more objective."

Joe and Kell both knew they had been dismissed and with their heads hung low made their way to the elevator. In the silence of the elevator ride down they each asked themselves if they were really so close to Johnny that they couldn't be totally objective with his care. When the doors opened again in the emergency room they still weren't sure of the answer.


	14. The Face in the Mirror

**The Face in the Mirror**

Doug Kingston was led down the stairs behind Johnny and the crew caring for him. Before the doctor who was calling all the shots started to follow he asked the police officers if he could speak with him for a minute. The doctor was more worried about getting his patient settled in and told the police officer that approached him "Later."

From the roof Doug was led in handcuffs down the stairs and into the elevator. One of the two detectives that had been helping to search for his daughters was reading him something about the right to remain silent and the right to have an attorney present during questioning. Doug was thinking silence was his best option right now but his mind was screaming at him. He could almost hear the yelling echoing back and forth between his ears.

"Can I see my girls," he asked, "Please?"

The detective at his side thought for a moment then gave a nod of his head to the police officers who were standing on either side of him. Another button was pressed on the elevator control panel and a few moments later Doug was being led from the elevator down a hallway that was surprisingly empty of medical staff and people dressed in white. As he was being led past a large window he was stopped and one of the officers pointed through the glass. When Doug followed the finger he noticed first his wife sitting in a wheelchair, there was a pole on the back of it where an IV was hanging, in her arms were both of the two girls. The baby was sleeping in one arm while little Lisa sat on her mother's other knee and talked excitedly. Once Doug let out a sigh of relief he was led to the door and into the room that's when he noticed that the room was actually two rooms combined. The first was a combination play room, class room and cafeteria, all equipped with small chairs. Beyond that was another room and stacked along one wall were a dozen cots, an open closet revealed pillows and blankets, one corner held three cribs.

As they entered one of the cops placed his finger to his lips in the universal sign to be quiet. He then pointed out three other children still sleeping. Once they stepped into the sleeping room Doug's wife, Joan, looked up at him. Seeing him in handcuffs she started to cry but what hurt Doug the most was when his daughter looked at him, her previously happy face disappeared as she quickly got down from her mother's lap and ran behind the wheelchair to hide.

Doug was allowed to step forward a few feet and he knelt before his wife. "Are they alright?"

Joan nod her head tearfully then spoke, "Lisa has an ear infection, that's why she was crying that she hurt last night. That man didn't want to hurt our girls he just wanted to get them to help, he brought them straight here where he knew even with the drugs in his system that they'd be safe." Joan cried at her husband, "How bad did you hurt him?" Joan asked with accusation on her face and in her eyes.

"I, I didn't, I didn't hurt him, by the time the elevator got to the top floor I realized what a mistake I was making. Do you know he's the same guy who's been on the TV all day long, the one that pulled those kids out of a window while their father was shooting up the place? He's also the one that saved all the cops that got shot." Doug stopped talking and his own eyes started to fill with tears.

"When, when I realized who he was, I knew he hadn't hurt the girls, he just kept telling me he needed to be taken back to the emergency department so some guy could help him remember where he left them. He honestly couldn't remember anything that he did. He kept telling me he deserved to have me beat the crap out of him."

Doug remained on his knees and let the silence linger as he watched his oldest daughter peek around her mother's chair but remained in its safety.

"Are you going to be all right?" Doug finally asked of his wife.

"The Doctor said I'm having some minor complications from the concussion, he's giving me some medications that are all ready helping but he wants me to stay in the hospital till tomorrow."

"Will the children be allowed to stay here?"

"My mother is on the way to get them."

"That's good," Doug responded knowing his children would be taken care of and his mother-in-law would have that much more ammunition to tell his wife what a rotten SOB he was. Not to mention just another opportunity for her to try and convince his wife to take his children and leave him.

"They're going to be taking me to Jail, I'm sure I'll be able to get out on bail sometime later today, I want you to just take care of yourself and the children, I'll call Brad to come help me out with the police." Doug grimaced and turned away but then forced himself to look back at his wife. "I'm thinking some time in a jail cell just might be good for me right now, give me some time to think about a few things."

The silence lingered a little longer then Doug looked at his wife and his hiding daughter once more, "I guess I better let them take me out of here so you can finish your conversation with Lisa."

Doug then gave a nod to the police officers behind him and they helped him back to his feet and led him from the room. As he walked by the window again he looked in to see his daughter trying to comfort his crying wife.

Doug was led to a bench in a secluded section of the hospital and left to sit. He had already told the police officers that he wanted to have a lawyer present during questioning so they refrained from asking him questions. In the silence Doug thought and remembered. He remembered all that he said in the elevator and then how he cowered behind this man he claimed wasn't a 'real man'.

Most of all he remembered what his neighbor Charlie Dwyer had said to the man who had protected him. They were sure he was thinking of jumping off the roof Doug could tell. Was it because of the things he had said to him that he was thinking of taking his own life?

What about what Charlie said, was he really that loud, did he really yell that often?

Doug's thoughts were interrupted by the shadow of a tall man that blocked the light. When he looked up he saw the doctor he had asked to talk to standing over him looking down, what startled Doug was that his face was blank off all expression. He had no clue what he was thinking.

"I was told that you asked to talk to me." Dr. Winslow began when Doug had been unable to speak.

Doug looked at the two police officers next to him and wanted to ask them to give them some privacy but then he reasoned within himself that nothing he was about to say would be anything that he could be arrested for so he just spoke.

"I a, I, I think something I said to that man in the elevator may have caused him to think about jumping, and, well I felt I should tell you."

"What was it you said, did you tell him he should jump off a building?"

"Well, no, not, not really, I did call him a, a, a sniveling basket case and told him that I couldn't think of anything that would cause a, well a, well, I sort of said he wasn't a real man, then I said something about how he should have pushed that other guy, the one that was shooting up his neighbor's apartment yesterday, I said he should have shoved him over the balcony railing because he didn't deserve to die quick and painless like he did after hurting those kids.

"He kept telling me he deserved to have me kill him for what he did to my girl's and that he was sorry but that he couldn't remember anything, I really believed him, about the not remembering part. I figure anyone who put his life on the line to save those other kids would never intentionally hurt mine so I was going to let him go back so whatever doctor they were bringing in could help him remember what he did with my kids."

"And what do you expect me to do with this information," the man spoke eyeing him suspiciously.

"I, a, I don't really know actually, I just thought you should know, that maybe it would help you help him maybe or something like that."

"Thank you, it just may help me understand his mind set at the time." Dr. Winslow then stood still and silent, he could tell the man had more to say but he chose to put the conversation in his control.

The silence lasted for a nearly eternal minute then Dr. Winslow spoke again. "Is there anything else?"

"Well no, not really, but could I ask a question?"

"You may, but I will have to wait to hear what your question is before I know if I can answer it."

Doug was again caught off guard; this man looking down at him was like no man he had ever met before. But he did have a question and he was sure the man could answer it, in fact he was sure what the answer was but if he asked then he could get the information he wanted before he changed his mind again.

"Is, Is it possible that someone like you, could, could make me a, to be a better person, or even a better father?" There was a moment of silence where Doug Kingston felt as if the man looking at him was seeing every cell in his body and reading every thought in his head.

"I mean I know you can't do it, that, that would be like a, a, conflict of interest thing since you're taking care of Mr. Gage, but would you know anybody that, maybe, could help me?"

"Well Mr. Kingston," Doug was shocked that he knew his name. "There are a great many in my profession who can advise you and even help you to understand why you constantly yell at your defenseless children the way you do, but making you a better father, no. The only person who can do that is you. Those like me, can offer instruction, directions, advice and even coach you in changing your behavior, but we cannot 'make' you do anything.

"However if you have any question as to whether or not your behavior toward your children should be changed perhaps you should spend some time reading up on the deep and lasting damage that is done with verbal and emotional abuse, the kind you are currently heaping upon your young and impressionable, defenseless little girls. Since you should be given some time to reflect I just so happen to have a copy of the latest research done on that subject, I'll hand it to the police who will be transporting you to the police station and I trust they will allow you to read it while you're waiting to see the judge, after the courts open for business of course."

From the inside breast pocket of his suit coat Dr. Winslow pulled a stack of papers stapled at the corner and folded in half lengthwise. Before he handed the papers to the closest police officer he took a moment to write something on the back side of the paper. "This is a phone number for a referral agency, they can help you find someone like me who will accept your health insurance and is close to where you live. Should you 'choose' to seek assistance in making some changes."

The papers were then handed to the police officer and everyone remained silent for a moment before Dr. Winslow spoke again. "Is there anything else you would like to talk about at the moment?"

Doug Kingston swallowed hard before shaking his head and responding, "Yes sir, would you please tell Mr. Gage for me that when it comes to being a real man, He is one, I'm the wannabe."

"I'll do that." Dr. Winslow responded and with that he turned and walked away, he had a lot of research to do on his patient.

-0-

It was the gentle tugging of something attached to his forearm that aroused Johnny's awareness, it was a bodily urge that brought his eyes open.

Looking around Johnny noticed first that the light was dim but not artificial. It looked as if the light was coming through drawn blinds in the late morning or early afternoon. Standing by the door was a very large and muscular orderly dressed in white. He stood there watching with his arms folded across his chest but as Johnny began to move his arms dropped to his side as he took two steps closer to the bed where Johnny lay. The movement on his arm drew his attention again to the IV tubing taped to his arm which he followed to the friendly looking nurse hanging a new bottle of IV fluid along with two smaller bags that Johnny knew contained other medications.

Johnny then felt confused as he blinked the sleep from his mind he tried to remember why he was at Rampart this time. He took inventory of his body and noticed a few minor aches, nothing more than a bruise here and there, surely nothing to justify a stay at Rampart, the one and only part of his body that didn't hurt in the least was his head. No chance of a concussion this time.

"Good morning Mr. Gage," a cheerful voice broke his thoughts, "I'm glad to see that you're awake, Dr. Winslow asked us to get some fresh blood samples as soon as you woke up. It will take me just a moment and then we'll get you something to eat."

Johnny watched the nurse move and was just about ready to ask why he was in the hospital when he saw a man looking through the reinforced window wearing a police officer's hat. His memory was fuzzy and incomplete but he did remember that he was under arrest; he had kidnapped two little girls, kidnapped them and lost them somewhere.

"You're going to feel a little stick, hold still now," the nurse spoke as she inserted the needle and started to fill the needed test tubes.

"Did they find the little girls, are they all right?" Johnny asked moving his arm just a little. The nurse moved fast to hold his arm still and the orderly moved to offer his assistance. When all was finished and they had the test tubes required the nurse pulled the needle and applied pressure.

"Yes Mr. Gage the children were found right here at Rampart and they are safe and sound."

She noticed that Johnny's breathing was faster than it should be, "I need you to slow your breathing down Mr. Gage, relax, everything is going to be alright."

That's when the muscle bound orderly took over holding pressure on the blood draw sight. Johnny froze and held very still, noticing that the side rails on the bed were up and covered with thick mattress type pads.

Once the test tubes were properly labeled Johnny was requested to give them another sample and the orderly helped him to the bathroom in the corner so he could comply.

With all the samples in hand the nurse knocked on the door and it was opened from the outside. Once the nurse stepped through a food tray was handed back to the Orderly who set it down on the table before stepping out of the room. As the door was closed John could clearly hear the sound of the lock being turned.

John knew he was a caged and he also knew he was where he belonged. On the food tray was a paper plate and several sandwiches, two individual serving sized cartons of milk and two cookies, no silverware and nothing that could be broken and used to cut. Even the facilities in the bathroom were metal no glass or porcelain.

Sitting on the bed John quickly ate and with each bit his appetite seemed to improve. When he was done Johnny sat on the edge of the bed with his bare feet on the floor and when he noticed that his hands were starting to tremble he pulled the pillow from the bed and held it close to his chest. With his chin resting on the edge of the pillow Johnny tried to remember how he got into this mess. Memories of the last few days seemed to come in bits and pieces but not in any chronological order. Some of the things he remembered contradicted other things he seemed to remember and Johnny grew more confused.

-0-

Dr. Winslow arrived at the nurse's station outside Johnny's room in response to his page. Waiting there for him were five worried firefighters.

"Pardon me are you here to see Mr. Gage?"

"Yes," Captain Stanley stepped forward as the leader, "You told us to check in after noon."

Dr. Winslow looked at the clock on the wall to see that it was now just five to one and he had been told that these men had been waiting for over half an hour so far.

"I should have explained better, I meant for you to call not to come in."

Five men stood there wondering what to do next, to which Dr. Winslow gave them a slight hint of a smile.

"I was just informed that Mr. Gage just woke up a short while ago. It is very important that I spend some time with him right now. I think Mr. Gage should be ready for some visitors in about an hour and a half. Would it be acceptable for you to go have something to eat and then return at that time?"

Everyone nod their head but Captain Stanley spoke up, "We can do that."

"I've been told that one of you men holds a power of attorney and is listed as next of Kin to Mr. Gage."

"Yes sir," Roy took a step forward and waved one hand.

"Have you by any chance contacted a lawyer?"

"Yes sir, I talked with one first thing this morning, He asked if a form MH 302 or a form fifty-one fifty have been filed."

"Contact him right away and tell him yes, as well as forms fifty-one-fifty-one and a fifty two hundred. You better write all that down." Dr. Winslow reached in to his pocket and pulled out a business card. "Have him give me a call I should be able to talk with him as soon as I've finished this session with Mr. Gage."

"Thank you doctor," Captain Stanley took control again. "We'll see you in an hour and a half."

"I've also been told that our Mr. Gage is not particularly fond of hospital food, and that on numerous occasions previous to this, you men have been known to slip him some outside food."

"Yes sir," Roy again spoke up since he was the person who did it the most. "With Doctor's approval I might add."

"Well this doctor also approves. However don't get carried away, he's not allowed to have food in his room after you leave."

"Is there any particular type of food you would recommend," Captain Stanley gave the doctor a smile.

"Comfort food, whatever Mr. Gage considers comfort food." The doctor answered then turned his attention to the lab reports he had just been handed.


	15. Sorting Out The Pieces

**Sorting out the Pieces **

Johnny was still clutching his pillow to the point of mangling it when he next heard the door being unlocked.

Johnny looked up as the door was opened. Standing in the open doorway was a man he didn't really remember but thought he'd seen before. To Johnny's surprise he didn't hurry into the room so that the door could be closed and locked behind him. He just stood there allowing the police officer behind him to hold the door open for him. In his hands was a new pillow, noticeably fluffier and a lot thicker than the one John was currently clutching and a manila file folder. John wondered if they didn't use the metal file holders in this section of the hospital for the same reason his food had been served on a paper plate.

"Hello, Mr. Gage, I don't know if you remember me from early this morning or not but I'm Dr. Jacob Winslow. May I please come in?"

The request surprised Johnny. He was even more surprised when the man remained in the doorway waiting for his response.

"A, yeah, sure," John answered showing all of his insecurities at the moment.

At that point Dr. Winslow stepped into the room and dismissed the strong orderly who had remained in the room before he turned and stretched his hand holding the pillow out towards Johnny. "I have been watching you through the monitors, it appears to me that you've found yourself something to help you remain calm, but it looks like you could use a replacement."

John looked at the pillow he was being offered; he could now see that it was two pillows stuffed into one pillow case. He then looked down at the mangled one in his hands and immediately felt embarrassed. It showed in his face.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Mr. Gage, this is a good thing that you're doing, not a bad one."

Johnny looked up and chewed his lip for a second then hesitantly reached out and accepted the new pillow. Setting the mangled pillow back at the head of the bed he wrapped his arms around the new pillow and felt a little calmer.

"Is that better?" Dr. Winslow asked. Johnny gave a nod of his head. "How are you feeling now that you're awake?"

Johnny looked at his doctor and turned his attention inward for a moment before shrugging his shoulders.

"I'm not sure to be honest with you." Johnny paused then looked Dr. Winslow in the eyes. "Can, a, could I ask you some questions?"

"Absolutely, you can ask anything you want, and I promise if I don't know the answer we'll be able to work together to find it." Dr. Winslow seemed pleased so far. "May I sit on the bed next to you?" Extra furniture could be used as a weapon or to attempt to break out a window or door so none was provided in the lock up units. Dr. Winslow could have had a chair brought in for the duration of his visit and he would if John objected to him sitting on the bed but he wanted to keep this visit friendly and as easy going as possible.

Johnny sighed slightly feeling some hope that he would sort out the confusing thoughts and memories in his head. "Sure, please do."

Dr. Winslow sat on the foot of the bed and took up a comfortable position facing Johnny, "how would you like me to address you, do you prefer Mr. Gage, John or—"

"Johnny, please just call me Johnny."

"Okay, Johnny it is then. Now what are your questions?"

Johnny thought hard for a moment and the more nervous he got the tighter he held on to the pillow in his arms. "I'm not really sure. I guess it's just that I'm trying to remember what happened, why I'm here and I think I remember something and then I think I remember something else and there's no way they can both be right."

"Under the circumstances, Johnny, that is totally understandable; in fact I was expecting it. What do you say we start by talking about those memories and establish what really happened, at least to the best of our combined ability and then we'll go from there?"

"Okay. My biggest concern is the children I supposedly kidnapped. I mean, I guess I really did it, I don't remember, but I do remember someone saying that they saw me do it. Any…anyway, I remember someone saying that they were just fine and someone else saying one of the girls face was all bruised up. They can't both be right. Which is it? Did I do it, put the bruise on her face?"

"No, you did not. Let's back up just a little bit." Dr. Winslow spoke calmly, "Let's start with when you were brought into the emergency department yesterday morning, shall we. I don't want to go into any detail right now but I suspect that was possibly your clearest most recent memory. Do you remember Doctor's Early and Brackett giving you a sedative to help you calm down?"

"Yeah, I, I was a real mess, I couldn't even close my eyes without seeing," Johnny began to panic again as he breathing became rapid and his hands began to clench the pillow tighter.

"Johnny let's not go there right now okay. All I want you to remember right now is that you were given a sedative. Do you remember that?"

"Yeah," Johnny answered, his voice trembling like the rest of him.

"All right, do you remember waking up some time later and being told you were going home with your friend Charles Dwyer?"

Johnny stopped to think and even though this memory was distant he did remember and being as this memory was safe and peaceful, Johnny began to calm down as well. "Yeah, something about the hospital sounds keeping me from really resting."

"That's right; do you remember arriving at your friend's apartment?"

"Sort of, I don't remember the ride but I remember him shaking my shoulder and telling me we were there and walking with me from the car to his living room. I, I, um, remember the phone ringing and, well I knew it was just in my head but I was back, back in my neighbor's apartment sitting in the corner of the room and," Johnny's breathing increased again as he told of his flashback. "And I knew it wasn't really happening again but I could actually feel the wall behind me shake when the bullets entered around me; he was shooting close to me but hitting the wall to make me stay in the corner."

"Let's get back to your friend's apartment. Did you feel safe there?"

"Yeah, it, the memories were just so real that I, I couldn't answer the phone for him. He had to hurry in and do it himself."

"Okay let's not worry about those memories just yet; we'll get to them another time. Do you remember what happened after you arrived at Charlie's place?"

"Um, he a, he found my favorite pajamas and gave me my pills. While they were taking affect he hung my dream catcher over the bed and then sat next to me to talk to me till I fell asleep. Then he started to cry. I can't remember why but he was crying and I was too sleepy to do anything for him. All I could do was put my arms around him and let him cry. But I fell asleep before, before I found out why he was crying. I couldn't help him because I was too drugged and fell asleep."

"Let's stop there for just a moment shall we," Dr. Winslow held up his hand, "You said you were able to put your arms around him, don't you think that brought him some comfort?"

"I don't know, I don't know, I fell asleep," Johnny was growing frustrated again but not panicked.

"Do you think just holding him might have helped even a little?"

"I don't know, maybe, a little, but it would have been better if I could have talked to him," Johnny proclaimed, still down on himself.

"You might be right but let's move on and we'll deal with that in more depth later."

"Are we going to talk about everything later, what are we going to talk about now?" Johnny questioned.

"Right now I want to establish a time line," Dr. Winslow tried to help Johnny understand what needed to be done first. "I'm trying to answer your questions about the children but we need to lay some foundation first. We need to set up a time line and understand the conditions surrounding what happened. Can you stick with me for just a few minutes? I'm sure you'll understand much better if you will do this."

John was panting anxiously but he was still listening. "Is this going to help me pull myself together?"

"Yes, Johnny, it will help. Once we lay out a time line we'll be able to weed out what is true from what is false and put everything in its place. If you will just stick with me I assure you, you will understand when we're done."

Johnny looked on, his eyes pleading but his head was giving a slight nod that Dr. Winslow took for a sign to move ahead.

"All right now, do you remember waking up and finding a woman friend of Mr. Dwyer's watching over you?"

"Marley, I mean Marlene. Yeah I remember; she made some soup for me, some clam chowder. I think her last name started with a J, Johnson or Johansson something like that."

"Do you remember what happened after you ate the clam chowder?"

John continued to hold tight to his pillow but looked at the floor as he tried to steer his thoughts back through the foggy mist of time. "We sat and talked for a while. She wanted to know more about what happened at the apartment the night before but I wasn't ready to talk about it. She seemed to understand so she gave me my pills and then sat next to me rubbing my back till I fell asleep."

"Do you remember anything between then and when you woke up in the emergency room?"

Johnny chewed his lip and shook his head. "Dr. Early was slapping my face and asking me where I left two little girls."

John started to sob and swallow hard to keep himself under control. "I swear, I'm not trying to get out of going to jail, I really don't remember doing what they said I did."

Dr. Winslow reached out and placed a hand oh John's shoulder. "I know you don't remember and I'm about to explain why. Are you ready?"

With hope in his eyes once more, Johnny swallowed hard and eagerly nodded his head. His whole attention was on the doctor sitting at the foot of his bed.

"The first important piece of information you need to know is that Miss Johnson didn't give you the pills that were prescribed for you by Dr. Early. She gave you two of her pills because she believed they would work better for you. It was a drug that has a long history of complications, one of which is the high rate of sleepwalking associated with its usage. The next piece of this story is that you were aroused but not awaken by either the cries of two children or the yelling of their father, possibly both, coming from the apartment next to where you were sleeping.

"What we know from witness testimony is that you walked out of Mr. Dwyer's apartment and over to knock on the door belonging to Mr. Kingston. When the door was opened you pushed it and Mr. Kingston out of your way, carefully scooped the two girls into your arms and ran. Judging by the time the call came into the police and the time that was logged in pediatrics when you handed both girls to a nurse and asked her to take care of them while you went back to get their mother, you must have ran a whole lot faster than the standard speed that is required to be a fireman.

"Judging by the fact that you came directly to the hospital here with the children, we are one hundred percent sure that in your mind you were rescuing those children." Dr. Winslow paused for dramatic effect and reached the thumb of his hand that was still resting on John's shoulder over and used it to lift John's chin so that he was looking him in the eyes.

"There is no way of knowing what was going through your mind at the time. You may have been dreaming about fighting a fire, you may have been suffering from a dissociative flashback caused by a combination of the medication you had been given and the incidence at your apartment earlier or something entirely different. Since you have no memory of the incident, we may never know. What we do know with almost complete certainty, is that you were totally unaware of your actions, probably in a mode of sleepwalking resulting from the medication that was substituted for what had been prescribed by your doctor.

"When the door was opened to you, you were able to see a little girl crying that she hurt, and she had a bruise on her face. That bruise was the result of an automobile accident four days ago. Someone backed into the car she was in and during the collision a coffee can rolled out of the shopping bag and hit her in the face. You wouldn't have known how it happened but that may or may not have influenced your actions. But regardless of what you might have been thinking at the time, you did not harm those children, you did in some subconscious way see to their safety."

The thumb pulled away from Johnny's chin but the hand remained on his shoulder as Johnny was allowed to think about what had been said.

"So they arrested me when I went back to the apartment to get their mother?" Johnny was ready to move forward with the time line.

"NO." You were found four and a half miles away. The best two guesses so far are that either you got lost, or you were thinking about the woman who lived next door to you. The woman whose rescue you were given the sedatives to help you deal with in the first place."

Johnny looked at the floor in thought a moment longer then looked back at his doctor, "I don't remember any of that."

"I'm not surprised, there are plenty of completely legitimate medical factors to explain your amnesia, but the true explanation and the biggest paradox here is that you were literally running a ten k race while you were technically unconscious."

"I kind of understand that; we deal with it at work all the time. So you're saying this is kind of a public intoxication-like thing, only with drugs instead of alcohol?" Johnny wanted to make sure he understood, but he knew it wouldn't change the fact that he had done something seriously wrong and had been arrested for it.

"There are other contributing factors but, yes, the main explanation for your actions is the drugs in your system. One thing you need to realize is that you weren't just popping pills to have a good time; you were under a doctor's care and you took the medication that Miss Johnson offered you because you trusted that they were what had been prescribed for you."

There was more silence and Johnny was able to let go of his pillow to rub his face a few times as he and the doctor discussed the cause and results of his dehydration and electrolyte imbalance that was being treated with the IV as well as a slight anemia and low platelet count. John was assured that his IV should be removed in an hour or so bringing about the next question. "So what's going to happen to me then?" His arms once more pulled the pillows close to his chest. "Will I be taken to the police station when the IV is removed?"


	16. A Question of Danger

**A Question of Danger**

"So what's going to happen to me then?" his arms once more pulled the pillows close to his chest. "Will I be taken to the police station when the IV is removed?" Johnny did feel a little less confused but mostly he understood why he felt so tired. He only thought he had been sleeping for the better part of the last twenty four hours.

"No, you won't be going to the police station any time soon." Dr. Winslow adjusted his position on the foot of John's bed so that he more directly faced his patient and then placed his file folder on the bed at his side.

"Johnny, you've been officially and formally declared to be of Diminished Mental Capacity and for the time being are required to remain in our care."

Johnny's eyes opened wide and he took in two quick deep breaths, he then shifted his eyes around the room in thought. Diminished Capacity was a term he knew well. As a fireman and a Paramedic he had been required to begin those proceedings many times, but always on other people. To be confined against his will meant he had been considered dangerous, a believed danger to himself or others. To be officially and formally declared so meant things had gone far beyond just being considered so.

"I guess someone who grabs children from their parents and runs away with them should be considered a danger to others," Johnny commented. His eyes were focused on a spot on the floor left behind after the last cleaning.

Dr. Winslow remained silent for a moment, watching Johnny's actions and facial features carefully. Then he reached down and locked the fingers of both hands around his knee and pulled his foot a few inches off the ground.

"I think we've well established by now that you meant no harm to those children, their removal from their home was due to confusion on your part as an effect of the drug you had been given, which is, as of your last blood tests, now completely out of your system. There was however an incident that took place on the roof of the hospital early this morning that we need to discuss in depth."

John slowly turned a puzzled and questioning look to the doctor sitting on his bed.

Dr. Winslow remained silent and let John make the next move. He knew that as a paramedic John would be well aware that the hold for diminished capacity would only last for 72 hours and he also knew if this young man wanted to, he could say all the right things to keep them from holding him any longer. He needed to know the truth, what John had been thinking when he looked over the edge of the roof. Just what was the danger he was working with here?"

John's eyes moved about the room seeing nothing and Dr. Winslow knew he was thinking, trying to remember. That was good, he would get an unrehearsed first reaction when the memory was reached.

Then it happened; John's eyes flew open wide. "Oh my g…" The color left John's face and his hands fell limp on his thighs but the pillows had been molded to his body enough that they stayed against his chest.

Dr. Winslow moved fast and took hold of both of John's shoulders gently helping him to lie back on his bed. He then lifted his legs taking hold of his knees and pulling them up placing his feet flat on the bed. "Slow your breathing down," Dr. Winslow instructed as he patted at John's raised knees. "Easy now, we're going to talk about this but right now you're safe. You are completely safe here."

The lock in the door was worked and soon the door opened with the orderly rushing into the room in response to what had been seen on the monitor.

Dr. Winslow waved him off when he was just steps inside the door. "I've got everything under control." The orderly slowly turned to leave; "Hey," Dr. Winslow stopped the orderly from stepping any further toward the door. "Get him a new pillow," He then removed the mangled one from behind Johnny's head and tossed it to the orderly who smiled and left the room. The police guard pulled the door shut and locked it behind him.

Dr. Winslow continued to talk to John and just about the time Johnny was getting his color back the door opened again and the orderly simply leaned in. "Hey, Doc, think fast," and a pillow came flying at him.

Dr. Winslow wasn't able to catch the pillow but it landed on the bed below Johnny's feet. In a matter of minutes the new pillow was placed beneath Johnny's head, the head of the bed was raised slightly and Dr. Winslow sat back down on the edge of the bed by Johnny's hip.

"Tell me about it."

"My life is over." John started to tremble all over as he fought with everything in him not to cry. "They'll never let me go back to being a paramedic now, not after what I did."

Dr. Winslow picked up one of John's hands and pulled it over the top of the pillow that was still against his chest. He was not surprised when John followed suit with his other arm and pulled the pillow tighter to him.

"Johnny, can you listen to me a minute?" Dr. Winslow moved his hand to the side of Johnny's face and gently pulled it towards him. "Are you listening to me?"

John swallowed hard and took a breath intent on bringing himself under control before giving the doctor a nod of his head. "Okay, now I want you to remember what we've been talking about. Remember I explained to you what happened and our best guesses as to why? Remember that I told you that we know for certain, no doubt in the mind of anyone involved in this investigation, that you were acting under the influence of the medication you were given and you cannot be held accountable for your actions at the time. The fire department is not going to let you go because of something that was out of your control."

"I don't understand." Johnny's voice trembled with his unshed tears. "If I'm not accountable because of the drugs and now the drugs are all out of my system, then why am I still here? Why am I in this locked room that's stripped of anything I could possibly use to hurt someone with and why is there a police officer still standing outside my locked door?"

"Do you remember that I told you that you had been declared of Diminished Mental Capacity? Now being a paramedic I'm sure you understand what reasoning is used when a person is given that declaration."

"It's when a person is considered a danger to himself or others," Johnny answered the doctor's question.

The doctor nodded his head in agreement then pulled his hand away from Johnny's face. "We have determined that you are, at least, that you are no longer a danger to others. Now that has just been determined within the last hour with your most recent blood work but there is still more we need to determine.

"You just admitted to me that you thought your life was over, that you believed that you are about to lose a career that you are very passionate about. Tell me what happened on the roof this morning. What were you thinking?"

John locked eyes with his doctor and held his breath but it didn't stop the tears from coming; he tried with everything he had to not let them fall. He sniffled once before reluctantly nodding his head.

"I was going to jump," John admitted through his tears. "The only reason I stopped was because I remembered the little girls' father saying something about not deserving to die so quick and painlessly and I knew it would all be over the second I hit the ground."

Dr. Winslow simply reached across John and started rubbing his shoulder and upper arm as he allowed him to continue to cry and let his emotions out.

"Everything I was thinking is so stupid," John sobbed out as the doctor listened and continued to rub his arm. "Man I know better, how could I have thought those things? It's just so stupid."

"Johnny," Dr. Winslow started talking once Johnny had been quiet for a moment. "I don't want you to think that I disagree with your last statement, but I need to know what you were thinking. What was it that you were thinking then, that you now think you should have known better?"

John didn't answer for a moment and Dr. Winslow could tell by the way he'd start to talk and then stop, that he was having a hard time putting words together so he tried to help.

"We believe that you led Mr. Kingston to the roof because you were trying to protect him. Is that why you were standing in front of him with your arms spread out?"

Johnny's chin was still trembling but he managed to nod his head. "I didn't want him to get shot like the other guy the other morning at my apartment building." John gave his pillows another squeeze with one arm as he lifted the other hand to his forehead, "Man, I should have known better about that too. I've dealt with the police for years; they never would have shot an unarmed man."

"When the police agreed to put their guns away you allowed Mr. Kingston to step from behind you and walk to the police. Then what happened?"

"Um, Roy yelled at me."

"What happened before Roy yelled at you?" Dr. Winslow directed and pushed.

Again Johnny fought back against his tears. "I knew my life was over; I knew I'd disgraced myself, not to mention my friends and the entire fire department. I didn't deserve to live after what I'd done." John nearly whispered the last part but Dr. Winslow caught the Freudian phrasing in the word 'didn't', past tense.

Dr. Winslow was about to offer another push when John started to talk again. "How could I have even considered jumping in front of Roy, or the other guys? It's not fair to make them watch something like that." Dr. Winslow took notice that John had questioned his timing but not the ending of his life.

"How did you feel when your friend started talking to you? How did you feel once he told you that you hadn't kidnapped the children, that you'd rescued them?" When Johnny hadn't yet started to talk again the doctor continued his questions. "How did you feel when your friend told you what he believed had happened, when he told you what he's been hearing through his walls for some time now?"

"I, I, I thought he was, well I thought he was just doing his job, trying to talk me away from the edge or at least distract me so the others could sneak up on me. I know the drill; I've worked all the angles myself more times than I want to think about." The pillows against John's chest were getting quite a working over now as John started to kneed them and grab sections in his fists and give them a twisting, tearing motion as he talked.

"At one point I…" John huffed and almost laughed. "I was actually thinking that the guys must still like me if they were trying to stop me. That's a laugh. I was so stupid to think that. Hell they'd have tried to stop me no matter what they thought of me. I've done the same thing myself more times than I can count for people I'd never met until I was called to try and pull them off a roof somewhere and try to talk them into giving life another chance."

"Am I right to assume that you knew someone was trying to sneak up behind you?"

John sniffled then licked his lips before starting to chew on his lower lip. Finally he turned to the doctor. "I noticed Roy and Cap weren't with the rest of the guys. I figured they must be trying to get behind me and I knew they hadn't had time to get safety lines around them and if I fought them there was a chance of one of them going over the edge. I couldn't take a chance of that happening to either one of them; I didn't want them to get hurt. I couldn't have that added to all the things I was going to have to answer to when I met my maker." John was quiet for a moment and took on a distant stare, "I saw Brackett standing with the guys and knew as soon as they grabbed me he'd give me a shot of something to knock me out, I figured that was as good as anything for the moment. At least until the drugs wore off I wouldn't have to think about anything." There was a moment of silence as John looked to the ceiling and gained a look of resolve.

"I guess I'm going to be behind locked doors for a while. I'm surprised I didn't wake up in full restraints." John closed his eyes with a look of total shame.

Dr. Winslow knew this young man needed to be reminded of something else. "Full restraints were an option that had to be considered, but there was something that happened on the roof that caused me to consider something else. Do you remember what happened after your friends got a hold of you, after you were pulled a safe distance away from the edge and were down on the roof in on huge pile of firemen? Do you remember what happened then?

John sniffed back the congestion in his sinuses caused by his crying, he even reached up with both hands to wipe the tears from the side of his face, after a couple of sighs he turned to the doctor briefly then looked away. "I was expecting to get stuck with a needle somewhere, but I never felt it."

"What did your friends do instead?" Dr. Winslow didn't use the word friends by accident.

"They just held onto me." John was genuinely confused by the doctor's question.

"How did they hold on to you?"

Johnny thought again as his face began to show a sense of embarrassment. "Cap, it was Cap who pulled me close to him. He, ah, he cradled me in his arms, he held me and rocked with me just like I was a little baby."

"What about the rest of your friends?" Dr. Winslow persisted to make his point.

"I don't know, some of them rubbed my back, put a hand on my head or somewhere else."

"Is that something you've done when you've grabbed someone out of a jumping situation, all those times you can't even count?" Dr. Winslow asked.

The confusion in Johnny's face grew as he turned to look at the doctor. "No, not usually, not ever really; we just restrain them however we have to and, well we get 'em to the hospital and let the doctors do the rest."

"So why do you think your friends acted the way they did?"

There was silence as an understanding registered in Johnny's mind. "Because it was me,"

"You said their efforts to try and stop you didn't mean anything because they'd do that for anybody. What about the way they gathered around you after you were secured? Doesn't their behavior toward you show that they still like you?" Dr. Winslow waited for a moment to let his words sink in not really expecting an answer and wanting to point out something more.

"What did you do when they were holding you?"

"I, I ah…I cried on Cap's shoulder like a little baby, that's what I did. Just like a freakin little baby."

"Are you aware that you also reached your arm around the person holding you and pulled him tight?"

"I guess I did," John answered after a moment of thought. "Like I said, just like a helpless little baby."

"Johnny, I want you to think back for a moment, do you remember when we talked about you arriving at your friend's apartment, your friend Charles Dwyer."

"What about that has anything to do with what we were just talking about?"

"Remember when you said he was talking to you while you were falling asleep and he started to cry? Do you remember telling me that you wrapped your arms around him and held him in your arms?"

"Yeah, then I fell asleep, some friend I am."

"Did you feel Mr. Dwyer was being a baby when you wrapped your arms around him?"

"NO," John spoke quickly in defense of his friend. "He was the first one into my apartment during the shoot out. Bullets were flying in the hallway and cops shooting back. He was there when two of the cops got shot up, he was the one who helped the boys across the balcony railing before one of the cops pushed him inside. I'm sure he was the one who ended up taking care of the cop I left on the balcony after that guy forced me into the other apartment at gun point. It was hell in there; he needed someone to help him let it all out."

"Didn't you go through all that he had and more?"

"Yeah," John admitted humbly.

"Didn't you need some help to let it all out too?"

John made no response but he was clearly thinking about the question.

"How did it feel to be held by your friends?"

John's tears started to flow once again, this time he didn't fight them. "I didn't want them to let go."

Since that was a thought he wanted to linger in John's mind, Dr. Winslow just let John cry and once again reached out and rubbed his shoulder.


	17. The Power of Brotherhood

**The Power of Brotherhood**

John cried for a good fifteen minutes before he started to calm down. Dr. Winslow was tempted to hold him in his arms but that move was far too familiar to come from someone in his position and responsibility. When it looked like John might be starting to cry himself to sleep Dr. Winslow moved on.

"John, I know this has been a very intense and heavy therapy session but there are a couple more issues that are very important that we deal with now. Can you hang in there with me for just a few more minutes?"

Johnny sobbed and sniffed then managed to free one hand from his pillow to wipe his eyes with the back of his fist before he managed to give a nod of his head. "I'll try," John spoke softly.

"Okay, now I want you to hang on to those thoughts and feelings we were just talking about. Everything is going to get worked out, and as long as you're willing to be open and honest with me like you have been so far, we should be able to get it worked out rather quickly but I need to warn you that it could get kind of rough for a few days."

John turned to his doctor with a look of consuming fear in his eyes and Dr. Winslow knew he had his attention.

"Often when people have had experiences similar to yours, they have moments when those memories come back in mixed up pieces. This is most likely to happen when you're tired, especially during those moments when you're falling asleep or just waking up. They tend to come back most vividly in dreams while you're sleeping."

"I'm not sure what you mean by mixed up pieces," John interrupted.

"Then I'm glad you're asking." Dr Winslow offered a calming hand on top of one of John's hands that was clutching his pillow tightly. "In your case I believe there was a time when you were covered with a large quantity of blood. You may remember that at the same time you remember being angry with someone or afraid of someone and it is likely for you to start to believe that the blood your seeing is from you hurting that person.

"This can spiral into feeling guilty for causing that person harm and then lead to feelings similar to what you were feeling when you looked over the edge of the roof. Does that help you understand a little better?"

John thought for a second then took a breath and, while chewing on his lip, nod his head. "Think so."

"All right, when those times happen I want you to focus on this one thought, that through all of these trials you've endured, you have never harmed another person. Can you do that for me?"

"I didn't?" John questioned, confirming the Doctor's suspicions when he walked in the room.

"No, John, you have only helped and worked to save everyone you've come in contact with. At the risk of your own life more than once I've been told.

"That doesn't mean that there weren't moments when you were angry or afraid for your life, when you thought about or even wanted to harm another person. Those feelings are perfectly normal. But I want you to remember what I just said, I want you to hold onto that thought the same way your friends held onto you; the way you held on to them. You never did anything to cause harm to another person. Can you do that for me?"

John turned pleading eyes to his doctor that betrayed his disbelief in what he was being told. "I, I don't. . . I can try." John finally turned a positive thought.

Dr. Winslow slipped his hand between John's hand and his pillow and managed to clasp his hand and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, John squoose back.

"I want you to say it with me. I, John Gage, have harmed no one."

The words were a struggle for John at that moment but he clenched his teeth with determination. "I, I, John Gage, did not hurt anyone."

"That's close enough; now let's say it again, this time with conviction," Dr. Winslow coached and together they repeated John's version of the phrase. "I, John Gage, did not hurt anyone."

"Once more," Dr. Winslow requested and they said it together twice more before the Doctor felt the release of some of the tension in John's hand that he was holding."

"Alright, that's good." Dr. Winslow looked at his watch and noticed that it was past the time he had told John's friends they would be allowed to see him, but there was one more thing he needed to do.

"John, I know this has been a long and difficult session, but there's one more thing we need to do. It will only take a minute, and then I'll let you get some rest. Your friends are outside waiting to see you but before I let them come in we need to do one more little thing. Are you with me?"

"My fr…friends; they want to see me? Who?"

"I didn't get names but they're most of the ones who were on the roof with you last night." Dr. Winslow offered a smile. "Just one more thing that shows they care about you, but they also need to see you for themselves. Do you understand those feelings?"

John didn't respond but he looked his doctor in the eyes with a mixture of emotions in his so the doctor moved on.

"Just one more thing and then I'll let them in to visit for a while. I promise it won't take long." The Doctor paused while John looked away then waited for him to look back at him.

"John can you tell me something that makes you feel calm, something that makes you happy?"

John looked surprised by this request and had to take a breath before he could think on the answer. "Um, I like to look at the stars at night. I can't see them real well here in the city with all the other lights but I'll go to the mountains when I can to help me unwind. I like to just lie under the stars and watch them."

"That's good John, but is there anything that happens here in the city, something closer to home that makes you happy?" Dr. Winslow wasn't sure but he felt some warning signs in John's first choice.

"Well, there's Jenny," John answered with hesitation.

"Jenny, is she a girlfriend?"

John smiled warmly at that question and Dr. Winslow knew he was on the right track. "She thinks she is." John smirked just a little, "Jenny is my partner's five year old daughter. She's always happy to see me; most of the time I can't even get in the door before she throws herself at me and wraps her arms around my neck. She calls me her Uncle Johnny even though there's no relation. Sometimes I think she has me wrapped around her little finger."

"Alright, now I want you to listen to me for just a few more minutes and then I'll let your friends in to see you. I strongly suspect that what I told you about mixed up memories has already been happening, am I right?"

A couple of errant tears managed to slip down John's cheeks before he pulled his pillows tighter and nod his head to formally confirm the Doctor's statement.

"Alright, I want you to understand that it is perfectly understandable in cases like yours and we're going to work on that more in the future. But for right now when that happens I want you to remember what we said earlier, I want you to repeat to yourself however many times you need to, that you didn't hurt anyone. Say it out loud if you need to, scream it if it helps. Can you do that?"

John started with a nod of his head then spoke, "I think so."

"Good, then when you've managed to calm down a little I want you to think of Jenny. Remember how she looks when she sees you. Remember how you feel when she wraps her arms around your neck."

John gave his Doctor a questioning look.

"John, what you're going through right now is a sort of memory merry-go-round. Until we get everything sorted out, I want you to use the mantra that we've been working on to stop the merry-go-round, and then use your memories and feelings for Jenny to help you get off of that merry-go-round. Do you understand what I'm asking you to do?"

John was hesitant but nodded his head in a show of understanding.

"Okay," Dr. Winslow then turned to face the camera in the corner. "Go ahead and get his visitors ready to come in," the doctor instructed before turning back to John. "I see that your IV is finished; what do you say I take that out for you?"

John looked at his arm and then held it out for the doctor to start pulling the tape. In no time at all the IV was out and the doctor was heading for the door.

"After your visit we'll let you get a shower to help you relax a little then I'd like you to rest, even sleep, if you can. We'll talk more later." With that he gave a knock on the door and it was opened up allowing him to walk through.

-0-

In the hall way outside John's room, five men were in the process of emptying their pockets of everything, car keys, wallets, pens, loose change, even removable belt buckles and belts had to be removed. Each person was given their own container to place things in and they were informed that it would all be given back to them when they left. Roy understood the reasons why but the rest were confused. Still they did as they were told.

Dr. Winslow looked at the pile of food that the staff was going through and smiled. There were hamburgers, French fries and shakes, not just enough for John but enough for them all. The doctor listened as the orderly explained that when they left everything that wasn't eaten would have to be brought out with them.

"Is one of you John's captain?" Dr. Winslow asked with a smile.

"Yes," Captain Stanley was quick to step forward and raise his hand. "That would be me, Captain Hank Stanley."

"Would it be possible to speak with you for a while?"

"Of course, anything I can do to help John." Hank started toward the Doctor.

"It can wait till you're through visiting with John; I think he's looking forward to seeing you all."

"How is he, Doc? Is there anything we should be sure not to talk about while we're in there?"

Dr. Winslow again smiled and nodded his head, glad that someone thought to ask that. "We still have some things to work on, let him lead the conversations. Try not to tire him out too much, he really isn't well rested yet and that could still take a while. If the subject comes up, reaffirm that he didn't hurt anyone. Just let him know you're still his friends."

"That's easy enough," Chet commented in a sense of relief, as the police officer was searching him. "Hey, I need that to cut the pie," Chet asserted when the police officer removed his pocket knife.

It was a good thing that it was shift change for the police officers and at the moment there were three of them there to perform the required patting down.

"I'm sorry but we can't let you take this into the room," the police officer stood firm.

"But its pumpkin pie, that's Johnny's favorite," Chet protested.

"Well then, son," Dr. Winslow spoke up, "I guess you'll have to let the police officer cut it for you before you go in then."

"That works," Hank responded.

"But why does the cop have to cut it?" Chet questioned.

"To make sure you didn't bake a file in it," Roy tried to add a hint of humor to his enlightenment.

Dr. Winslow had already taken in that it was a pie bought from a well known restaurant, he also knew the men hadn't had time to go home and bake anything.

Chet's countenance shown with sudden understanding and he turned to the police officer. "Six pieces please, and I guess we better put the whipped topping on it before we go in too."

-0-

Roy was the first one allowed through the door; he carried a sack of hamburgers and a tray holding two milk shakes. The door was quickly pulled shut and locked behind him as the others were still being searched.

"How are you feeling?" Roy asked as he tried to manufacture a convincing smile. Johnny was sitting up in bed still clutching his pillow for dear life, his eyes blood shot and the area around them red and swollen. He looked worse than he had on the roof.

"Better," John answered unconvincingly. "I'm not exactly sure what that means right now, but better, I think."

"That's a start," Roy responded and then carefully, maybe a little too carefully moved over to sit on the side of the bed just as the door opened again to allow both Cap and Mike to enter. While the door was open Johnny could see the police officer patting Marco down as he stood with his arms out to make the job easier. John cringed at the sight and no one already in the room missed his expression.

Cap was carrying his shake and a hand full of paper napkins while Mike carried a bag of French fries in one hand and his shake in the other. Before Cap and Mike were settled the door opened again and Chet and Marco were admitted. Chet carried his already cut and whipped topping applied pie and Marco carried a still sealed container of Johnny's favorite fry sauce and more napkins. They all managed to produce a warm, worried smile for their friend before starting to unload the sacks and place the food on the bed in front of Johnny as he sat cross legged still holding his pillow.

It took Roy unwrapping his hamburger for him and handing it to him to get John started. His first bite resulted in a blob of catsup dropping on his pillow causing John to fight back the visions of a bleeding police officer.

While John was mumbling to himself that he had not hurt anyone, Cap quickly wiped up the catsup with the napkins he had brought in. Once the pillow was cleaned up except for a slight stain that was left behind, John was better under control. Taking a good look at his hamburger and then at his friends, John was able to place the pillow by his side, close enough to reach easily if he needed it but safe from falling catsup. Once the hamburger was half eaten John started reaching for the French fries and sauce and before they were ready to take on the pumpkin pie there were smiles all around and even some idle chatter. Still Johnny remained quiet.

When the last of the milk shakes were drank and all the debris stuffed in a single bag Chet presented the pie for John to take the first piece. John slowly reached up to take a piece of pie but then dropped his hand back down in his lap, his other hand placed on the pillow and grabbing a handful of stuffing.

"Guys," Johnny started hesitantly, "There's something I want to say. Ah, well see…" John stopped and took a deep breath and pulled his pillow slightly onto his lap.

"It's okay, John," Cap spoke soothingly, "Take your time, we're listening."

"It's about what happened on the roof last night, early this morning, whenever it was."

"The sun wasn't up yet so it was night in my book," Chet spoke up.

One side of Johnny's mouth rose in a weak imitation of the famous Gage crooked grin and Chet felt rewarded.

"Anyway, I, I need you all to understand that, well, that I was in a really bad place. . . in my head, you know. Hell, I'm still in a bad place." They could see the moisture welling up, not just in Johnny's eyes but everyone else's also. Johnny was just confirming what none of them wanted to believe, that John Gage was willingly ready to take his own life.

"I don't know what's going to be left of my life when this is all over." John continued to talk looking down at the bed as he now added his other hand to the pillow more fully pulled into his lap.

"Everything is going to be all right, John. We're going to work everything out," Cap spoke, placing a hand on his man's shoulder with the fingers well around the back of his neck.

"I want to believe that, Cap, but you can't deny the locked door and police guard. Not to mention everyone having to be frisked like criminals before you can come in to see me."

"It's just temporary, Johnny." Roy was pleading more for John to believe him, than telling him.

Johnny gave Roy a quick glance then turned his eyes back to his pillow. "Anyhow, I'm really, well I just want to you guys to know, what I want to say is, thank you for stopping me this morning. Now that I've had some time to think about things I'm sure I would have regretted, well what I was going to do."

The last word squeaked with emotion and once again Cap and Roy fought over who was going to take John into their arms. This time Roy won, but cap still managed to slip his arm under John's arms and around his chest between Roy and John.

John managed to pull one arm loose and wrapped it around Roy's back pulling him tight and leaning into his shoulder. With his other hand he reached blindly for Cap's shoulder and managed to find his upper arm as Mike took a hold of the hand on Cap's arm and Marco took hold of the hand on Roy's back. Chet took a hold of John's foot and started to massage it to make sure his pigeon knew he was there for him.

There wasn't a dry eye in the room and everyone was holding on as tight as they could. Their greatest comfort was that John was holding on the tightest.

No one moved other than to tighten their hold until the door opened and the heavy weight orderly stepped in. Draped over his arm was clean bedding, towels and hospital issue pajamas.

"Gentlemen, visiting time is over; Mr. Gage needs to clean up and get some rest now."

Slowly, one by one, the men let go of their friend. Roy was the last one to break hold but before he moved from the side of the bed he took hold of John by the forearm and with his other hand molded Johnny's hand around his forearm.

"This is all going to be worked out; you just have to hang in there a little longer. Do you hear me, Johnny, just a little longer?"

When he could no longer stall leaving, Roy backed out of the room. "I'll be back to see you, Johnny, just as soon as I can."

When Roy was finally through the door it was shut and locked behind him and Roy felt like the key was twisting his gut as it turned.

Five men stood with their heads hung low when the sound of slow footsteps drew their attention. "Don't look so glum," Dr. Winslow spoke encouragingly. "I know it might not feel like it to you right now but he has really come a long way since this morning."

Chet looked up and then back at the pie that was still in his hand. "Is it possible to leave this with the nurses so that Johnny can have some later?"

Dr. Winslow smiled again. "Sure," then he looked at each man before asking another question. "Where is the man who knew all the right things to say on the roof this morning?"

"Oh, Dwyer," Mike started to speak and then the five men looked at each other.

"He must be trying to get some sleep; He was one of the paramedics that responded to Johnny's apartment the other morning," Roy tried to explain.

"Yes I know, Johnny told me about him. Seems he was right in the thick of things. Are you sure he's alright?" Dr. Winslow asked. The other men were now wondering the same thing. They had just been so wrapped up with Johnny that they had forgotten about Dwyer.

"I guess I could call his captain and suggest he have someone check on him," Hank suggested.

Dr. Winslow simply reached down and pulled the phone from the desk up onto the top platform. "Nurse, does he need to dial nine to get an outside line?"


	18. Unlocking the Doors

**Unlocking the Doors**

Hank made short work of calling the station and requesting Captain Tollins' phone number. Captain Hookraider had been slow to give it sighting regulations but finally came through. Hank had been reluctant to give him the reason for the request. When Hookraider had relieved him that morning he had carried on for some time about all the firemen being put on down time after the incident at John's apartment needing to just pull themselves up by their boot straps and suck it up. Hank wasn't sure what he knew about John but he wasn't going to tell him anything that he could use to harass his paramedic on their next encounter.

Once the information was given Hank was quick to call his friend Ron Tollins and share the combined concern for Charles Dwyer. Once Ron agreed to check on him personally Hank hung up and turned his attention to Dr. Winslow. "His captain is going to go to his apartment and check on him personally. He said Dwyer's already begun counseling," Hank reported and Dr. Winslow nodded his head in approval.

Dr. Winslow then asked if Hank was ready to talk with him before leading him off to a private room and leaving the rest of the crew to dismiss themselves. After seeing John in his current condition most of them could have used some counseling of their own.

"Captain Stanley," Dr. Winslow got down to business quickly. "I've been looking over John's work history for the last month and I'm hoping you can shed some light on a few things I've found. First of all is it true that he has worked twelve shifts in the last sixteen days?"

Hank took in and blew out a deep breath. "I'm afraid so. It's vacation season in addition to the department sending several fire teams to help with the wild fires to the south of here. The department is short of the needed numbers of paramedics to begin with so they're all expected to pick up the slack, but I'm afraid they pick on John and the others like him the most."

"What do you mean when you say others like him?"

"Single, with no family," Hank clarified, "To some at headquarters that translates into no life outside the department."

"I read one report where you recommended that he not be called in to work until his next scheduled shift due to exhaustion. That was supposed to be four days according to the report. Can you tell me about that?" Dr. Winslow questioned while reading over the official report he was holding in his hand.

"Yeah, I hated to do it, it doesn't look good on their personal record, but he'd already worked four shifts while he was sick just a week before and on top of that the department's been so short on paramedics that they've had to shift several of the paramedic teams around leaving John and Roy to cover the better part of two response areas on their own. That translated into twice as many calls as normal. In fact, it was a crazy day; I think they had close to twenty calls and it was even an hour after shift change when they got back to quarters. John had worked three days straight of similar shifts and was dead on his feet. During most of those three days he was only able to eat a single meal per shift. According to regulations he had to have at least twenty-four hours off but I felt he needed more than that." Hank's anger was beginning to surface over that incident. "I wouldn't even let him drive home he was so beat. I had Roy take him home and the rest of the guys worked to get his truck home for him."

"Well that explains some of the readings in his lab reports. I can tell you that the work schedule he's been keeping is damaging his overall health and needs to come to a stop, for at least as long as it takes him to work through this crisis. Can you explain to me why he was called into work only two days later?"

"Someone at headquarters over-ruled my recommendation," Captain Stanley answered in no attempt to offer a defense. "I didn't know about it until the captain he worked for called me to tell me he was going to be late for shift. He'd had a late run and the captain ordered him to take some time to get a good breakfast before he reported to us for his next shift. I tried to send him home on sick leave but headquarters claimed they couldn't get a replacement and would have to take the squad out of service if he went home so he stayed." I did manage to get his replacement for the next shift to come in early so he could go home and get some much needed sleep since he had a twenty-four hour turn around. That just so happened to be the night everything happened at his apartment so we know how much sleep he got."

Captain Stanley leaned forward in his chair and rested his arms on his legs. "When he wasn't on time for roll call I figured he'd just been so exhausted that he'd slept through the alarm again. Then Ron brought him in and there was no way I was going to put him in a uniform."

"Well thank you, Captain Stanley, it sounds as if you do your best to look out for your men. I'll be seeing to it that he doesn't work any overtime at all for a while now."

"Not to sound, well I'm not sure that what I'm going to ask will come across the way I want it to, but how soon to you think he'll be back on the job?"

Dr. Winslow understood the man well, he wasn't really asking when he'd be back to work but more asking when he would be well again. "I'm goin to have to let you know on that one."

"Is, is he ah…is he still ah…"

"Suicidal?" Dr. Winslow provided the word the man before him seemed to be struggling to get out.

Hank could only nod his head to confirm his concern.

"There is a lot of confusion in John's mind right now and his perception of what he's done is causing him a lot of unfounded guilt that is leading to a lot of other feelings. We're just starting to sort everything out and get all his memories in their proper order and weed out the false conclusions he's been coming to. To answer your question, he's vulnerable and in need of some serious rest. I'm sure you can understand that even though he was technically asleep last night he didn't get much rest running around town rescuing little girls and whatever else his mind was doing. It's hard to think straight when you're as run down and exhausted as he is. He was surprisingly cooperative with his treatment so far and I feel he wants to live but at any given moment, until we get him all sorted out and this arrest situation taken care of, that could change."

"Is there anything we can do to help him?" Hank looked as desperate as John had done earlier.

"As his captain, aren't there forms you need to fill out so that he can get the counseling he's going to need?"

"That's already been done," Hank assured the doctor. "I submitted them yesterday morning, just after he was taken to Rampart in an ambulance."

"So you knew then that he was going to need some professional help?"

"He asked for it." Hank wanted to make the doctor understand that John knew he needed help and was willing to accept it.

Dr. Winslow smiled at the good captain. "He did? That's good to hear, very good to hear. That should go a long ways toward getting him out of that locked room. In the mean time just keep doing what you've been doing. I think I can say with surety that John is days ahead of where he would have been if it hadn't have been for you and his other friends' involvement."

-0-

Behind locked doors John was guided into the shower, and encouraged to take his time and let the water help him relax. His change of hospital issue pajamas was draped over a railing along with a nice big towel. As soon as he was behind the shower curtain his discarded clothing was scooped up and placed in a hamper.

John knew he was being watched but he also knew the cameras were focused to give him some dignity. With a deep sigh and a desire for hope John adjusted the water as hot as he dared and started to soap up. While John showered the orderly made short work of changing John's sheets and putting a clean pillowcase on his special calming pillows. He was done and stood waiting for a few minutes for John to get out of the shower. As soon as John was in the clean pajamas the used laundry was pushed out of the room and while the door was open a nurse came in with a glass of water and a small cup containing two pills.

Obediently John swallowed the pills and allowed the orderly to help him into bed and pull the covers over him. The side rails were once again raised with the padded covers and John was offered a back rub.

Somehow getting a back rub from a weight wrestling male type wasn't something John found relaxing so he declined the offer but did try to relax, silently repeating the mantra over and over in his mind. "I did no harm, I did no harm, I did no harm."

Wrapping his arms around his extra pillows, John envisioned them to be Jenny lying down to take a nap with him like she'd done many times when he was recovering at Roy's house. John even made sure the pillows were on the outside of the bed blankets before he tucked his head onto the pillows and let his eyes grow heavy.

-0-

Several hours later, but before the end of visiting hours, Roy returned to the hospital with John's lawyer, a former fire chief by the name of Barney Olsen.

They were told that John was sleeping and no visitors were allowed at the moment at which point Mr. Olsen began to rather forcefully education the nurse on John's rights and her responsibilities. The nurse still refused to allow the two of them to enter John's room and instead they were directed to a lounge a short distance down the hall.

Barney didn't even bother to knock he just opened the door and barged in. Roy followed, feeling a little embarrassed at the manner in which the lawyer was behaving. Inside the lounge they found Dr. Winslow sleeping on a sofa, a file folder open on his chest and his other arm hanging down, his hand resting on the floor. He began to arouse at the intrusion but before he was able to sit up on the sofa, Barney was shouting at him.

"My Client may have been declared to be of Diminished Capacity but he still has rights under the laws of this land."

"And you are?" Dr. Winslow slowly sat up and started to rub the sleep from his eyes.

"I am Barney Olsen, Attorney of Law and John Roderick Gage is my client,"

"That's all fine and well, but could you please refrain from yelling at me until I've had a chance to finish waking up?"

"Yes, of course." Barney had the decency to look apologetic. "But I must insist that we be allowed to visit with my client."

"So why are you telling me this? I've left no orders denying any visitors."

"We were just told that we couldn't visit with Mr. Gage because he's sleeping." Barney Olsen continued to speak in a demanding nature.

Dr. Winslow let out a yawn and then looked at the lawyer making claims of wrong doing. "Sounds like I should go have a talk with the nurses. If you will please give me ten minutes I will return and by then hopefully you will have calmed down enough that we can have a respectable conversation."

Dr. Winslow stood up slowly and after stretching a little and popping his neck and shoulders he stepped out of the room leaving a defused Barney Olsen and a confused Roy DeSoto behind.

-0-

At the nurse's station Dr. Winslow quickly gathered John's chart and turned to the reports written by the nurses who were watching his patient on the camera monitor.

He read how John had gone to sleep but for the first two hours woke with a start on an average of every twenty minutes. Each entry told of him bolting upright in bed in a near state of panic but after taking in his surroundings John would without outside influence calm his own breathing and start mumbling to himself before taking his pillows in his arms again and going back to sleep.

Dr. Winslow moved to where he could look over the nurse's shoulders and see for himself. John was still at the moment but the condition of the blankets on the bed told the tale of tossing and turning.

Dr. Winslow turned back to the nursing report and studied it in greater detail. The length of time John had gone between waking up had increased until an hour ago when it appeared to all watching him that he had reached a peaceful sleep. It had been decided by the nurse in charge of his care not to disturb him. His dinner was being kept warm and visitors were not allowed until he woke up again. Dr. Winslow not only agreed with the decision the nurse made, he also had a smile for his patient's progress.

-0-

In exactly nine minutes from the time he left the lounge Dr. Winslow stepped back in the room looking over a chart as he stood in the doorway.

"Why don't you two sit down and make yourselves comfortable. There will be no vitiation at the present time but I suspect the opportunity will arise soon."

"Do I need to inform you of Mr. Gage's rights?" Barney started again.

"It is my legal responsibility to see to it that Mr. Gage is rendered legally competent at the soonest possible moment. Right now John's greatest need is sleep."

"Mr. Gage has the right not to be drugged while he is in your care," Barney asserted.

"Mister Olsen, I may be semi-retired at this point in my career but a good portion of my patients are assigned to me by the police department. I am very aware of what the rights are for a patient who is determined to be of diminished capacity as am I aware of what my legal responsibilities to said patient are." Dr. Winslow didn't raise his voice but he spoke sternly and in no way apologetic and there was no question that Barney was NOT going to be able to get him to change his stand on any matter.

"Mr. Gage was given a mild analgesic to help with minor aches and pains and to make him comfortable. I will add that said analgesic is such that if he were working he would be able remain on duty while taking it. I am guilty of not telling him what he was given in hopes that he would think of it as a sedative and would more easily fall asleep. He has not been drugged. Using tools that I've spent time in our first session teaching him, he has finally, at some length, achieved a natural and restful sleep, which is something he needs now as much as he needs the air that he breathes. It is not in his best interest to be disturbed.

"I have left instructions that the next time he wakes, he is to be given something to eat and you and Mr. DeSoto may visit with him at that time, if you are willing to stay and wait that is."

Roy let out a sigh of great relief and closed his eyes before responding, "Yes, we'll wait."

Barney Olsen took his cue from Roy and simply asked, "How long do you think that might be?"

"Well, it's not impossible that he could sleep through the night, but I think it's much more likely that he'll be awakened by another nightmare within the next hour or so. I will likely have him awakened in two hours time to see to it that he gets something to eat if he doesn't wake on his own."

"I guess we can wait for a while," Barney agreed, "Do you mind if I ask you some questions?"

"What do you say we start by you listening to what I have to say and then we'll see if you have any questions left at that point." Dr. Winslow motioned to the sofa in the corner before taking a seat in a nearby armchair. When Roy and Barney sat down Dr. Winslow began to speak.

"Mr. Gage is being held for two reasons; one is that he was determined to be of Diminished Mental Reasoning. This was through observation of actions and behavior not previously demonstrated by the patient and confirmed through blood tests to be the result of medications given to him. Although the sedatives substituted for those prescribed are believed to be the culprit, and they certainly have a track record to confirm our belief, at this point it is not impossible that he would have done the same thing if he had been given the drugs prescribed by Dr. Joseph Early. It would have, however, been much more unlikely to have happened if he were given the drugs that had been prescribed for him. The most recent blood panels confirm that the drugs in question are no longer in his system but there is still the risk that Mr. Gage is a danger to himself.

"The laws surrounding the diagnosis of diminished capacity allow for 72 hours to fully evaluate the patient. However there was a request for treatment made by the patient through official fire department forms filled out at the same time Mr. Gage was first brought to this hospital yesterday morning. So it shouldn't be a long stretch to anyone's mind that Mr. Gage would willingly submit to treatment and not need to be held against his will."

"The second reason Mr. Gage is being held in the manner he is, is that while he was of diminished capacity he did, in front of witnesses, abduct two small children from their home and remove them from said home. He is therefore under arrest until said time as a judge is convinced to release him.

"However, given the facts readily available, any lawyer worth his salt, should be able to, at the very least, get the doors to Mr. Gage's room unlocked and remove the police guards as early as the courts are open in the morning."

"You mean even an incompetent lawyer should be able," Barney responded with a smirk and a smile. He had finally realized that Dr. Winslow was truly on their side and only interested in what was best for John.

"In my years working with the legal departments of this Valley I have seen more than my share of lawyers who were unable to perform what will be required here."


	19. Outside the Box

**Outside the Box**

"Doctor, he's awake!" a nurse said as she stuck her head in the partially opened door. "He appears to be in crisis," she added before disappearing as the door eased shut in her wake.

Dr. Winslow clapped the patient file in his hands closed and hurried out the door after her, Roy DeSoto on his heels and Barney Olsen close behind.

The three men were soon outside John's room waiting for the door to be opened. When it was, Dr. Winslow rushed through while Roy and Barney were detained for the required police search. Once inside Dr. Winslow found a very panicked John being held by his orderly. John wasn't really fighting him but the orderly had his arms around John's chest and arms and was holding him firmly as John gasped for air and held onto the orderly's arms.

"I need a paper sack and an injection of 5 mg of Valium," Dr. Winslow ordered, knowing that the orderly couldn't take that order but that there was a nurse listening that could. The orderly moved through the door to get the requested items and while the door was opened Dr. Winslow reached out and took hold of Roy's arm pulling him into the room even though the police officer hadn't finished searching him.

Roy quickly dropped the side rail and sat down near the head of the bed pulling Johnny back against him. He held one arm around John's arms and chest while he used his other to pull John's head back against his shoulder as he talked to him calmly and coached him to slow his breathing down. Seeing that Roy was having the desired effect, Dr. Winslow managed to find a washcloth and dampened it with cool water and sat on the other side of the bed bathing the sweat from Johnny's face and encouraging him to listen to his partner. By the time the paper sack and syringe with the requested medication was brought into the room John was making progress at calming himself down so the doctor placed the loaded syringe in his pocket for the time being. The edges of the paper bag were rolled back and then molded around John's mouth and nose as Roy continued his calming talk.

"It's alright, Johnny, you know the drill, breath in, now breath out slowly, in," he instructed and waited for Johnny to obey. "Good, now breathe out slowly." After the bag was inflated and then deflated four or five times, John's breathing slowed to a more normal, steady rhythm.

"Remember what we talked about earlier," Dr. Winslow said, calmly as he tried to get John to remember his mantra, "you did not cause harm to anyone."

At that, John started to cry and Dr. Winslow realized John's needs were different this time. "Okay, John, tell me what you're feeling, tell me why you're so upset."

"They're dead," Johnny cried, "I didn't get them out and now they're dead."

"Who's dead?" Dr. Winslow asked in confusion. Roy knew it was best for him to stay quiet and he did so, continuing to stroke the hair at the side of John's face as he held John's back against his chest.

"The children, I did nothing to get them out of there and their father just blew them away. I didn't get them out."

"Johnny, Johnny," Roy tried to get through his crying, "you did get them out remember?" Roy wasn't getting through.

Dr. Winslow reached out and took Johnny's face in one hand and with the other hand pinched his arm.

"Ouch," Johnny cried.

"Can you hear me now? Are you listening to me now?" Dr. Winslow then placed his other hand on the other side of John's face and forced him to look at him.

"Do you remember that we talked about mixing up your memories?" John managed to lock eyes with the doctor and refocused. "Now tell me about it, John; tell me about the children you're talking about."

Dr. Winslow's first thought was that previous rescues from weeks if not years gone by were creeping into John's memory and that was not a good sign at the moment.

"They said I did nothing to get them out of the home, now I have to live with what happened. Wanted, wanted to know how I felt now after everything happened because I did nothing to prevent it."

Roy's eyes opened wider in understanding, "That reporter."

"Ah," Dr. Winslow nodded his head in agreed understanding as he remembered Dr. Early telling him about the reporter who had, whether intentionally or not, managed to placed a hypnotic suggestion in John's mind by trying to awaken him with ammonia in an attempt to get a statement from him.

"John, I want you to think hard. Do you remember pulling those children out of their bedroom window?" Dr. Winslow prompted. "Do you remember helping them climb across the balcony to your apartment?"

"NO, no," Johnny was shaking his head, "Dwyer, Dwyer helped them over the railings." John's eyes started to dart back and forth as he explored the memories he was being reminded of. "The, the girl, she, she wouldn't come. She was stuffing things under the covers to, to make it look like they were still in their beds sleeping."

"Do you remember Dixie telling you that the little boy wanted you to bring the fire trucks home with you again so he could climb on them?" Roy tried to shift John's memories to happier ones.

Johnny then closed his eyes and held his breath for just a moment. When he opened his eyes again he was more awake than he had been and looking around…but looked confused. Calmer now, he pulled away from Roy and sat up more fully, bending one leg in the bed and placing the other foot on the floor as he searched his memories.

Dr. Winslow allowed him the time but handed him his pillows, which he accepted and pulled them tight enough that he could rest his chin on them.

"Someone said I didn't do anything," John spoke, still confused and not able to place the memory that was haunting him. "They wanted to know how I felt now since I didn't do anything to prevent…" Johnny let the statement hang as he tried again to place it.

Finally, he looked back at Roy with determination in his eyes. "What didn't I do? What do I have to live with now because I didn't do. ..what didn't I do?"

Roy shifted his position so that it was easier for John to see him. "Johnny, listen to me. Just after you were sedated the first time, a reporter snuck into the room just after you had fallen asleep. She claimed that someone told her that you had been treating the children's injuries before, before things went bad, treating them and not taking them to the doctor. She had some bad information, Johnny, but she was still trying to make a story on it."

"I didn't, Roy, you know I'd never do that."

"I know, Johnny. Like I said, she had bad information and she was trying to make a name for herself." Roy tried to get his partner to understand.

The three of them talked for some time helping Johnny to put his memories in place before John's dinner, which included two pieces of pumpkin pie, was brought into the room. His lawyer was also allowed to enter at that time. Knowing that John would need to sign some legal papers, Dr. Winslow opted not to give John the sedative at this time. Seeing that John was now calm Dr. Winslow left to allow a private conversation on the legal issues ahead.

When John's lawyer was ready to leave Dr. Winslow reentered the room. John had been totally overwhelmed with the legal talk from his lawyer and wasn't sure how he felt about being allowed out of the locked unit. Part of him wanted out, part of him felt he was where he belonged and yet another part of him was a little frightened of what he might do if he were free.

Dr. Winslow seemed to understand all of those feelings but he did feel as if his patient was stable for the time being and he needed some sleep himself. He had been on John's case, gathering information to set up a treatment plan since he had been called at four a.m. that morning.

"John, I'm going to be going home now. I'll see you again in the morning. Before I leave I'd like to give you something to help you sleep tonight. Is that alright with you?"

Johnny looked at his doctor in total confusion. He had never had a doctor ask him if the treatment he was suggesting was approved, he had only been told what needed to be done and not always before it was done. "Why are you asking me?"

"Because I believe you are now fully competent and as such you should have some control over your treatment."

"But, but I'm still….. I still need help." It was clear that wasn't the easiest thing for John to say. "I was a total basket case less than an hour ago."

"I'm in agreement that you still need some therapy and the fact that you recognize that is just that much more proof of your ability to make some choices regarding your treatment. I do believe it would be in your best interest to get a good night's sleep tonight but I am giving you a choice of how to get it."

John looked at Roy and then the locked door to his room, then back to Roy before looking at the doctor and nodding his head. John then watched unflinchingly as the doctor swabbed his arm with alcohol and inserted the needle.

"You have nothing to worry about John, you're safe here, no one is going to let you go wandering off in your sleep, and no one is going to throw you out on the streets before you're ready to face what's out there." Dr. Winslow added a warm smile to his words. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Before the effects of the drug could be felt, Roy placed a hand on John's back and eased him down in bed then pulled the bedding around him. "Rest well, Junior, I'll be back tomorrow."

Repeating the mantra, 'I did no harm, the children are safe, I did no harm, the children are safe,' John was soon asleep.

-0-

John was gently shaken awake early the next morning by a nurse stating that she needed to draw some blood. He thought he was cooperative but he was still held firmly but not painfully by an orderly, a different one from the day before, as the blood was drawn. John felt they were being a little overly aggressive with him but it only served to remind him that he was in a lock down unit and in police custody.

"What blood tests are they running?" John asked once the needle was removed.

"Just the follow up ones the doctor ordered," the nurse answered, her voice laced with fear as she hurriedly placed her samples in her box and left the room.

By then John was awake. He might have been able to go back to sleep if he didn't have so much on his mind. It didn't help any that he didn't want to return to the stressful dreams he remembered having. Still he took hope in the fact that he knew they were dreams, not memories, haunting him. Being better rested did have its benefits.

Since there was no clock in the room, John had no idea what time it was. He looked out the window but a heavy cloud cover hid the sun making that a poor source for the information he sought. Once again he gathered up his pillows and toyed with them. He didn't feel the need to hold them tight at the moment but he felt comforted that they were there. As he remembered all that had happened to him questions again started to arise.

Finally, since no one had entered the room for a long time, John walked over to the speaker on the wall and pressed the call button. Cords of any kind could be used to strangle someone so they weren't allowed in rooms such as these.

"Yes, Mr. Gage, is there something I can do for you?" a pleasant voice came through the speaker.

"I was wondering when Dr. Winslow would be in this morning."

"Probably not till later, he has his other patients to see in his office this morning," the nurse answered.

"Thank you," John responded. Of course he had other patients. What did he think; that Dr. Winslow was his personal doctor? Guilt again began to rise in John's mind as he thought of all the time he had spent at the hospital the day before. He must have had to rearrange his schedule so that now he has twice as many patients to see today.

Feeling his anxiety growing, John forced himself to think about something else. His thoughts soon turned to Charlie Dwyer and wondered how he was doing. John could easily see his friend taking the blame for him taking those children and now being in this lock down unit. John thought about asking the nurse to call and check on him but he didn't know his phone number off the top of his head.

It wasn't long before John began to pace around the room. Memories of the shoot out had him clutching his pillows again, the dominate flashes were always of the beds being shot up and the bullets hitting the wall around him. He so needed some help to deal with those memories. Somehow the mantra that he'd done no harm or that he children were safe wasn't helping there so he fought hard to think of Jenny. She was always so eager and excited to see him. He longed to feel, not just remember, her arms around his neck and to hear her excited chatter about every little thing.

Would she still be happy to see him when she learned he'd been arrested for abducting two little girls? Would Roy and JoAnne do everything in their power to protect his Little Princess from him? They should, John thought to himself but tried to think of something else. Then he remembered Vince asking him if he knew anything about a missing gun.

After two more laps around the room John stepped up to the door and gave a gentle knock.

"Is there something I can get for you, Mr. Gage?" The question came over the speaker in the wall. It was the same pleasant voice as before but this time John thought he heard a little annoyance in her voice.

"I, ah, just wanted to talk with the police officer for a moment."

It wasn't long before John could hear the key in the door. When it opened he didn't miss the careful grip on the handle of the door that was only opened a few inches, and that the police officer was braced to pull it shut quickly if John were to make any sudden moves.

John stepped back from the door and held his hands in the air. "I was just remembering that I was asked if I knew where a missing gun might have been hidden and wanted to know if they found it."

"I don't know anything about that investigation," the officer responded and when John didn't have another question the door was pulled tight once again and the lock turned.

Breakfast was finally brought in, again finger food that wouldn't require any form of utensils and again on a paper plate. This morning it was scrambled eggs rolled up in pancakes, with one small carton of milk. John ate all of it but when he was done he was still hungry. When John heard the lock being worked the next time he didn't turn toward it. He figured that it was just someone coming in to get his empty plate. This shift clearly seemed to be frightened of him and afraid of what he might do.

"Hey, Gage." John heard the familiar and friendly voice. "They said you've just finished breakfast but knowing you, you're still hungry. It's not much but Cap sent in some of your favorite muffins. I don't know if his wife made 'em or Roy's wife did but they sure smell good. You're lucky I had them in the back seat while I was driving over here or there wouldn't be any left."

"Chet," John smiled. "What are you doing here this early? Where's everyone else?"

"They're all at the court house waiting to talk with the judge." Chet moved in and started to make himself comfortable. "I volunteered to keep you company until the Judge gives the okay for you to be let out of here."

Food was placed in John's hand and then Chet did what Chet did best, he started to talk. By the time John had finished what he recognized as JoAnne's Apple cinnamon muffins, Chet had told about the first three runs of the last shift in great, drawn out, and John was sure, embellished, detail. In the bottom of the paper sack was a half dozen of Emily Stanley's famous, melt in your mouth to die for peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, extra large. Just the way she knew John loved them. While those were being eaten Chet told him about the last three runs of his shift. John knew he was embellishing the story when he claimed that six cheerleaders from a bus accident gave him their phone numbers. Chet was half way through his narration of the late night smoke alarm to a three story apartment building, only to find out an elderly lady had left a chicken in the oven when she went to bed.

John lost interest in the exaggerated tales and started pacing the room again. When his anxieties began to grow and his hands began to shake, John started running his hands through his hair rather than gather the pillows and hold them in front of Chet. He didn't want to give his often tormentor ammunition to harass him later.

"Gage!" Chet's voice broke through the wanderings of John's mind. It was clear by the tone in his voice that it wasn't the first time he'd called out. "Will you sit down and relax before someone gets the idea you belong in here."

John turned to Chet and felt the fear of the world start to take hold of him, "What, what if, I do?"

Chet gave his friend a stunned look and all it took was one look and he knew John was serious; he quickly jumped to his feet and stepped up to John's side. Placing a hand on John's arm Chet hesitantly started to rub.

"Na, Gage, not you, at least not now, maybe you did when you were being crazy and thought you could fly off the roof, but that's over now. You didn't do anything wrong, all you did was what you thought was right. Those drugs just had you a little confused about how to go about it is all, now that they're out of your system you're safe to get out of here."

John said nothing but Chet could tell that he wasn't buying what he was saying, at least not all of it. He managed to pull him toward the bed and get him to sit down. When he saw the extra pillows Chet remembered being told that they were helping John stay calm so as casually as possible Chet picked them up, as if they were in his way, and sat them in John's lap before sitting on the bed where they had been.

The silence lingered as John kneaded his pillows and Chet thought hard about what was best to say next.

"You're afraid of getting out of here aren't you?" Chet hit the nail on the head. John didn't answer.

"You know I've been hearing some of the things that went on in your apartment, it sounds kind 'a like some of the stuff I went through in 'Nam. I might understand a little about what you're feeling, if you want to talk about it. It's not one of my strengths but I am capable of shutting my mouth and listening."

John managed a half hearted smile for his friend. "I'm not sure what I have to say is worth the effort."

"Gage, if it will make you feel better to get it off your chest it's more than worth the effort. Trust me."

John turned his attention back to his pillows as his hands grabbed fists full of stuffing and either pulled or twisted. It looked like John might be ready to say something when the sound of the key in the lock drew their attention to the door.

When the door flew open wide, John was surprised that no one was holding the handle. Standing in the doorway was the rest of John's shift mates wearing their dress uniforms and Barney Olsen, in suit and tie. Draped over Cap's arm was a terry robe, in Marco's hands were a pair of slippers and Roy was holding the handles of a wheelchair.

"You're out of here." Barney did the speaking, and John looked at the police officer who was standing guard to see him looking over some papers he was sure were his release.

While the door remained opened and Barney told him of his current status with the law, the crew went to work, slippers were slipped onto John's feet before he was pulled to a stand and helped into the Robe and then pushed into the waiting wheelchair and his pillows placed once again in his lap.

"John Gage, you've been released from police custody, there was no bail required but there is a protective order against you. You are under no circumstances to come within a hundred yards of the Kingston children or their parents."

John let out a scoff at that news. "I can understand that. After what I did I wouldn't want me around either. Where are we going?"

"Dr. Brackett has found a nice quiet room for you to finish catching up on your rest." Roy answered as he rolled the chair to the nearest elevator and pushed the button.

Since Johnny's room wasn't ready for him yet the guys took him on a tour around the building and then to lunch in the cafeteria. They finally did make their way to his room, one of four rooms at the end of the oncology unit where it was determined to be quiet, that Dr. Bracket had set aside for cases such as Johnny's. When they wheeled Johnny in the room he found Dr. Winslow waiting.

"How does freedom feel Johnny?" Dr. Winslow spoke.

Totally lost for words Johnny could only shrug his shoulders. The rest of the men knew that Dr. Winslow wanted to have a therapy session with John so they quickly said their good-byes and left doctor and patient alone.

"I'll ask again, how does it feel to be out of the locked room?"

"You're going to think I'm crazy, I mean crazier than. . . . I don't know what I mean."

"Just take your time. Let's not worry about crazy or anything else, let's just worry about what is and how to deal with it."

It took Johnny three attempts to speak and four deep breaths before he finally blurted out, "I'm scared."

"Scared of what?" Dr. Winslow asked in a calm nonjudgmental but more importantly unsurprised voice. Dr. Winslow could tell that John was struggling to explain the answer he had been asked for so he added. "Take your time, but this is important."

"Most of the time with work when I'm called out on a suicide attempt, it's their third or fourth try at it. If not that, you hear friends and family members tell how they'd talked about it for a while and they just didn't take them seriously. When I think about what happened with me on the roof, it wasn't anything like that. I don't remember thinking about anything other than how to find those little girls. And then the doctor said they found them and that they were all right. It was like the very next breath that I looked over the edge of the roof," Johnny paused and his hands started to shake while his breathing increased.

Dr. Winslow reached over and picked up his pillows placing them in John's lap. He was not surprised when John took a firm hold of them.

"I don't honestly think that I wanted to die, it was more like I felt like it was the best thing I could do; it was like I believed that was where I should go, except for it being too quick and painless." John had said it and to himself he sounded like he belonged back in the locked room, now there was nothing else to say.

"The biggest reason you don't see many of those types of suicide attempt in your work is that you're not called out on them. Believe it or not John I think a majority of the successful suicides are the way you described, especially where mind altering or mind numbing chemicals are in play."

"So what are you saying, the drugs made me do it?"

"No, at least that's not what I'm trying to say. In nearly everyone's life there is a moment of crisis where, for a brief moment, they will have thoughts that they don't want to go on, or that the world would be better off without them. It could be as minor as getting a poor grade on a test or wrecking the car and being afraid to tell your parents about it, from a teenager's point of view that's an event that they would rather be dead than go through. Where the drugs play into the situation is that they suppress the fear, your resistance to harm yourself. Without that mind numbing that the chemicals cause the person is more inclined to take a moment when they step back and look the situation over just one more time or hesitate long enough to think of another option. I suspect during the time since you were pulled off the roof you've done just that. In fact I remember you telling me that you knew, you knew for sure that Dr. Brackett was going to give you something to knock you out and that was enough for the moment; to not have to think about anything until the drugs wore off was enough for you to let your friends capture you.

"I'm actually relieved to hear that you're afraid. That fear is what is going to get you to step back and think of other options and I think by now you've come up with a few, over the next few days we'll talk about that in more depth and come up with a few more alternatives."

"I'm not so sure I share your opinion, Doc. You have to remember that I run into burning buildings for a living. Fear doesn't have the same effect on me as most other people."

"I'm sure there is some truth to that statement, I'm also sure that if it were a matter of giving your life to save that of a friend or even another person that you're choice would be just as instant as what you described on the roof. But when it comes to throwing your life away needlessly, I suspect you're more like most people than you give yourself credit."

John thought on his doctor's words for a moment. "You might be right but that doesn't change the fact that my life is a real mess right now."

"Let's look at that a little more clearly." Dr. Winslow tried to stop the negative flow. "The last few days have been a mess; and in your case, they have been a mess because of the actions of others. From what I've learned of you through your professional service records, I have no doubt that you would be much more of an emotional mess if you had taken the safe road and kept your door locked and just waited for the police to take care of the situation in the apartment next to yours."

"But if I hadn't of done what I could, the, the cops, the kids, maybe even the mother, they all would have been killed."

"Exactly my point," Dr. Winslow smiled at John. "You are a good man, John Gage; you dedicate your life to doing good things. And now I want you to also remember that you have good friends. Friends who care for you, who want to be there for you and help you in any way they can. Friends who would be hurt if you were no longer part of their lives. I want you to think about them for a moment, put yourself in their place. Can you commit to me that you will not do anything to harm yourself, that person your friends care for and is important to them. Can you commit to me that you can take care of yourself until we meet again tomorrow?"

"Uncle Johnny!" a high pitched nearly ear piercing but undeniably excited squeal came through the door that she had pushed opened a bit. Within seconds a young girl with blond pigtails launched herself into John's arms with such force that he was knocked over on the bed he was sitting on. With arms wrapped tightly around his neck John accepted Dr. Winslow's helping hand to right himself again before wrapping both of his arms tightly around the young girl and pulling her tight as tears started to form in his eyes.

Not letting go of Jenny but looking at his doctor, Johnny spoke, "Somehow I'm sure I'll get to make that same pledge again tomorrow." Johnny smiled warmly and gave Jenny another squeeze, "I think I can live with that Doc, but then that's the point isn't it? I have come a long ways in the last day. I really believe that with your help I just might be able to get my head together again and in the right place."

After Dr. and patient shared smiles, Johnny turned Jenny around on his lap and set her down. "Doc, this is my partner's daughter Jenny. I call her my Little Princess."

"Are you the doctor who is making my Uncle Johnny feel better?" Jenny quickly asked.

"Well I'm doing my very best, but I must admit I think that hug you just gave him made him feel a whole lot better than anything I've done for him."

"Really! How many hugs do I need to give him so that he can come home to our house and get the rest of the way all better?"


	20. Not Going it Alone

**Not Going it Alone**

"So, where's your Mom and Dad?" Johnny asked the little girl who had burst into his hospital room while he was in the middle of a therapy session with his psychiatrist.

"They's waiting." Jenny started to explain with an exasperated sigh and the shrug of her shoulders. "Daddy said he was going to get you and bring you somepace we could visit with you, but him just wasn't in a hurry bout it so I come to get you for him."

Johnny hung his shaking head and smirked while Dr. Winslow just smiled, laughed and reached for the phone on Johnny's bedside table. "Nurse, would you please contact security and see if they are looking for a little girl with blond hair and pigtails?" pause, "Yes that's the one, would you call them back and tell them they can find her in Mr. Gage's room. Thank you."

John was able to piece together every little thing that young Jennifer didn't understand. Roy had been stalling to allow time for him to finish his session with Dr. Winslow and Jennifer had gotten impatient and slipped away to find him on her own.

He knew he should be scolding her for leaving her parents the way she did but right now all he could do was hold her tight; she held an energy that he needed to charge his own. Holding her was more than a comfort; it was truly fulfilling a need.

"So tell me, Miss Jenny," Dr. Winslow started to engage the young girl in conversation, "this is a very big hospital how did you find your Uncle Johnny so fast?"

"I heared Daddy tell Mommy what numbers were Uncle Johnny's. Last time Uncle Johnny was in the hospital Nurse Dixie teached me that the first number of the numbers was the same number on the button you push in the elebator. The rest was easy; most nurse people don't see anyone as short as me. When I finded the door that had all the numbers Daddy telled Mommy I opened it and here's Uncle Johnny"

Jenny was demonstrating her amazing counting ability when a very embarrassed Roy and JoAnne, with Chris in tow, gave a quiet knock on the door before entering Johnny's room.

"I'm so sorry," Roy apologized, for his daughter's intrusion.

"Not to worry; this young lady's arrival couldn't have been better timed." Dr. Winslow said as he nodded his head toward Jenny and smiled. He was introduced to the rest of Roy's family as JoAnne was running her hands through Johnny's hair then taking a hold of his face and pulling it up where they could look at each other.

After giving Johnny a kiss on the top of his head and pulling him in a one armed hug into her chest JoAnne stepped away to allow her son to have a turn.

"Hi, Uncle Johnny." Chris stepped forward and gave a hug.

Dr. Winslow observed as John again held the boy back, maybe a little longer than the boy had intended.

Roy then stepped up and the two shook hands. "How you feeling now, partner?" he asked with a worried smile.

"Better," John answered rather convincingly before giving Jenny and Chris both a tight squeeze. "Better."

Since Roy was John's legal next of kin, Dr. Winslow took just a moment to explain the rules of this area of the hospital, which did not include underage visitors in a patient's room. In the future the children could be gathered in a recreation/garden room type area at the end of the hall and to the left and Johnny could meet with them there. He then informed John that Dr. Bracket and Dr. Morton would be checking in on him to deal with his anemia and low platelet count, and then he left but not before advising John to get a nap after lunch.

Roy and his family stayed and talked until lunch was served; meatloaf and mashed potatoes with peas and a piece of pumpkin pie served on a real plate with a knife, fork and spoon to eat with. John never before realized how much he appreciated silverware, or more importantly the trust extended in allowing him to use them.

After lunch was consumed, Johnny was obediently working on relaxing. His mind was so busy with things that had been talked about that he doubted that he'd be able to sleep but he did feel as if his mind was coming together and that his thoughts were starting to come together.

Johnny hadn't even really managed to get to sleep when he bolted upright in his bed, his eyes wide, his breathing heavy; there was still work to be done. He didn't have to remind himself that he did no harm this time, the flash in his mind this time was the gun pointed at him and then going off several times in succession. Just like it had been when he was in the corner, John was sure his last breath was going to be his last. He was so sure it was his last that he was having a difficult time taking his next breath.

John pulled his pillows into his arms and managed to get in a little air, then a little more with the next breath. He had just managed to be able to lay back and take in an easy deep breath when he heard a quiet knock on his open door. Standing there leaning against the door frame and wearing his dark glasses was Dwyer. In one hand Dwyer had a brand new gym bag full of something but still sporting the sales tags. In his other hand was John's dream catcher, once again wrapped in the Police evidence bag to protect it.

Without saying a word and with a multitude of emotions in his mind and on his face, John swung his feet to the side of the bed and sat up facing his friend. Dwyer hesitantly stepped into the room holding the dream catcher forward.

"Now that you can have your own things I thought you would want this."

John silently accepted his dream catcher and lay it on top of the over bed table before turning back to his friend. "Charlie, what happened to me and what I did, was in no way your fault."

Charlie's shoulders slumped and the bag in his hand dropped to the floor. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I really let you down the other night."

John got to his feet and guided Charlie to a chair that he pulled closer to the bed. Once Charlie was sitting down, his eyes fixed on the floor, Johnny sat back on his bed facing his friend.

"Dwyer, man, you were just following orders from Headquarters. You gave me the choice between your friend and Hall, the ambulance driver. Even now, after everything that happened the way it did, I would still choose your friend over Hall, the ambulance driver." Johnny managed to smile the most genuine smile he'd managed since before the shoot out at his apartment building.

Charlie's eyes started to fill and he laughed as he shook his head, struggling to keep his emotions contained before he could manage to speak. "Hall's a great guy and all but he's not really my type either."

"About what happened on the roof, thanks; thanks for stepping up and saying all the right things when I wasn't thinking all that straight. I know things are a little crazy for me right now but in spite of the fear that I might lose my job, I really am glad to be alive."

Dwyer managed a moist smile and looked at Johnny. "That is really good to hear, Johnny, that is really good to hear." The two men grasped hands in a rescue hold and just sat there silently looking at each other.

"I still can't believe Marlene substituted her prescription for yours," Charlie said, finally breaking the silence.

"Yeah," Johnny responded with a shake of his head, "Did she by any chance explain to anybody why she did what she did?"

"Yeah, she um, thought her pills would work better for you; she knew they weren't available on the market anymore. Apparently she's done this before when her best friend was beaten by her boyfriend. Her doctor prescribed something else but Marley substituted two of her own pills claiming they worked better than ones the doctor prescribed. She thought they would work better for you, too, because you were tossing and turning a lot before you woke up from your nightmare."

Charlie shrugged his shoulders. "I've been trying to educate her a little but she's not talking to me right now at her lawyer's advice. The police are telling her that they are considering filing charges against her."

"Oh, man, that's rough," Johnny sighed. "I wish I could tell them I don't want to press charges but they've already told me that I've been legally declared as being of diminished capacity starting when Dr. Early gave me the first sedative here at the hospital. Because of that, I don't have any say about charges against her or the little girls' father. That kinda sucks, but they're right when they say I can't remember most of what happened during that time."

The two men talked until Charlie needed to leave so he could make it to his counseling session at Headquarters. "Anyway, I didn't want to bring everything Vince pulled out of your apartment; I didn't think there was room for it here. I'll drop the rest off at Roy's house on my way home tonight, but I thought you'd like to have your own pajamas and robe while you're here, that and your dream catcher. I slept in the guest room last night just so I could sleep under it. I think it worked, at least some."

"Thanks for everything." Johnny walked Charlie to the door. "Don't be a stranger and don't blame yourself for what happened." Johnny slapped his friend on the back as he looked at his watch and hurried along. Johnny remained in his open doorway and watched until Dwyer was on the elevator.

John made one more attempt at relaxing and actually made it to sleep before he awoke with a start. This time it was the feel of blood spraying on the side of his face that brought his eyes open and stole his breath away.

He was still trying to get his breathing under control when he looked up and was totally surprised to see, of all people, Craig Brice standing in his doorway.

"Hello, Gage." Brice spoke hesitantly and Johnny was even more confused. "Are you all right would you like me to get one of the nurses?"

Johnny held up his hand to stop the perfect paramedic from sounding some cry of alarm and quickly managed to get a breath in. "No, no there's no need to get a nurse, I'll be alright; just give me a minute." Johnny took in a deep breath and held it for a count of ten then slowly blew it out, "I'm okay now. What brings you here?" Johnny looked Brice over carefully. He seemed different somehow, as he stood hesitant and unmoving in the doorway to his room. Gone was the total and complete confidence, the air of superiority that Johnny had always hated about him.

"I, ah, well, I'm here on an assignment." Brice got out and the first thing Johnny could think of was that he had been sent to give him some official news from Headquarters. Then he asked himself, 'why would Headquarters send Brice of all people'.

"What kind of assignment?" Johnny pulled his feet to the side of his bed and sat up staring questioningly at the man in the doorway. "Who sent you?"

Brice remained standing in the doorway looking at the floor unable or unwilling to answer at that moment at least.

To John's mind came one realization, the change he was seeing in Brice was not a good thing, no matter how much that man irritated the crap out of him.

Brice didn't answer for a while and then he took a deep breath and pulled himself into his tallest stance looking straight ahead, not at John but past him. "Visiting with you is one of the things I'm required to do before the department psychologist will sign off my return to duty."

John was surprised and quickly realized that it must have shown on his face and quickly schooled his features, hoping Brice hadn't seen.

There was a moment of silence while Brice remained standing, nearly at attention in the doorway.

"Well, you're here," John broke the silence, "Is there something I need to sign so you can prove you came?"

Brice looked at Johnny like he had two heads and finally laughed. "Ah, no, I'm sure this visit is going to be a topic of conversation at our next session. Somehow I don't think I'm going to get away without making more of a visit than I've done so far."

"In that case why don't you come in and take a load off your feet," Johnny offered, gesturing toward a chair still sitting next to the bed where Dwyer left it.

Brice looked at it for a moment then moved in, taking the seat where he sat silently for a moment before asking, "So, how are you doing?"

"Better than I was," Johnny answered, still confused.

Brice focused on his hands that were nervously fidgeting in his lap. "You must think it's pretty funny that the great Craig Brice is on forced leave for counseling."

"No, no, I don't think there is anything funny about any of this. First of all, you're not all that great unless you're referring to yourself as a great pain in the butt. Second of all with your obsession for perfection and always doing things by the book I knew you'd crack someday. At least you're getting your counseling as an outpatient; I just got out of a lock down unit. I'm the last person who should have anything to say about anyone taking advantage of counseling."

"Yeah well the department thought all of us who were at that thing at your apartment building should be checked off…wait, what do you mean you always knew I'd crack someday?"

John wasn't sure how he dared to answer that last question so he just tried to stare down the man sitting in front of him. "I was wondering there for a moment if you've heard a word I've said since you got here."

Brice just continued to stare at Johnny.

"Look, Brice, whenever there is a big storm there are tons of tree branches that are broken by the wind. The branches that break the easiest are the stiff and brittle ones not the ones that are supple and bend with the forces around them. Now if all of us paramedics were branches in a tree what kind are you?"

Brice continued to look at him but his expression showed a thoughtful contemplation and understanding to what John was saying.

"So what's your excuse?" Brice questioned.

"I'm not making any excuses," Johnny answered not willing to fight with Brice in any way. John's stand seemed to work the way he wanted it to. Brice didn't say anything more for a moment or two.

It was really weird seeing Brice like this; Johnny was at a loss in his search for what to say next.

"So how are you doing?" Brice repeated and John was fairly sure he hadn't heard his answer the first time he asked.

"I'm improving," Johnny answered then shot from the hip. "Things must have been pretty rough for you guys in my apartment."

"Not as bad as it must have been for you," Brice acknowledged. "You know you should have stayed with the patient, the department handbook states that it's the police's responsibility to remove bystanders from a shooting situation. If you had just followed the department guidelines you never would have been taken hostage."

"Maybe, but I was off duty; I wasn't tied down by departmental rules and regulations at the time. Besides if I had let the police deal with it the children would be dead now!" Johnny's voice rose in volume with each word that he spoke. "I barely got the last kid out before their father blew their beds apart!"

"The guy must have been upset that his kids got away from him again." Brice mumbled absently looking around the room at anything other than Johnny.

"NO, no, Brice, you're wrong about that, too. The kids had stuffed things under their blankets to make it look like they were still asleep. That man had no idea they were gone, he died believing he had killed his own children. He didn't give it a second thought, he just blew them away!" Johnny rose to his feet at the end of his rant to give his words more power. When he saw the wide eyes and the color quickly draining from Brice's face he sat back down.

"Brice, you might want to put your head between your knees," Johnny suggested when he could tell his fellow paramedic was on the verge of going out on him. Brice made no move to follow his suggestion so John stepped forward and pushed his head forward and kept contact with it till his head was resting on his knees. Craig Brice didn't fight back in any way.

John thought he should get some help for his guest and before he pushed the call button he looked through the open door to see if a nurse just might be passing by. Instead he saw Dr. Brackett and Dr. Morton.

The two doctors shared a few words then Dr. Morton left and Dr. Brackett remained in the doorway and out of Brice's sight. He motioned to Johnny, mouthing the words, "Keep him talking."

Johnny found a little compassion for his fellow rescue worker and started to rub his back as he talked to him about relaxing and concentrating on his breathing.

-0-

At the nurse's station down the hall from John's room Dr. Morton grabbed the phone on the desk and pulled it up onto the shelf. "Operator, get me Headquarters for the fire department." It took the doctor a few minutes but once he was supplied with the phone number for the counselor who was assigned to Craig Brice he was dialing it. Dr. Morton made quick work at explaining what little he knew and was surprised to find that Brice's counselor had an office in the building across the street. Since he had just finished with his last patient of the day he said he'd be right over.

-0-

Back in Johnny's room Brice was starting to push against John's hand. "Let me up, I'm okay now,"

John complied and was quick to notice the embarrassment on his fellow paramedic's face. "Don't worry about it Brice, it happens to the best of us, so it darn sure can happen to you."

Johnny sat back down on his bed facing his guest, now patient. "You want to talk about it?"

"Did you know the cop who took the bullet in the shoulder?" Brice asked, not really expecting a response, his words not directed to anyone in particular.

"No, I'd never seen him before."

"He's my neighbor, lives in the same apartment complex I do. That's why I let Bellingham work on him."

"That must have been rough," John responded looking past Brice to see Dr. Brackett showing signs that this was new information to him.

"It shouldn't have been; it's not like he was hurt all that bad. It was a relief that he was able to walk with help when the rest of the cops were hurrying us to get out as fast as we could."

"Still, he was a friend of yours; not even rule number one stands a chance at a time like that."

"I didn't say he was a friend, I said he was a neighbor," Brice corrected and gave more information in the process.

"He and his wife are raising his two nephews. His sister died of Leukemia; her husband was a firefighter, He was killed in a traffic accident just two days before she died. They said he fell asleep behind the wheel and drifted into a semi on the way to the hospital after pulling a double shift. He'd been working a lot of overtime to help cover the medical expenses."

Brice's eyes started to fill, another thing Johnny had never seen the man do before; he did have a heart hidden under all the rules and regulations he repeated from memory.

"The boys watch for me to come home from work. They've seen me come home in my uniform a few times and know I'm a fireman. Sometimes they drag Bruce over to talk with me. They always start the argument of whose best, firemen or policemen." Brice gave a quick smile this was also something Johnny had never seen before.

"Little Kevin, always claims that firemen are better because they save people, cops just shoot the bad guys." Brice turned a tear streaked face to Johnny. "You should have let him save the children so he could say he saved them. Kid's should believe the best of their parents."

"He did save them and everyone else that was there, by keeping the gunman pinned down for as long as he did," Johnny defended as he noticed Dr. Morton rejoin Dr. Brackett with another man at his side.

"It's not the same, and you know it," Brice lashed out verbally but didn't move from the chair. That's when the third man walked in and placed his hand on Brice's shoulder.

Brice looked up to see who was there and then looked away quickly forcing a professional and totally under control act to his face.

John reached out and touched his arm. "Don't do that Brice. There's no shame in needing to talk things out. We all need to do that from time to time in the line of work we do. You owe it to your patients to be clear headed and able to concentrate on their needs every time you roll on a rescue. You owe it to yourself to let this man help you sort through your feelings. As much as you irritate everyone you work with, I don't think there's anyone else who will listen to ya." Johnny offered a grin with his last statement. To his surprise Brice was able to give him one back.

"You listened."

"Yeah, well it's not like I have anything else to do around here."

Brice was led away and Dr. Morton was guiding him and his counselor to a room they could use. As they cleared the doorway Dr. Bracket stepped in the room trying to find the right words for what he wanted to say.

"Is that what you would call the blind leading the blind?" Johnny started the conversation for him.

"What I just witnessed in here is one more example to testify that I do not understand how you men think or what you go through out there. It also confirms that psychiatry is not my specialty. I've been trying to convince your Headquarters that the distanced and unemotional attitude that had them worried was just the Brice we all know and love to hate."

"Personally," John shifted his eyes to the now empty doorway, "I thought Brice needed a shrink the first time I met him."

"Yeah, well after this I can assure you that there will be more referrals for psychological evaluations in the future."

"Hey Doc, let's not get carried away here, give us a chance to work things out on our own first. You know with guys that do understand how we think and what we go through out there."

"No wonder you guys know exactly what to say to each other." Brackett also looked back at the now empty doorway, then turned his attention to what he did do best, Johnny's physical health. The door was closed and John was given a thorough going over, complete with poking and prodding. "Have you had any bloody stools or any other signs of a bleeding ulcer?" Bracket questioned. Johnny denied any and he himself had found no evidence to prompt him to do further testing in that area just yet. As far as your low platelet count I've been able to come up with a few different possibilities but for now I think we should be able to take care of the situation with some oral medications. We'll be starting you on them tonight."

John nod in understanding, "Doc, Just how bad is it?"

"Well, Johnny, the results of blood work after you were pulled off the roof were borderline, you were actually type and cross matched for a possible transfusion. But things have improved since then so for now I think the best course of action is to give the oral meds a try and keep an eye on you."

"So is this all because I was run down or is there something else causing things?" John was also in an area he felt more comfortable in.

"We're leaning heavily on that virus you had and worked through for a week." Dr. Bracket folded his arms across his chest as he spoke. "There is also a possibility that it's a result of that chemical factory fire you worked a week or so ago. I've already called the fire department and suggested they get all the men who worked that one tested. They started complaining about having them off duty but I was able to educate them on the possible complications if there is a problem and it goes untreated. We're starting to see men trickle in through the lab. It's too soon to know for sure what we might have on our hands."

Johnny lay back on his pillow while playing his fingers off the other pillow at his side. "So how long before we'll know if the drugs are going to do the trick?"

"We should have a pretty good idea by tomorrow."

Johnny sighed in relief. "Thanks, Doc."

"How are you feeling otherwise?" Dr. Brackett asked, taking the time to sit on the edge of John's bed.

John smiled; he felt certain what the doctor really wanted to know. "I find myself asking the nurse to identify every pill she brings me before I'm willing to swallow it." Johnny then looked Dr. Brackett in the eyes, "But I don't have any more desires to jump off the roof if that's what you mean."

"That's real good to hear Johnny; I hope you know that there are a whole lot of people out there that are better off because you're around. I consider myself one of them." Dr. Brackett placed a hand on John's shoulder. "I'll have to give your statement about letting you guys have a chance to work things out among yourselves in the future some thought, might even talk it over with your doctor." Kell smiled, "I can assure you though, that all of us around here will be thinking twice before we send **you** home on sedatives."

John managed a faint smile and a nod of his head. That was actually comforting to hear.

-0-

John was lying on his bed thinking hard of everything that had been said that afternoon and of all the other paramedics and police officers who had been involved at his apartment. When the nurse brought him his dinner he was unimpressed but he was still toying with it when the smell of chili dogs wafted in the room followed seconds later by a knock on the open door and Chet Kelly standing in the doorway.

"I thought you got enough of me this morning."

Chet just shook his head then walked in eyeing over what John had been given to eat before he pushed it aside and plopped his bag down in front of Johnny.

Johnny opened the bag half expecting a spring snake to jump out of it. When he noticed four of his favorite chili dogs and two orders of fries he had the bag emptied with the speed he used to hook up to a hydrant.

John had actually inhaled his first chili dog and was making good progress on his second one before he noticed Chet hadn't said a word since he arrived. Brushing it off as Chet just being hungry and eating his own chili dogs, John made short work of the rest of his food before heading to the bathroom to take care of business and wash his face.

When he returned he found that Chet had cleaned the area of all the trash and was once again sitting in the chair quietly.

'What is going on here,' Johnny thought to himself as he eyed the silent Chester Kelly. 'Do all these guys think that just because I'm seeing a shrink I know how to be one?'

Johnny sat on the bed facing his friend and nemesis and when he still didn't speak John blew out a long breath. "Ah, Chet, I'd really like to go for a walk. There a place at the end of the hall they told me about but, um, I'm still being watched kind of close, so I can't go alone and I have to be checked out at the nurse's desk."

"I'll be right back," Chet dispatched himself, handing Johnny his robe as he left the room.


	21. The Breath we Breathe

**The Breath We Breath**

Before Johnny was able to tie his robe around him and step into his slippers Chet was back at his side and the two men walked side by side into the arboretum at the end of the hall.

In various sections of the room there were small tables where visitors could play chess or whatever other game they might choose, there were also several benches to sit and rest or think.

Around the room were several planters filled with tropical and flowering plants and along one wall was a very large aquarium. Wandering around the room were other patients and Johnny was reminded that he was currently housed in a section of the oncology unit. Many of the patients there were undergoing chemotherapy and had lost their hair along with much needed weight.

Johnny was surprised by how warm the room was but it didn't take him long to figure out why. One whole wall was thick glass, there was a guard rail in front of the glass and with one look Johnny could see that the glass wall went down another floor before it met with the roof. Between the rail and the glass was about a foot of space, Johnny had no idea why they did things that way but they had. There were shades drawn on the windows that made up part of the roof but there was still some serious solar power in action. Most of the patients wandering around pushing their IV poles were surely enjoying the extra warmth.

Johnny could see himself spending some time in this room just looking up at the stars if he were allowed. He thought this might just be the perfect place to come after dark if he were still fighting with nightmares. It was for darn sure no one was going to let him up on the roof again; at least not during this hospital stay.

As John was scanning the room he noticed Chet at his side. He was giving Johnny a strange look and trying to see over the rail without drawing more of Johnny's attention to it.

"It's alright Chet, it's just a short drop down there; I couldn't hurt myself if I tried. Besides, with the railing so close to the glass, I'm not sure I'd fit down there anyway."

Chet just gave him a scowl.

"You're right, bad Joke, especially coming from me right now. I'm sorry. Go ahead and take a look maybe you can tell me why they'd do something so stupid as to put a think glass window one foot away from a solid wall."

While Chet took a good look at what Johnny had pointed out Johnny scanned the room seeing a couple of small tables that weren't in use by anyone else.

"Beats me," Chet responded to his question, "looks like a waste of expensive glass if you ask me. Whoever designed it must have gotten a kick back from the glass company."

Johnny bobbed his head at that explanation; it made more sense than anything he'd thought of. He then led Chet to the more secluded of the tables he had notice and the two sat down.

"All right, Chet, out with it," Johnny pushed.

"Out with what?"

"Come on, Chet, there has to be something on your mind; I don't think you've ever been this quiet in your whole life. Not even when your life depended on it."

"Oh, that." Chet shrugged his shoulders then leaned on his arms folded and resting on the table. "I told you this morning that I was capable of being quiet and listening. I was pretty sure you were about to say something when the guys burst in to spring you from that locked room." Chet shrugged one shoulder as he thought through his next words. "Anyhow I just figured that if I stayed quiet long enough you'd finally open up, that's all."

Johnny managed a faint lopsided grin and a sigh of relief. "It must be real hell for you to stay that quiet."

"Just like you man I can do anything I put my mind to."

John shook his head and looked around the room. Tears were threatening to leak out but he managed to stop them.

"You said this morning that you heard some of the guys talking. How much do you know?"

"I know there was blood all over the place but then I knew that the second I saw you. I heard there were a lot of shots fired and the guy that took you hostage at gun point came out in a body bag. My guess is that the guy blew his own brains out right in front of you."

Johnny blew out a breath; he was hoping in what Chet had told him that morning that talking about things would help. Hadn't he told Dr. Brackett to give them a chance to work things out with those who knew how people like him thought and what it was like for them out there? It was just hard to start talking.

"Have you ever seen anything like that?"Johnny asked looking off in the corner where a middle aged patient was being climbed all over by some very small children. There were five children in all, with two sets of parents standing by. Johnny estimated their ages to be between three and eight.

"I had something similar happen back when I was a rookie, my first week on the engine. We were called out as back up to the police on a barricaded gunman situation; they were getting ready to shoot in some tear gas and wanted us around to clean up any fire if it started. We were down the street when the gas canisters went through the window and we watched the guy lean out to get some fresh air. We thought he was going to give himself up but instead he took the gun he was shooting at the police with and put it to his own head. We were far enough away that to me it just looked like he suddenly went limp. The police went in and pulled him through the window and then we were sent in to put out the fire started by the tear gas. Since it was a smallish fire the captain let me lead in with the hose to get some experience. As soon as I saw his blood and brains smeared on the side of the building I lost it. Puked all over the ground and then turned around and puked all over my hose partner. I'm sure it was worse for you being up close and all." Chet turned the talking back over to John.

John worried his tongue across his teeth and took a couple of hesitant sobbing breaths. "I, I ah, didn't see it. I felt it. And he didn't shoot himself, the cops got him."

"I, I ah, always thought, I mean, when I was back on the reservation I spent some time learning how to use guns. My Grandfather always taught me never to shoot anywhere near people, if there was anything I cared about or didn't want to accidently hit I should never point the gun even remotely in that direction." John's breathing was coming faster and harder. "He pulled me up from the floor by the front of my bloody shirt and then locked his arm around my throat while he held the tip of the gun to my temple. For a long time before that he had been shooting at the wall around me, just to make sure I stayed where he wanted me, but I knew, I just knew that as soon as he was tired of his little game I was dead, ya know." John's hands were shaking at the memories and Chet just reached out and gave them a firm hold hoping that would help Johnny to continue.

"The cops had managed to get in through the bedroom window. The same window I pulled the kids out of earlier. There were one or two around the sliders but the cop that was doing all the talking was behind the half opened bedroom door. I remember seeing several gun barrels coming through the half opened door; at least three. I felt the gun pull away from my head and shifted my eyes to the side to see him waving the gun around a little bit as he talked. Funny I don't remember a thing anyone said. Then I felt the blood spraying on the side of my face and felt the guy's body go limp against mine while he slid to the floor. For the longest time I couldn't even move and then two cops took a hold of me and were asking if I was all right. I couldn't answer them, I honestly didn't know if I was alright or not. I'm not sure if I knew I was even alive or not. I just turned and tried to get a pulse on the guy lying dead at my feet."

John was fighting to control his breathing so Chet started talking to him. "It's alright, John, it's over now, and you're safe. Remember, you're safe now."

John reached over with his other hand and took a hold of Chet's and the two clenched their hands tight together. After three or four breaths John was under control again.

"Chet," Johnny was still holding on to his friend's hand and was comforted that he wasn't trying to pull away from him. "When you were in Viet Nam, did you, did you ever get shot at?"

"Of course, it was war, man. I was part of the army corps of engineers so I didn't get shot at as much as the front line foot soldiers. But there were a few times I had to find a hole and pray for my life."

John focused on a point straight ahead but there was no question that the only thing he could see was in his past. "I feel like I'm getting a handle on some of the things that happened that night but not everything. One I'm having trouble with is the guy shooting up the beds; the last one is the feel of the blood spraying on the side of my face. But the hardest thing for me to get a handle on right now is the memories of him shooting at me."

A scream filled the arboretum drawing the instant attention of two off duty firemen in their direction.

"Help , help, please somebody help us." A woman called and both John and Chet were on their feet running toward the screaming woman. "My nephew, please help my nephew," the woman spoke anxiously to the nurse who had also responded to the calls for help as John and Chet came up from the rear. "We were visiting with my father, and he climbed on the rail. He fell down there."

Both John and Chet stepped up and looked over the railing. In a crumpled heap on the bottom of the gap between the glass wall and the other wall was one little boy. Johnny estimated he was about four. Without a second thought, John was climbing up over the railing and positioning his body to slide down to where the boy was. Chet offered no resistance but told the nurse to call the fire department then took a hold of John's hands to help lower him to where he could help the boy. Chet's reach came to an end and Johnny had to drop the last couple of feet.

The boy was unconscious with an open laceration on the top of his head but the biggest crisis at the moment was that he had landed in a position that was cutting off his airway. In spite of the risk of spinal injuries he needed to be repositioned.

John knew he had a couple of minutes so he quickly wedged his body down so that he could run his trained and practiced hands along the boys head, neck and back. So far so good. John then carefully pulled a slight amount of traction and pulled the boys lower jaw forward. Thank heavens he started to breathe on his own because there was no way Johnny could have gotten his face down to perform mouth to mouth in such tight quarters. With the child breathing on his own Johnny was able to free one hand and with that he began to run his hands along the rest of the child's body or at least as far as he was able to reach.

"What have you got, Johnny?" Dr. Brackett's voice was heard from the railing above.

"Male, approximately four years old, unconscious with two inch laceration on the top of his scalp that was bleeding heavily but is now slowing, suspected broken arm and I can't reach his legs. He was not breathing when I got down here but I was able to open his airway and he started breathing on his own. Pulse is 90, respirations are 10, I don't have a blood pressure cuff down here and this place is too tight to use one if I did. I need a pressure bandage and some Kerlex. We're also going to need some kind of a backboard, Doc, but there is no way one is going to fit down here. Hey, what about those boards you use for the kids to tie them down so you can suture them? You know the ones with the Velcro restraints that you wrap around the kid's whole body."

"A papoose board?" Dr. Brackett supplied the product name as Dr. Morton dropped the bandaging supplies down to John.

"Yeah, one of those," John called up and then quickly ducked his head to open up the bandages and apply them to the boy's head. "I better have an arm splint too, and a c collar."

"Get it," Dr. Brackett ordered one of the nurses who had come with them, "and a gurney from the emergency department."

"Leave it to Johnny to think of that papoose board," Chet chimed in watching his friend in action with the greatest of pride. When no one commented on his comment he elaborated, "You know, him being part Indian and a papoose board?"

"What about his pupils, Johnny?"

Johnny instinctively reached for his utility pouch that he always wore on his belt but all he found was robe belt and no utility pouch. He remembered he was not on duty but was instead a patient, he paused just a second at that thought and then went back to work.

"I don't have a pen light down here." Johnny called up. Dr. Brackett pulled his from his breast pocket and dropped it to him. Johnny caught it with no difficulty.

"It's hard to get a true picture because the light is so bright down here but his right pupil is dilated for sure."

Working in such a tight space was difficult but nothing new to Johnny. Even though he was the skinniest paramedic around his hips were still too wide to turn sideways he was having to work to his side. Still by the time the supplies he had asked for were delivered John managed to get the boy's head bandaged and was gathering a second set of vitals. The boy's pulse was now up to 110 and his respirations 14.

"Do we know the boy's name?" Johnny asked as he received the c-collar and then the arm splint.

"Jason," the boy's father supplied while holding his wife tightly in his arms.

Johnny started talking to the boy and calling him by name as he worked to get him immobilized. Once the arm splint and the c-collar were in place the papoose board was handed down to him length wise and Johnny began the difficult task of getting it under the boy.

Johnny had just managed to crouch back down to his lowest possible point when the fire department arrived. It was C- shift from Station 51, a mix of Captain Tollins's crew an Hookraider's with Captain Hookraider in the lead.

"You need any help down there, Gage?" Hookraider called down.

"No room," John called up as he worked to wedge the papoose board between the child and the thick glass window. It was slow and difficult work requiring Johnny to rise to his full height a few times and carefully step over the boy to be able to ease his entire body onto the board and then secure him to it using the wide Velcro restraints.

While he was doing this Chet suggested the need for some ropes to pull both the boy and then Johnny up and Hookraider gave a nod to his linemen who ran to get them.

"You sure he's all right to be down there?" Hookraider stepped up to Dr. Brackett's side. Bracket knew exactly what the man was referring to.

"I've been watching him and he's got everything under control, besides I don't think there's another paramedic in the county who's skinny enough to get down there. To bad we've still got to do something about that."

"Then why is he here and not back on the line where he's needed?"

In Dr. Bracket's mind Hookraider was out of line, "I will not discuss my patient's medical treatment with you." Dr. Brackett spoke sternly but without either raising his voice or looking at the man. "It's none of your business."

Hookraider grunted his disapproval while mumbling something that sounded like, 'goldbricking wimp'.

The men with the ropes arrived just about the time John had the boy secured to the board and he was able to quickly tie off the board so that the victim could be raised. Since the board was not designed for this type of work there was no place to tie a rope to and Johnny had to make a more elaborate harness than he might have otherwise needed to.

By the time Jason was ready to be lifted up he was also starting to come around. The frightened cry that brought smiles to Johnny and the doctors, threw further panic into his parents and extended family members who were now being kept at a distance by hospital security.

Even with the skinnier back board affair the boy still needed to be pulled topside on his side. Johnny talked to him and held the board away from the wall and the window for as far as he could reach but Johnny's voice was not one the boy knew and he was clearly frightened.

When the boy was finally pulled over the rail and lain flat on the waiting gurney, Dr. Morton took over with his care while Dr. Brackett turned his attention back to the man still at the bottom of this man- made crevasse.

Feeling a little claustrophobic, Johnny chose not to wait for the fire team above to lower the ropes back down to him. He started to climb out by pushing against both sides of his confined area and inching himself upward. When he was high enough that he could be reached Johnny was comforted by the downward reaching hands of both Chet and Dr. Brackett. Just a few more inches higher and his arms were grabbed by others of the fire team. As he was being pulled over the railing everyone was listening to Dr. Morton explain to the parents of the still screaming little boy. "It's not hurting him in the least to cry, he's clearly frightened; I know I would be if I were in his position. But it is very important that we keep him immobilized until we've gotten a few x-rays."

"Someone must have sent Morton to bedside manner school," one of the firemen from C shift said softly as he helped Johnny get his feet over the rail and onto the floor.

Johnny smirked at the comment and then looked down to make sure his feet were on the floor before straightening up. That's when he saw the blood on his pajamas. With that sight, John froze. He didn't pass out, he didn't even feel week in the knees he was just unable to straighten up on his own and his eyes were locked on the blood soaked leg of his pajamas.

-0-

"Johnny!" he heard the sharp shout from Dr. Brackett as he felt his breath on his face. When his eyes focused on the face in front of him he was also aware that Dr. Brackett was holding his face forcing him to look at him. Johnny was unsure how much time had passed but his pajama leg was sticking to his skin and he wanted to see why.

Brackett stopped Johnny's efforts to look down. Johnny then felt someone rubbing his back and turned to see who it was. Brackett allowed that movement and Johnny's eyes soon met the concerned smile of Chet Kelly. Johnny was assisted to sit on the edge of one of the planters as he sorted his memory for what was happening.

"Is the kid going to be all right?"

"Well, Johnny, as you know it looks like he landed on his head. But he has regained consciousness and he is moving his arms and legs so I think we're going to be able to chalk this one up to kids that age bouncing." Brackett's voice was joking but his eyes were watching Johnny closely.

When a wheel chair was rolled up next to them Johnny looked back at Brackett. "I can walk."

"Humor me." Brackett worked to help John slide over into the chair as he took a blanket and tried to quickly cover the blood on Johnny's pajamas.

"You don't have to hide it, Doc." Johnny took hold of the blanket and pulled it away. "I can handle it now; it's just the blood from that kid's head wound." John looked at his pajamas and then back at both Chet and Dr. Brackett. "I know when I first saw it I was thinking about the other morning but there's really no comparison. There is nowhere near as much blood as there was the last time and then it was mostly all over from my waist up, not on my leg."

"Just the same, what do you say we go get you cleaned up?" Dr. Brackett suggested as he quickly took control of the wheel chair and headed for Johnny's room.

"I can agree to that."

-0-

John was just finishing up in the shower when he noticed that a clean pair of his pajamas and fresh underwear had been laid out on a chair just inside the room. As he dried himself off he thought about what he had been thinking after he'd been pulled over the rail. Hookraider had no idea how his voice echoed down into the space he was in, although he whispered he might as well been whispering into a microphone.

He was still trying to analyze his thoughts when he stepped out of the bathroom. Chet was there waiting for him and Johnny could see the concern in his eyes as he looked him over.

"I'll be okay, Chet, you don't have to hang around."

"Is that a kind way of saying 'get lost', or are you worrying that I have something better to do?"

John moved over to the freshly made bed and made himself comfortable on top of all the bedding. Chet sat down on the foot of the bed facing him and said nothing. After the talk in the arboretum John knew what that meant.

"I guess it's the latter," Johnny finally spoke, "but I don't want to continue our conversation right now."

"Then I'll stay, I kinda want to find out how that kid comes out anyway. Oh by the way, Brackett said he'd send someone to tell you how things come out with the kid."

There was silence for a moment, John felt contemplative but calm, calmer than he had for a while.

The silent companionship was interrupted by a knock on the open door drawing Johnny's attention to Dr. Winslow standing there. "May I come in?"

"Yeah, Doc, come on in," Johnny waved his hand in a beckoning motion. "Did they call you about me or is this a scheduled session I didn't know about?"

"I've gotten a couple of calls. Seems you've had a very interesting afternoon," Dr. Winslow commented as he moved in and took the chair that was still positioned next to the bed to facilitate conversation.

"I guess this is my invitation to leave." Chet excused himself as he got to his feet and headed for the door. Before he got there though there was another knock on the still open door.

"Hi, Dix," Johnny greeted with a smile.

"I'm sorry," Dixie seemed to be directing her comments to Dr. Winslow, "I didn't know I was interrupting. Kell just asked me to come tell you that the boy you rescued is going to be fine. There's a small skull fracture on the top of his head and his arm pulled into proper alignment with a little traction. He should be as good as new as soon as the bones heal."

"That's great, Dix." Johnny added a sigh of relief to his words. "Thanks."

"Well, I better get back." Dixie excused herself, "I'll come back and check on you after my shift is over." She then let Chet Kelly exit the room before pulling the door closed behind her. John was once again alone with Dr. Winslow.

"So tell me," Dr. Winslow started the conversation, "do you usually get such a detailed medical report on your victims?"

"Yeah, most of the time, in fact, that's what keeps people like us going. It's the breath we breathe; I don't think any of us could keep doing the job we do without reminders that we make a difference; that there's a reason for us to be out there when everything goes wrong."

"Johnny, I've been really impressed by what I've been told about how you've handled your visitors today, as well as the situation with the little boy who fell. Tell me about what happened after you finished rescuing the boy. Tell me what happened when you saw the blood on your pajamas."

"It wasn't the blood, Doc." Johnny was ready to talk, eager in fact for someone else to hear his thoughts and to see if they made as much sense to someone else as they were making to him. "Well, maybe it was just a little but that wasn't all of it. It was also the mother."

Johnny was struggling with his words; he pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. Dr. Winslow was quick to notice that the extra pillows were still on the bed, within easy reach but not sought after. As much as his patient wasn't sure how to tell him what he was thinking he wasn't anxious or panicked, just very contemplative. "Take your time, Johnny, tell me what had you so upset."

"No, no, I wasn't upset. It was, well it was more of a, I don't know, kinda like, maybe it was, I don't know for sure."

"Just tell me what happened, and we'll figure it out together."

"I got the kid packaged and they pulled him up. He was coming around and he was scared. He was crying, actually he was screaming his little head off. I knew the kid's crying was tearing his mother up to hear it but to me and the other medical workers the sound of the boy screaming was music to our ears.

"When they pulled me back up Dr. Morton was explaining that the boy wasn't hurting himself by crying; he told the mother that he knew the child was afraid but that the best thing they could do was to let him cry and keep him tied down until they got x-rays and found out just how bad he was hurt." Johnny was still looking straight ahead allowing his eyes to see what his mind was trying to process and nothing more.

"When I looked down and saw the blood on my pajamas I remembered being back at the apartment, I remembered just after that guy forced me off the balcony at gun point. No, wait a minute; it was, it was a few minutes later." John's eyes floated around the room as he shook his pointer finger and then rubbed his jaw. "It was when the guys' on the engine sent up a water stream at the sliders. I was sure it was to block the guy's view so that they could pull the other cop off the balcony and I was relieved that they were taking care of him.

"That's when the guy, the woman's husband, started shooting through the water. I was worried that he might hit someone but I knew he was shooting blind and there was nothing I could do about it so I wasn't really all that worried if you know what I mean." John gave Dr. Winslow a quick glance but in an instant his eyes were once again focusing on what his mind was processing. Focusing as an observer more than a participant of what he was remembering. "I took the opportunity to check on the woman while he was busy shooting. She was lying on the floor all twisted up and looked pretty bad from across the room, but as soon as I placed my fingers on her neck, her pulse was bounding and I could see easily that she was breathing all right, When I touched her she opened her eyes and when she saw it was me, she put some life in her eyes. She, she ah, whispered 'Children?' and I was able to whisper back, no, it was more like I just mouthed the words, but I told her, I said, 'they're safe'.

John had stopped talking and his emotions were starting to show through his studious expression. Dr. Winslow leaned forward in his chair, his intent was to take hold of the comfort pillow and place it in John's lap but he stopped short when John suddenly turned to face him.

"I don't know how long we were in there, it could have only been a few minutes but it felt like days. I'm really, really going to need your help to deal with what happened while I was in there but when I saw Dr. Morton and the hospital security officer holding that mother away from her crying son, I knew." Johnny paused in his speaking again but continued to look into Dr. Winslow's eyes.

"I knew that with all the things her husband was saying about blowing the kids away, and there being blood all over the room, and about his pleasure in watching them die, there's no way she could have just laid there playing dead if she hadn't have known her children were safe. She wouldn't have wanted to live if she thought they were dead. That man, her husband, all he wanted to do was hurt her. Hurt her in every way possible. I'm as sure as I know you're sitting in that chair that if she had as much as opened her eyes he would have blown her away. He would have killed her in the worst way possible. He was that full of anger and hatred."

John was breathing hard again in sobbing, hitched breaths but he kept his eyes locked on the doctor in the room with him. The doctor he was counting on to help him make sense of all that had happened to him, and get his life in order again.

"I'd been thinking about what Brice said earlier. That if I'd followed the rule book I wouldn't have been taken hostage, but when I saw that mother fighting to get to her child, I, well I realized that, that the other mother was able to do what she had to do to survive because I'd told her that her children were safe.

"I know this must sound totally egotistical but I realized that my being there made a difference. That second long conversation, the conversation of only three words made all the difference in her and I getting out of there alive." John paused panting from the excitement he had put in the story he'd been telling. "I made a difference."


	22. Forward

**Forward **

Dr. Winslow quietly stepped out of Johnny's room and headed straight for the nurse's desk where he pulled the patient chart from the rack and started writing. Pausing as if he could feel eyes on him, Dr. Winslow looked to the end of the hallway to see a small crowd waiting there. He recognized enough faces to know that they were waiting for news of John Gage.

Dr. Winslow quickly finished the new orders for his patient; he would take the lazy way out of his detailed charting this time and talk it into a tape recorder for someone else to type up later. When he was done he handed the chart to the nurse at the desk advising her to read his instructions carefully and to make sure the next shift understood them as well. He then walked toward Dr. Brackett who stood at the head of the group.

"I see someone called in the cavalry," Dr. Winslow commented and gestured with a nod of his head toward the group gathered behind Dr. Brackett.

"I did," Chet sheepishly admitted with a hesitantly upheld hand. "I thought Roy should know and Cap, too. Then I needed to talk to someone so I called Marco. I'm not sure who called Mike but I'm glad they did."

"I promised to check in on him after my shift was over," Dixie added.

"He's our patient too," Dr. Morton stepped up beside Dr. Brackett.

"We did decide to let Dr. Early sleep," Dr. Brackett added with a smile. "He's scheduled to be back here at six in the morning."

Dr. Winslow smiled and shook his head at the gathered group. After all that had been said during the phone calls he'd received and during the hour he'd just spent with John, he was growing very aware that he wasn't John Gages only counselor.

"How bad of a setback has he sustained?" Captain Stanley questioned while holding his breath.

"Not a setback," Dr. Winslow was quick to respond with his hands raised slightly in a stop that thought gesture. "Mr. Gage has rather made a very remarkable breakthrough." The good doctor smiled again at the men gathered.

"Are you going to sedate him tonight?" Roy questioned, not sure what even he thought was best.

"I have ordered something for him but not till much later this evening," Dr. Winslow offered. "It's important for John to have some time and finish processing the breakthrough he's made." When he was finished speaking Dr. Winslow looked at the gathered firemen and gave a tilt of his head toward John's room.

The men looked at him with uncertainty not sure at all what the motion they had just seen meant.

"No partying please, and let's keep the visit short, say, no more than twenty minutes, it's in Mr. Gage's best interest to be able to sleep well tonight."

With smiles on their faces the men nearly ran in the direction of John's room. Before they reached their destination Dr. Winslow gave the same gestured motion to Dixie. "You better go and make sure they behave themselves." She followed the men with a smile.

-0-

It was nearly lights out at station 51 and Captain Hookraider was putting the men through a late night cleaning blitz. This is how he was found when the battalion chief showed up with a Captain Robbins to take his place. "You've just been given a special assignment," the Chief offered as the only explanation. "You're to come with me."

The rest of the men were surprised, but pleasantly so, as Captain Hookraider was lead through the door. As soon as he was in the Chief's car and it pulled out of the drive Captain Robbins asked for help to carry in some ice cream for an evening snack.

"I must admit that I'm confused, Sir," Hookraider said, finally breaking the silence. "Can you give me more details about this special assignment?"

"Not really, you'll be briefed when we get to where we're going. All I know is that it's some kind of an inspection they want us to participate in."

Hookraider positioned himself facing more forward in the chief's car. 'Finally someone is listening to me when I complain that they're not being thorough enough on inspections these days' he thought to himself as he prepared to show them how he thought things should be done.

Twenty minutes later Hookraider and the Chief were parked and walking up to a building. Before they entered they walked past two more cars from headquarters and when they stepped inside Hookraider was surprised to see The Deputy Chief whose ear he had been bending lately about all the men on what he called goldbrick leave. The man seemed to share his opinion that the men were being mollycoddled when what they really needed was a swift kick in the rear and to be sent back to work.

He was quite surprised when the fourth fireman in uniform turned around to face them and it turned out to be Chief Houts, the man in charge of the entire County Fire Department.

Standing with the high Chief were three high ranking police officers and one tall thin man he believed to be in his late forties to mid fifties and wearing a suit.

Together the eight men pulled close in the elevator as they headed for the third floor. When they stepped out they were all assaulted by the smell of decaying human blood and other bodily fluids. The police officers took the lead and the man in the suit followed closely behind. It was he that the police turned to and talked as they walked.

"My men were using this corner for cover." Their attention was turned to a section of wall clear full of bullet holes. "One man tried to make a move on the gunman and was hit in the stomach just to the side of the protective panel on his bullet proof vesti. He went down here." The narrative continued as the men's attention was drawn to a large blood stain on the floor, wall and bullet riddled door.

A set of keys were taken from a file and the door was opened and a light turned on before the men were led through it as the man with the file continued to read. "The police officer was pulled in here where he received treatment for his wounds."

They were all directed to a much larger pool of blood that stained the carpeting and the sofa in the middle of the room. To anyone who was looking, and the man in the suit was, the Deputy Chief and Captain Hookraider were growing quite pale.

"More of my men were able to make entrance into this room to offer cover but it also gave them a vantage point to keep the gunman down. That explains the number of bullet holes in the door and walls of this room. When a second officer was wounded he was pulled against that wall there, where he received treatment for his wounds. And then the occupant of this apartment heard that the gunman had managed to enter the next apartment and went out that door to rescue, let me see…" the police officer turned a page in the file he was reading, "yes, four children."

The men were led out onto a balcony but the Deputy Chief along with Hookraider stood rooted to the middle of the living room, the Battalion Chief at their sides watching over them as he had been instructed to do. The Deputy Chief's eyes were locked on the blood stain at his feet. Hookraider managed to turn his eyes around the room. He started to count the holes in the wall but stopped when his eyes found the blood smeared on the wall in the area they had been told the second police officer had received his first treatment.

"The man that rescued the children jumped across these railings?" the man in the suit inquired.

"That's right."

"And then the children were helped back across this same span to this apartment?"

"That's correct."

There was some discussion among those present about jumping over to the next balcony but it was unanimously voted that middle aged bodies were not up to the leap so they began to move back through the apartment to enter the next apartment through the door. The Deputy Chief remained rooted to his spot in the living room as the rest of the men left. Hookraider was so eager to get away from the sights and smells that it wasn't until he was standing at the next door waiting for them to open it that he began to realize that the apartment he just left must belong to John Gage.

The next door was harder to open, it had a panel of plywood nailed to the door and then nailed to the wall just beyond the door casing. Once the nails were removed, the door was swung back and all were able to see that the area where the doorknob belonged was gone as was a large section of the door frame.

No lights were turned on this time and the men who were able to continue with the tour, were led quickly by flashlight to the other balcony were they grouped together to see the open window and the blood splattered over the outside wall and floor of the deck."

"This is where the third officer was shot in the neck," their tour guide started again. "He was shot through that window."

Those who could pull away from the blood stains on the deck their eyes grew wide at the sight of bedding material shredded, full of holes and scattered around the room. A few also noticed the the bedroom door that bore the tell tale signs of being kicked in.

The tall thin man in the suit began to understand the anxiety his patient was feeling as he remembered seeing those beds being shot apart while he held the last of the children he had managed to pull to safety and flattened his body to the wall. The gun that did the damage he was now observing must have been very high powered indeed.

"Now was it from here that the fireman was forced into the apartment at gun point?" Dr. Winslow pushed the narrator forward.

"Yes, all officers reported that he stood in a manor to protect the injured officer from being shot at. Once he was in the apartment the fire department sent up a water jet from below to provide a screen behind which the injured police officer was retrieved."

"How long was it after the Police officer was retrieved from the balcony that those in the other apartment were evacuated?" Chief Houts asked with a very thoughtful expression.

"It took us about twenty minutes to get protective shields up and arrange passage through the apartment across the hall."

"And during all of that time shots were being fired?" Chief Houts asked again.

"Yes. The gunman who was then in this apartment was actively shooting for most of that time. He had three hand guns and had picked up the injured officer's gun, which enabled him to get quite a few shots off before he needed to reload."

Dr. Winslow was interested in seeing one important spot in this apartment. He hoped this little tour would help him help the man whose actions he was very impressed with. As he stepped closer to the sliding glass door that led back into the apartment he could see that the still stunned and growing paler Deputy Chief was being led into the apartment from the first apartment they visited. Captain Hookraider, who was standing at his side was growing greener with each passing scene also.

"Where was it that you believe Mr. Gage was held?" Dr. Winslow asked as he stepped through the door. It was Chief Houts who took hold of Hookraider's arm and guided him in behind the police officers that followed Dr. Winslow through the door and then quickly moved in front of him to lead the way.

Soon four flashlights were illuminating the corner of the living room. Multiple bullet holes filled the wall around a center shape that was just a little larger than the body size of one John Gage.

"Just how many bullets were fired into that corner?" Dr. Winslow asked. That was one question John had not been able to answer; he could only tell the doctor that he had been shot at three separate times but multiple shots each time.

"We've counted twenty-one," the officer with the notes answered after turning to the proper page in the file. "According to the two officers that were covering the front door, they were able to see a reflections of the gunman in that glass window on the cupboard door, it was open to the perfect angle for them at the time. They report," the man pulled his own flashlight out to better see the written statements. "And I quote: 'On three occasions during the standoff the gunman started firing one or more weapons into an area outside their view, always declaring when he stopped firing, "I still have one more bullet in the chamber so if you know what's good for you you'll stay right where you are."

"Both police officers report that he was enjoying some perverse pleasures from tormenting his captives. On the second of said attacks he used two guns, one in each hand. Emptying one of the guns but he made it clear that he still had one bullet in one of the guns plus another fully loaded gun on the counter next to him."

"And just how long were the captives held and subjected to this man's perverse pleasures?" Anger was creeping into Dr. Winslow's voice.

"A little over two and a half hours, Sir," the police officer informed, his own voice grim with understanding of the emotional trauma to all involved. That was the point when Hookraider could no longer keep his stomach contents down; he was heaving into a kitchen garbage can. The Deputy Chief was wavering on his feet so the Battalion Chief and police officer at his side pulled a kitchen chair over and helped him to sit down before he fell down.

"You better put his head between his knees," Dr. Winslow advised, but made no effort to do it himself. He was guilty of deriving his own perverse pleasures in the torment that was being inflicted on these two men. The others were handling this little tour although their faces were pale with horror; they were able to keep standing because they had previously accepted the horror that was contained within the two apartments. For the other two to accept such meant they would have to accept that some of the men who had been there needed some time to regroup.

While Hookraider and the Deputy Chief, who was overseeing department coverage, were being pulled back together, Dr. Winslow asked for and received more answers about the final minutes John had spent in that apartment. Yes, John Gage had made a great difference in the lives of several people while he was here. Now all he had to do was learn to deal with the torture he had to endure in the process.

"Well, men, thank you for this little tour; as horrific as it was it will help me as I work with my patients. Chief Houts, as far as that complaint we talked about at length earlier today, well, I'd like to quote an old Indian saying that goes something like this. 'Before you can judge a man fairly you must walk one mile in his moccasins.' It is my opinion by the appearance on the two main complainant's faces at this moment that is something that they failed to do. I have no intentions of changing my stand as to when those in my care will be signed off for return to duty, and I will hold firm to no overtime for a period of at least two months when they do return. Some of them may need longer than that. I will also make that same recommendation to all of the other counselors in my group. Oh, and I would highly recommend that these two men be stood down for a psychological evaluation. I would also recommend for their sake that it be someone other than me who does that evaluation."

"But all that is impossible." The Deputy Chief had recovered somewhat. "We're not able to fully staff our stations as it is right now, not with all the men that were sent to help fight the wild fires."

"I would suggest you call them back and let the state call on the National Guard, or you could call on the National Guard to fulfill your needs."

"But the National Guard medics don't have the same training as our paramedics and that's what we're short on the most right now."

"They have nurses," Dr. Winslow countered, not willing to back down one inch.

"But they don't have anyone who is trained and experienced in our rescue procedures or with our equipment like our firemen are."

"If we don't start taking better care of our people," Chief Houts showed a full grasp of the situation at hand, "neither will we."

-0-

"Alright, John, I'm going to wake you up now, It's all right to remember what we've talked about but most of all remember that you're safe now. Hold on tight to that feeling of safety; remember to see your memories as if you're watching a movie. When I count to ten you'll be fully awake. One, two, three, you can feel your fingers and toes moving, four, five, six, your eyes are feeling lighter, and you're feeling rested and ready to wake, seven, eight, wider and wider awake, nine, ten."

John slowly opened his eyes and took in a deep breath before looking around the room. He then looked down at his chest. The molded and indented stuffing inside of the pillows told the story of him holding it tight against his chest and molding it with his fists to release his terror.

Right now John felt a strange sense of peace and calm and he was holding onto that feeling with every mental ability he had.

"How are you feeling right now?" Dr. Winslow pulled John's attention back on him.

John took another deep breath and turned his attention inward. "I don't know for sure, but better, I think."

"Your feelings of uncertainty are understandable. Don't feel ashamed, just allow them and think them through. In the sessions to come you and I will work together to determine how best to get those memories under control and in time they will fade in their intensity. You're greatest vulnerability will be while you're sleeping because you are not in control of your thoughts while you are asleep. In time those will calm down also but you may have nightmares for some time yet. The best thing you can do is to accept that and find a way to remind yourself that it's just a dream. A dream caused by a memory but that memory can't harm you. Do you understand that?"

John took a moment to let his mind process the things he'd been told. He then gave a nod of his head before adding a verbal, "Yeah, I think so."

"Good," Dr. Winslow gave his watch a quick glance before getting up from his chair and opening the door to remove the sign that read 'Counseling session in progress; do not disturb'. With the sign in his hands he once again returned to his seat.

"We're going to be working on different visual imagery to help you take control of these memories, but, John, I need to warn you that we are going to have to be very careful in what imagery we choose."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"Okay, let's say for instance that we were to choose the imagery of having a secret force field around you that would deflect all bullets shot in your direction and at some point during a rescue once your back to work, you're dealing with someone who has a gun and is shooting at you."

"I could pull up that imagery to deal with the shooting and start to think I'm invincible and not stay undercover like I should." John showed his understanding of what the doctor was trying to explain.

"Exactly,"

"How long is all of this going to take?"

"That's difficult to say for sure, but you have made more progress in the little over 72 hours since you left your apartment building than I would expect someone in your position to make in a month of treatment. You need to allow yourself to take whatever time you need but you are also doing an amazing job of taking control of your memories and feelings so far."

"Yeah, well I've had a lot of help. Thank you."

"You're welcome, John. I usually get to work with the bad guys who are trying to abuse the system and get off without punishment or at least reduce their time in jail. It's been a real pleasure to work with a true hero this time around."

"I'm not a hero," John spoke quickly and adamantly. "I was just doing what I've been trained to do, Just trying to do what was right."

Dr. Winslow waited for a moment then reached up and placed a hand on John's shoulder before using an outstretched thumb to lift Johnny's chin til Johnny was looking at him. "Isn't that a definition of a hero?"

A knock on the door interrupted the two men and Dr. Winslow was quick to call out, "Come in."

The door opened and Roy stepped in. "I'm sorry," he said as soon as he saw Dr. Winslow. "I thought John's session was over."

"It is," Dr. Winslow was quick to reply as he waved Roy into the room. "I just deliberately hung around waiting for you. I have a question or two for you if I may?"

"Sure, what do you want to know?"

"Have you been able to make contact with John's landlady to find out when his apartment will be ready to occupy?"

"Ah, yes, I talked with her this morning. The repair crews will be in this afternoon so she doesn't know for sure yet how long it will take but she's guessing at least two weeks."

"Are you able to get any of John's things from his apartment?"

"The police brought most of his clothes and the dream catcher his mother made for him, to him here at the hospital before he was sent to Dwyer's. Dwyer brought most of that stuff to my house yesterday. Me and the guys cleared out all of his camping gear from his storage closet this morning and it and his truck are at my place. Oh, and the Indian blanket that he put over the railing to signal the right balcony has been released by the police. I took it to the dry cleaners on my way here; it should be ready sometime later this afternoon."

"Good, good. One more question, since all of John's stuff is at your house might I assume that your daughter's request of me yesterday is accurate and that John would be accepted as a guest for a few days?"

"Once he's out of here he's not going anywhere else but my place for a few days, at least not if my TWO children have anything to say about it. Chris is already stacking up the board games he wants to play with Johnny here. He's also looking forward to Johnny helping him work on his pitching arm. Jenny's been stacking up story books she wants to read with him. If you know what I mean."

"So tell me, Johnny," Dr. Winslow turned his attention to his patient who was showing a fare amount of surprise at the topic of conversation between his doctor and Roy DeSoto, "how do you feel about getting out of this place?"

Johnny shifted his gaze between his friend and his doctor before focusing on his doctor. "Do you think I'm ready?"

"I think we still have a lot of work to do but it's important for you to learn how to function out there in the real world. Yes, I do think you're ready to move into an outpatient treatment plan. I'll still want to see you every day in my office, at least until the end of the week at which point we will make a decision for the next week. So what do you say?"

Johnny turned to Roy, "I'm not sure what kind of a guest I'll be."

"Johnny," Roy moved over in front of Johnny and squatted down to be closer to his level, "I don't know why but I know you haven't wanted to talk with me about what happened to you. I know you've talked with Chet and that's alright with me. I'm just glad that you're talking and that it's helping. But I also want you to remember that I served in the war, too. I was a medic on the front lines and I think I have a pretty good idea what it was like for you that night in your apartment. Whatever works for you, I'll agree to, but I hope you understand that I'll always be there to listen and if you do talk to me I'll be able to understand. We'd love to have you stay with us for as long as you need to. Please don't disappoint Chris and Jenny."

"You're sure, you're not afraid I'll take off with the kids or anything?"

Roy couldn't contain his smile, "If you do take off with my kids, Junior, I know they'll have the time of their lives and that you'll bring them right back the very second they start one of their silly little brother and sister arguments."

Johnny smirked and couldn't contain his own smile.

"So what do ya say partner, will you let us take you home with us?"

John's emotions were threatening to overflow and all he could do was nod his head affirmatively.

"Great!" Dr. Winslow slapped his knee. "I'll get the paperwork processed and your medications ordered. You should be ready to go in an hour. Might I ask one personal favor of you, Mr. DeSoto?"

"Sure Doc," Roy answered, wondering what the favor could possibly be.

"Might I be the one to tell your young daughter the good news?"

-0-

Two good friends walked side by side into the arboretum, one still in pajamas and a robe. Roy kept a worried smile on his friend as he rubbed his back while they walked. Johnny had red rimmed eyes but managed one of his crocked smiles as he walked making sure to watch where he was going. Dr. Winslow followed along one step behind and half a step to the side.

John was quick to notice that the benches that had been lined up along the railing in front of the window had been removed and then he saw Jenny.

"Uncle Johnny!" she called and started running in his direction. "I was thinking Daddy got lost."

"That was my fault young lady." Dr. Winslow stepped forward. "I needed a few minutes to find the answer to the question you asked me yesterday. Jenny looked confused.

"Do you remember the question you asked me yesterday morning?" Jenny could only shake her head.

"Let me see if I can remember just what it was." Dr. Winslow put his finger to the side of his head and a thinking hard expression on his face. "If I remember right you asked me how many of your special hugs it would take before you could take your Uncle Johnny to your house until he got all the way better. Is that the question you had for me?"

Jenny's eyes flew wide with excitement. "How many Doctor? I'll give 'em to him, all he needs."

Dr. Winslow gave Johnny a quick glance out of the corner of his eye trying to decide just how strangled he was willing to become. Then he turned back to Jenny.

"Just one," he held up one finger and watched the girl launch herself in to his patient's arms.

i


	23. Funny How a Mind Works Sometimes

**Funny How a Mind Works Sometimes**

The only clothes John had at the hospital were pajamas and his robe. Dwyer had not wanted to tempt him to leave before he was released so that was all that he had brought for him. Roy was willing to run home and get him some clothes but John thought that was all rather senseless. There was no good reason he couldn't leave the hospital in his pajamas, they were his after all, not the hospital's one size never covers anyone, pajamas.

After Dr. Winslow had written the release orders he returned to the arboretum to explain or rather to help John explain to the DeSoto family what he needed from them. Dr. Winslow was able to speak to Jenny and Chris on their level and explain that Johnny might get frightened by his memories and that something simple could remind him about some really scary things that happened to him. He also explained that he wouldn't want to tell them about it because it was too scary.

The children were told about Johnny's special pillows and how they helped him. Before the wheelchair arrived to take Johnny to the car, Dr. Winslow 'prescribed' two of Jenny's hugs each day, one in the morning and one at night, for the rest of the week. More if it looked like he needed them.

They were all laughing now on their way to the DeSoto residence. Johnny was sitting in the middle of the back seat of JoAnne's station wagon, Chris on one side of him and Jenny on the other. When they arrived home Roy and JoAnne hurried into the house. Roy was carrying Johnny's duffel and meds while JoAnne was carefully carrying his dream catcher. She knew the perfect place to hang it while Johnny was staying with them.

Both adult DeSoto's were standing in the living room watching with interest as the two children held onto Johnny's hands and pulled him toward the house telling him of all they had planned for him.

The two youngsters had just gotten Johnny in the house and closed the door behind him when the phone started to ring.

Johnny's face froze with the look of terror and his breathing quickened, sending everyone in the DeSoto household into action.

-0-

"So tell me, Johnny, how did your first day out of the hospital go?" Dr. Winslow asked at the start of John's first outpatient session.

John smirked; he was still taking in the less than office appearance of Dr. Winslow's office. It really did look more like a living room; not a desk in sight. "Well, things kind of got off to a rough start; we had all just gotten into the house when the phone started ringing." Johnny paused trying to remember if he'd told the doctor about his reaction to a ringing phone while he was at Dwyer's place. He then remembered the phone in his hospital room had never rung. Not once while he was at Rampart.

"The phone triggered a flashback of when I was in the apartment. I had tried to make a move for the phone that the gunman was just letting ring. That was the first time he shot at me to keep me where he wanted me."

"So what happened while you were going through this flashback?"

"I froze like a statue. I knew it was all in my head, that I wasn't being shot at, but I still froze. Roy hurried to my side to help me sit down and Chris ran up the stairs like a herd of horses. I had just sat down on the sofa when JoAnne called out that the phone was for Roy. Before Roy could take the phone from his wife, Chris was back shoving his Snoopy pillow in my chest and pulling my arms around it."

John looked over at Dr. Winslow with a smile. "Doc, I have to tell you, it was a little embarrassing to be hugging a kid's Snoopy pillow over something as every day, every minute at the DeSoto house, as a phone call. But even as embarrassed as I was it was downright hilarious to have a five year old girl throw her arms around my neck and hold me tight while telling me not to worry, she'd protect me from the big bad phone."

Johnny wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do but he was laughing. "That really did the trick for me. Every time I heard the phone ring after that, I could hear Jenny in my head telling me she wouldn't let the big bad phone hurt me and before the end of the day I wasn't even having flashbacks when the phone rang anymore. In fact I'd start laughing almost every time. I also think it helped that the phone was answered right away and not just let ring. I don't think it rang more than twice on any given phone call and I really noticed that as being different from when I was, you know, being held at gun point."

"That was a very good observation, and I think it's remarkable that you managed to work that out by yourself so quickly. So did the phone ring a lot?"

"Yeah," Johnny spoke with emphasis. "The kid's friends called wanting them to come play, Chris's scout master called three times with information about an upcoming service project they're doing, JoAnne's friends were calling about some PTA thing they're working on, her mother called twice to talk to her about her visit next month, her sister called to talk about said visit and Roy got a few calls from one of the neighbors asking to borrow tools to put his new garbage disposal in. I'm pretty sure he wanted Roy to come help him but Roy wouldn't leave my side; not after the way I reacted when I first got there. Oh, and all of the guys from the station called to check on me and to find out how I was doing."

"So, beside's dealing with the phone and, it sounds like neutralizing it as a trigger for your flashbacks, what else did you do on your first day out of the hospital?"

"I laid around most of the day. I did convince Roy to take me shopping at a little store I know of that carries leather working supplies. When Dwyer brought my Dream Catcher to me in the hospital he said that he'd slept under it one night and thought it worked. I don't know if he was joking with me or not but I wanted to make one for him. And while I was at it I made one each for Chris and Jennifer and one for Roy and JoAnne's room. Then some of Chris's friends came over and were fascinated by what I was doing so I showed them how to make them and each of the guys made one to take home. Cap came by to visit with me while I was making them and suggested I make one to have at the fire station. He said all firemen could use something to keep the nightmares away from time to time. So I basically just kept making them till I ran out of supplies. In fact JoAnne ran back to the store and bought more metal rings and leather stripping for me while I was making them.

"That reminds me, Doc, here's one for you." John pulled a Dream Catcher out of the bag he brought with him to his counseling session. Maybe you can use it with some of your other patients or to hypnotize someone with or something like that."

"Thank you, John, this is quite beautiful. I think I'll hang it over my bed at home if you don't mind? I could stand to have my bad dreams filtered out of my sleep as much as anyone."

John was honored by the sentiment and only able to smile and nod his head to show his approval.

"So tell me about the rest of your day?"

"Well, since I have this restraining order against me to stay away from those kids I abducted, Roy and JoAnne called Dwyer and invited him over for dinner so that I could give him his Dream Catcher. After dinner we sat on Roy's patio and talked, just Roy, Dwyer and I until it was time to go to bed."

"What did you men talk about?"

"Dwyer's and my therapies mostly; I have to say between the two of us I think I've got the better therapist." John smiled at his doctor. "Dwyer feels like his is just pushing him to get him back to work and isn't listening to how he feels or helping him deal with his feelings."

"He can always change doctors."

"That's what I told him, but he's afraid it won't look good on his service record, so I don't think he will." John paused and looked around the room again. "I figure we can talk together maybe even get some of the others that were at my place that night together and just talk, you know over a beer or at a barbeque or something like that."

"You firemen do that a lot when you have a bad run don't you?"

John nodded his head in agreement with the doctor's last statement. "You can't find anyone who understands you better than the people that are in it with you. The biggest thing is that you realize you're not alone and, well, when you see that what you have to say helps someone else, it helps you that much more."

"How did you sleep last night? Were there any nightmares that you can remember?"

"I slept about the same as I did the last couple of nights in the hospital. The sedative you sent home from the hospital helped but I still woke up several times. I think it's getting easier to calm down when that happens and get back to sleep, but I still have a ways to go."

"Do you have any idea how long you were able to sleep between waking?"

"I was trying to watch the clock like we talked about at my last session in the hospital. I was averaging about three to four hours of sleep at a whack; the bedding is looking a little better in the morning. Not as many knots in the sheets."

"That's all well and good, but my goal is to get you sleeping at least six hours straight, without sedatives, before I release you for duty. At the rate you're going, I won't be surprised if you reach that goal before your other situations are resolved. "

"I have to admit, Doc, when I was first hauled into Rampart after things from the apartment started to set in, I didn't think I'd ever be able to close my eyes without heavy sedatives."

"Can you tell me about your dreams, what they're about?"

"Mostly the same ones we've talked about before; being shot at and the blood splattering on the side of my face; the beds getting blown up and all. I think I'm finally able to see 'stuff' under the blankets instead of the kids in my dreams now, at least part of the time. Last night I woke up after dreaming that someone was trying to kidnap Jenny and Chris."

"Tell me about that dream, who was doing the kidnapping? How were you involved during your dream?"

"I didn't know the kidnapper, couldn't see his face. It was just some big honk'n dude who threw Chris over one shoulder and Jenny over the other and started running. I was trying to catch up with him and get the children back. When I woke up I was quick to realize it was just a dream, but I still had to go look in on the kids before I was able to go back to sleep. Roy heard me moving around the house and was at my side as soon as I pulled Chris's door shut."

Johnny kept talking but he didn't relate everything that he remembered. He had just backed out of Chris's room, pulling the door shut. He had pulled the young boy's blankets around him and watched him breathing for a moment before he left his room. Just as the door clicked shut, Johnny felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned with a start to see Roy standing behind him.

"I wasn't going to take them, I swear. I just had a bad dream and needed to see that they were all right before I could go back to sleep. Please believe me, I wasn't going to take them."

"It's okay, alright, calm down," Roy said quietly so that he didn't waken everyone else in the house. "I know you would never do anything to harm my children in any way. It's alright. I just heard someone moving around and came to see what was going on." Roy then rubbed the frightened friend's back for a moment while he got his breathing under control.

"My guess is that you haven't made it to Jenny's room yet." John shook his head to confirm Roy's hunch. "What do you say we go check on her and then get you settled back in bed? I bet you'd like a glass of warm milk."

The two of them together walked the few steps to the next room and Roy quietly opened the door and gestured for John to go first. John was horrified to find the bed empty and quickly raced for the window to find it shut and locked.

Roy was quickly at his side and turned him around to face him before trying to calm him down. "I think I know where she is. Let's not panic just yet." Roy talked very calmly, not yet worried in the least that something had happened to his sweet little daughter. He then took Johnny by the arm and pulled him back into the hallway and down the stairs to the guest room. Just as Roy had suspected, Jenny was found curled up in the arm chair that sat in the corner of the guest room where Johnny had been sleeping. She was sound asleep holding Johnny's comfort pillow.

Roy smiled and helped John to sit down on the side of his bed, then sat beside him and rubbed his back while John got his breathing under control and calmed down the rest of the way. Johnny's eyes never left the sleeping girl in the chair.

"She's going to get a kinked neck," Johnny commented.

"I'll put her back in her bed." Roy continued speaking calmly, knowing his little girl had been so worried about Johnny that she had chosen to be at his side. Roy himself had felt a need to stay extra close to Johnny ever since John had admitted that he knowingly had planned to jump from the roof of the hospital. But as he sat at his friend's side calming him, he was also comforted by the belief that John no longer had those desires. When Johnny had calmed down, Roy got up and lifted his sleeping child into his arms without waking her and placed her in Johnny's arms so that he could hold her for a moment before she was put back to bed.

John's full consciousness was now back in the doctor's office. He hadn't told the doctor of pleading with Roy to believe he wasn't planning to take the children nor did he intend to.

"Anyway, Roy put her back in her bed and then the two of us sat in the kitchen and talked for a while and drank warm milk until I was unwound enough to try and go back to sleep."

"And did you get back to sleep?"

Johnny shook his head. "I guess finding Jenny's bed empty was a little too much for me right then. It was only a few hours before it was time to get up anyway."

"How many are a few hours in your book John?"

"It was almost five in the morning when Roy went back to bed. The kids were up at seven."

"So three hours then?"

"Yeah, about that."

"Your description of your dream seems to match the witness statements of you taking those other two little girls. Have you been able to remember anything about that?"

"No, just what I've been told. I find myself trying to remember, trying to picture the two little girls and what they look like. I always come up blank except when I see Chris and Jenny's faces."

"That explains the dreams of young Chris and Jenny being the kidnapp victims. It's also understandable that you don't remember. I would highly recommend that you take a nap this afternoon. I know this is a strange concept but it is easier to sleep if you're not too tired."

When John left Dr. Winslow's office he found Roy waiting for him to take him to his house.

With each visit with Dr. Winslow, John learned more and more ways to control his memories but his future still seemed uncertain.

After a week of outpatient counseling, John found himself parked behind the fire station. He could see through the windows of the closed bay doors that both the engine and the squad were on a run and chose to bask in the peace and comfort he felt being there. When at last the sun's heat started to get the best of him, he got out of his Rover and let himself in. Listening to the radio chatter he heard Captain Stanley declare the fire out and allowed them an hour of clean up time. John glanced around the kitchen and noticed the scattered signs that lunch had been in progress when the alarm came in. Opening the refrigerator John found the ingredients for Roy's favorite casserole ready to be mixed together and placed in the oven. John had helped his partner prepare the dish enough times that he had no trouble putting it together and placing it in the oven before turning to prepare a salad to go with it.

When he heard the engine and the squad back into the bay, John opened the oven door and, with a dish towel, started to fan the smell of dinner toward the day room door. His efforts had the desired effect as the men followed their noses into the kitchen and their rumbling stomachs announced their arrival.

As the men stood with their hands on their hips smiling at Johnny he simply pulled the casserole from the oven and headed for the table. "You better sit down and eat before you get another call. Would there be a chance of me buying in?"

"Looks like you did all the work, Partner," Roy announced for the benefit of the others, he knew exactly what state their meal was in when they were called out.

"What brings you by the station?" Captain Stanley wanted to hope for an announcement of his return to duty but he knew that even with all the progress John was making he still had some legal issues to deal with before that date could be determined.

"Well, actually," John was still waiting to be invited to sit down, "I'm here as part of an assignment from Dr. Winslow."

"Well have a seat and tell us about it while we eat." Captain Stanley motioned for John to take a seat next to Roy. "What kind of assignments are we talking about and what can we do to help?"

"There's nothing I need you to do really, he just asked me to go to all the places that I would normally go and see if I felt any anxiety being there. It's more so we know what all I have to work on."

"So?" Hank asked, but when John didn't offer an answer he elaborated, "Any anxiety being here at the station?

"None," John spoke with his mouth full then paused at the Captain's look and swallowed his food before saying more.

"I feel really safe here, comfortable, right at homeish." John then looked down in contemplative thought. "It's kind of weird, you know. This is the most dangerous place I could be, well not here per se, but whenever I roll out on a call there's a good chance that there'll be some serious danger involved but it's still the place I feel the safest."

"Where is it that you don't feel safe?" Hank asked but he was pretty sure what the answer was going to be.

"Well, I've only been to two other places so far, Rampart, and I had to have some blood drawn so I was understandably a little nervous about being there but it was nothing really troubling." John paused and took another bite of dinner.

"And where was the other place you've been?" Hank questioned seeing John's eating as the stalling tactic that it was.

"I couldn't even get out of the car at my apartment building." John sighed and looked ashamed. "I've been thinking for a few days now that I wasn't sure I wanted to go back to my apartment when they get it fixed up. It's just, I don't know. A lot of things are coming together but I don't know where I want to live. I mean Roy's place is great but I can't stay there forever."

"To be honest with you John, I'm not surprised you're having trouble with thoughts of going back to your apartment. There's no crime in finding another place to live where you can get away from those memories." Cap had his confirmation.

"Yeah, man, I'll be happy to help you move," Chet was quick to offer, "and I bet Marco would loan you his truck to move everything in. I know Roy would loan you his and if Mike would join the party we'd be able to move you out pretty quick."

The sound of his friends adding their offer of help rounded the table but even as he added the offer of his truck, Hank knew there was more on his underling's mind. In a way, it was written all over his face.

"Thanks, guys, I really appreciate it but I'm going to have to figure a few things out before I can decide what to do next."

"What kind of things?" Hank pushed; he had received some training in psychological counseling as he was training to become a Captain.

John squirmed at his captain's question. "You're going to think I'm really crazy if I tell you that."

"We already know that," Chet spoke next, "and we still like you. So stop worrying about it and tell us what's bugging you."

John looked around at all of the men and with the exception of Roy's temporary partner, a paramedic borrowed from Pasadena, he saw friends who had been there through thick and thin.

"It's just, well I feel like I should stay at the apartments where I'm at because, well we all know there are people like Mrs. Danielson out there and I know my landlady was thinking about asking her to move out because she didn't want any trouble. It wasn't trouble Mrs. Danielson could control, I mean there's no question about him being a little on the wacko side. But I'm afraid of adding to the 'not in my back yard' mentality out there that means people like Mrs. Danielson can't find a place to get away from abusive situations. I'm afraid if I move my landlady will never let anyone else in that needs to escape."

"But-" Chet started only to see the signal to stop given by his captain.

"I thought about trying to move into another of the apartments in the building, maybe something over on the other side where there's a better view of the pool." John continued talking like his captain knew he needed to.

"The thing of it is that I already know about five other abusive relationship situations in that apartment building, Ben Sutton, he's a cop that lives in my building, and he knows I'm a paramedic so he's called me out to check on a few people over the last year. I'm just not sure I have it in me to go through something like that again. I mean it's one thing to come across that sort of thing on the job. You bandage 'em up and take notes of what you saw and heard then turn them over to someone else to deal with everything, but when you live next to them you can't really get away from all the screaming and yelling and you see the results of the hitting that takes place behind closed doors. You see all the stuff the police can't do anything about because the person getting beat up won't file a complaint.

"Then when I think about what Dwyer was saying about his neighbor when I was on the roof of the hospital that night, and well, I'm not sure any apartment would be without similar situations. I'm starting to think about buying a house somewhere, someplace where I don't share walls with my neighbors so I can't hear everything that goes on next door."

There was silence in the room as everyone could well understand most of John's feelings. All except the obligation he seemed to feel for staying in his apartment to somehow encourage his landlady to continue to rent to people who might put him in danger again.

"Hey, Johnny, look, there's no hurry," Roy broke the silence as he reached up and placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "You're welcome to stay at my place for as long as you need."

"If the kids start getting to ya, there's an extra room at my place. It's pretty quiet," Chet offered.

"Yeah, well," John was feeling a little overwhelmed now that he'd allowed his feelings to be spoken out loud. "I guess what I really need to do is wait till after my court date; there's still a possibility that my next address will be a jail cell somewhere."

"I thought your lawyer told you he was sure you'd be acquitted." Captain Stanley tried to sound encouraging and at the same time he was milking Johnny for more information.

"Yeah, yeah he did, it's just that I'll feel better when it's all over and I know for sure. It's not like I can really make any plans before it's all over. I won't even know if I still have a job until this Judge has made whatever decision he's going to make."

"Has Barney had any luck getting a court date set for you?" Roy asked. The last he heard Barney was trying to get the court date as soon as possible. He had all the information he thought he would need to get John off the hook but setting a date took an agreement with the prosecuting attorney as well.

"It's a week from next Monday, almost two weeks from now. Brackett says at the rate I'm going that he should be able to clear me for duty medically by then. Winslow thinks I still need more counseling but that I should be ready to go back to work real soon."

Everyone in the room wanted to assure Johnny that everything would be just fine but they knew it was a real possibility that he could be placed on probation, something that would also put his return to duty on hold until he completed all of the conditions of his probation. Hank made a mental note to talk with Roy later to see what he could find out about John's financial resources if he were to be out of work for up to six months.


	24. The Jury

**The Jury**

The next two weeks dragged by. Dr. Winslow continued with daily sessions with John even though he did manage to sleep three nights in a row without a sedative. As John's court date grew closer though, his anxiety rose and his need for sedatives also increased.

The insurance adjustor for John's renter's insurance had contacted him with information on his personal items in the apartment. The sofa was beyond cleaning as was the area rug. Bullets had struck and damaged beyond repair his TV and stereo system as well as damaging two photographs, one had been displayed on the wall and the other had been in a frame on the stereo. He was given a check to go toward replacing those items.

John's anxiety at the news concerning the damage at his apartment grew overwhelming until Roy, Cap and Dr. Winslow were able to accompany him to his apartment, fortunately that night. John then found relief; the photo that had been on the wall was just a blow up of a sunrise that he had taken himself. He still had the negative and could get another copy easily. The other photo was of Johnny with the DeSoto family. Roy assured him that JoAnne had another copy that they could just give him. The photos John worried about the most was the one of his parents on their wedding day and the one with them holding him when he was a baby. It had been a miracle that he'd found a copy of them in the first place and there was little hope of being able to replace them. But the Spirits had shown down on John enough to protect those photos from any harm. He was sure to take them with him when he left.

John also picked up his mail that day and learned that the shooting incident on the third floor was the last straw for his landlady; she sold the complex to a company that owned several apartment buildings. In his mail was the notice of new ownership and the need for a new lease agreement to be signed. There was also information in the letter informing John that his rent was going up. That notice severed any ties John felt to persuade him to return to his apartment but it also increased his anxiety because he now didn't know where he'd go next. The guys from the station had John's belongings moved into Cap's basement for storage the very next day and John started looking for a new place to live but those efforts were hampered by the upcoming trial.

There were three other trials surrounding John's case and a fourth was possible as extended family members to Mrs. Danielson were contesting the will of another family member. John had been notified that he might be required to testify about what happened inside the apartment but it was still uncertain if the family members would actually push things 'til they came to a trial. John had been told that it could easily be a year in the future when and if things went that far. John didn't like that idea but if there was some inheritance out there that would help Mrs. Danielson take care of her children he was determined to do whatever he could to help her get it.

Of the other three trials, one was prosecution against Marlene Johnson for giving Johnny medication other than what had been prescribed for him. There was also the case against Doug Kingston, the father of the children Johnny kidnapped, for the assault on Johnny and taking him to the top floor in the elevator. Johnny had made sure they remembered that he had taken Mr. Kingston to the roof of the building from the top floor. The remaining trial was an assault charge against the reporter who used an ammonia ampoule to try and wake Johnny to get a statement. In effect leaving him with a hypnotic type suggestion that haunted him for days before Dr. Winslow was able to use hypnosis to remove it.

Since John had been legally declared to be of Diminished Mental Capacity as a result of the drugs he was on during that time of the incidents leading to the trials he had no legal say in their proceedings but he had insisted on being able to speak with the judge at the trials. His Lawyer, Barney Olsen, had promised to do all that he could to make that happen.

The day of John's trial Dr. Winslow has suggested some anti-anxiety drugs to help him through the day but John declined stating he didn't want to look drugged in front of the judge. Nothing Dr. Winslow was able to say could convince John he wouldn't be drugged, just calmer. In the end it was agreed that since Dr. Winslow had to be there to testify anyway he could bring the pills with him and if John really needed them he'd take them there.

John had been told to be at the court house by nine o'clock that morning but he was awake at four a.m. and never got back to sleep.

Roy came down stairs to the sound of the television even though it was on at a low volume. The five a.m. morning news was on and a weather report was playing out as Johnny sat in an arm chair, not paying attention to what was on the screen.

"Today is the trial for John Gage, the firefighter/paramedic who abducted two small children"- the screen suddenly went blank as Roy turned the TV off. John didn't need this, not this morning.

"Johnny," Roy started. "It's going to be all right."

"You don't know that, Roy; no one knows what that Judge is going to decide."

-0-

Several miles away Hank Stanley was having his own sleepless night. He had received a call from Headquarters the night before and they had talked for quite a while. A representative from Headquarters was going to be at the courthouse and if John was acquitted, like they all hoped, the representative was prepared to make an announcement to the media that John would also be reinstated with the fire department as soon as he was cleared by his doctors. Hank had also been told that if the lawyer was unable to get the protective order lifted, John would have to transfer out of the area. They couldn't take a chance of him being called out to that apartment building on a rescue thus breaking that order.

Hank was now pacing his den in thought. How would John handle things emotionally and mentally without his friends around? It wasn't that long ago that he had planned, literally intended, to step off the roof of a fourteen story building. Would he lose the will to live again if he was all alone and away from those who cared for him the most? Hank thought for a moment of transferring Roy with him but that wouldn't be fair to Roy and his family. John was going to move anyway so a new area wouldn't be that big of a deal except for his station mates. Moving an entire family is another matter all together. As Hank paced back and forth he kept coming back to the need to wait and see what happened during the trial. But whatever was going to happen after that was going to happen fast.

There was yet another matter that would need to be dealt with during the trial. Headquarters had received information from the police department that a permit had been granted to a group who planned to demonstrate in front of the court house before, during and after John's trial.

It was planned if needed they would slip John in and out of the courthouse through a back way, but Hank knew that, in itself, was going to be way harder on his young paramedic. Why did John always have to put everything on the line when another's life was involved?

In an attempt to find a distraction, Hank flipped on the TV set in his den making sure to keep the volume at a level that wouldn't wake the rest of the household.

"I don't know, Bob," the commentator for one of the early morning news talk shows was heard to say as the TV set warmed up. "John Gage just may have hurt himself with the statement he made during the trial yesterday."

"Well, Matt, I'm not sure how that's going to play out but it sure would have been in his favor if his lawyer had been able to blame all of his actions on Miss Marlene Johnson for substituting another medication for that which had been prescribed for him."

"Yeah, Bob, but you've got to give it to the guy. Let me read part of the statement he made before the judge in that case. "I have to agree that what she did was wrong but she never intended for me to react the way I did; she was trying to help me. What she needs is to be educated not incarcerated. Please, judge her with leniency; don't make her the scapegoat for my actions. Please don't add that to my guilt."

Hank sat in his recliner and took in, then let out a deep breath; leave it to John to be so forgiving.

-0-

At the DeSoto house John was dressed and ready to go by six-thirty. JoAnne had laid out his dress uniform for him the night before but John chose to wear his other suit. He figured that if he were to be convicted he didn't want to drag the department down with him. Roy fixed coffee and tried to get John to calm down but short of tackling him and putting him in a straight jacket Roy couldn't even as much as get John to sit down. Roy realized there was no way he was going to get him to eat anything either, so he gave up and got dressed himself. The two men pulled out of the driveway at seven.

At a cafeteria in the basement of the courthouse Roy was making yet another attempt to get John to eat something. At least with other people around and not wanting to stand out John was sitting still. However the scrambled eggs breakfast in front of him was growing cold and remained untouched. Roy was just about to try and spoon feed his friend when Cap walked up.

"Cap! What brings you here?" Roy was the one to speak but John's eyes were asking the same question.

"I called your house to see when you were planning to leave and Joanne told me you'd already left," Hank offered as an explanation as he studied the untouched breakfast in front of John comparing it to the nearly finished breakfast in front of Roy. "Gage, EAT, that's an order."

Hank then sat down and talked while John finished his breakfast. He told him of the departmental representative who would be announcing his reinstatement to duty after the trial but didn't tell him anything else. Hank's goal was to put his friend at ease not give him any more to worry about.

What Roy had done without realizing it was get John at the courthouse before the demonstrators had gathered on the front steps. Hank was also grateful for that.

For John's part the news that the department was sending a representative to the courthouse was a positive that gave him more hope than he'd had before receiving that news. Under Captain Stanley's leadership John was able to eat but he ate slowly. That was all well and fine though, they had time.

At eight thirty, a half hour before they were required to be there, John, Roy and Captain Stanley walked up to the assigned court room and stood waiting to be told what to do next.

It wasn't until after nine-thirty when Barney Olsen walked around the corner with his briefcase in hand. "Sorry for the wait, John. I tried to call you but Mrs. DeSoto said you'd already left. The prosecutor requested that the children not be traumatized but forcing them to testify in the court room. We just had a private question and answer session in the Judges office and nothing happened there that you should be worried about. They should be letting us into the court room any minute now and if everything goes as I think it will this should all be over in less than an hour."

John was still holding his breath and nodding a sense of understanding when the doors were opened and they were ushered into the court room. John was surprised to see Dr. Winslow was already in the room when he entered but before any words could be exchanged Barney took John by the arm and led him to the defendants table pulling a chair out for him to sit in. As John hesitantly sat down, Barney opened his brief case and started pulling out papers, before setting them out on the table in front of him in a very specific order. Before Barney had all the papers in his hand laid out on the table they were all being told to rise as the judge came into the room.

"You may be seated," the Judge said as she took her own chair.

John closed his eyes as the charges against him were read and then the prosecuting attorney rose to present opening arguments. "Your Honor, we are prepared to present testimony from half a dozen witnesses that John Gage did forcefully push Douglas Kingston out of his way and entered the Kingston apartment before unlawfully taking his children and leaving the premises with them in his custody. The District Attorney's office will concede to the fact that Mr. Gage's judgment was affected by medications he was taking at the time. "

The Prosecuting Attorney sat down and Barney quickly sprung to his feet. "Your Honor, I am prepared to offer into evidence the results of blood tests performed on Mr. Gage as well as recorded testimony from several police officers, doctors and researchers. John Gage was legally declared to be of Diminished Mental Capacity at the time of his actions. The night before he had survived a very harrowing experience where he saved the lives of no less than seven individuals during a gun battle that took place in the apartment next to his. He was held at gun point for over two and a half hours during which time he was shot at repeatedly. This experience left Mr. Gage suffering from a severe anxiety requiring him to be heavily sedated. His doctors determined that the noise and commotion of everyday hospital functions were interfering in his medically determined need for peace and quiet, so it was determined to be in his best interest to continue his treatment on an outpatient basis. It was while he was in this outpatient setting that medications were substituted for those prescribed for him, medications that have a long documented history of causing behavior similar to that exhibited by Mr. Gage. I am prepared with no less than six testimonies from licensed professionals as well and a document involving thirteen similar cases previously argued in a court of law involving the very medication John Gage was given. All of them confirm the fact that John Gage was not in control of his actions the night in question.

"I will also point out that the children were not injured in the least but were taken directly to Rampart Hospital where they were placed in the hands of licensed nurses before telling them that he was returning to get the children's mother. The fact that he was later found several miles past the apartment where the children's mother was further demonstrates of his total confusion in what he was doing.

"My client pleads not guilty on grounds of Certified Diminished Capacity starting several hours before the alleged abduction occurred."

Barney sat down and the judge looked at everyone in the room for a moment.

"It has been requested that I conduct this trial on an informal basis. From the preliminary information I have received combined with the testimonies from the children in my office prior to this hearing I think that is the best way to proceed. The Judge proceeded to ask for the documentation Barney had collected and saw to it that it was processed into evidence after briefly scanning the documents. She then called on Dr. Winslow to ask for a greater explanation of the terms of John's Declaration of Diminished Capacity, as well as the difference between sleepwalking and Dissociative Flashbacks. She also asked questions about John's therapy and expected prognosis before declaring she was ready to offer judgment.

As a rule everyone stood to hear the judgment but the Judge asked everyone to remain seated.

"Mr. Gage, before I announce my verdict I would like to explain a few things to you. Unless you would like otherwise I will keep the legal terminology to a minimum."

The Judge held John's complete attention as he shook his head then under the prompting of his lawyer spoke, "No, Your Honor, that's okay."

"First of all, it is important that I explain that this trial is a formality required by law because the children in question are underage and deemed incapable of understanding their rights before this court. Because their rights have to be protected their parents are not allowed by law to forfeit them. That is the reason we are all here today.

"Besides your well documented condition at the time, and the plethora of documentation regarding the frequent side effects of the drug you were taking at the time, there are other items that are in your favor here today. Those are that you were willingly under a doctor's care prior to the incident in question; that your medications were altered without your knowledge and I am also taking into account the extenuating circumstances of the altercations you witnesses and endured earlier that day, along with your training to respond to cries for help. Under the conditions that have been described by all involved I can understand how, in your well documented state of medicated stupor, you could interpret the shouting from next door and the injuries you saw. The biggest items in your favor are that the children were taken directly to medical care as further assurance that no harm was intended and that you, even in your drugged state, were totally cooperative to all treatment and efforts to help you remember where you left the children.

"I hear by find John Roderick Gage not guilty of charges filed, on grounds of Certified Diminished Capacity." All in the room let out a sigh of relief but none more obvious than John Gage. Hank Stanley, although relieved, took in another breath and held it.

"And since that diminished capacity condition has been medically resolved you are released on your own recognizance. I will also at this time remove the protective order requiring you to remain 100 feet from the children in question or any of their family members, but I must inform you that if you do approach them and they in any way feel threatened by you, which in this case could be caused by nothing more on your part that talking to the children or going to their home, even if it's just to say you're sorry, that protective order can be reinstated in an hour's notice. Counselor, I will expect you to make sure your client fully understands the ramifications of this decree."

"Yes, Your Honor," Barney quickly responded.

"This court is adjourned," the judge declared and John found himself tackled by both Captain Stanley and Roy with congratulatory squeezes and pats on the back. John was also relieved by the fact that the prosecuting attorney smiled at him and offered his hand to shake.

"I can honestly say that Justice was served today," the man said as they shook hands. "Have a good day."

-0-

The courtroom was emptied and John and his friends, lawyer and doctor were standing in the hall before John was able to take in and let out several deep breaths of relaxation while Cap and Roy stood on either side of him rubbing his back.

"Now the departmental rep will announce your reinstatement to the press and as soon as Dr. Bracket and Dr. Winslow declare you're ready, you're back at the job you love," Cap declared as he wrapped his arm around John's shoulder pulling him into a one armed hug and giving him a shake at the same time.

"I believe we should make our way to the front of the courthouse to make our press announcement," the departmental rep stated with all the personality of a politician.

"I'm not so sure that's a good idea," Captain Stanley tried to change his mind.

"I think that's a wonderful idea," Dr. Winslow said, stepping into the conversation with a smile and a wink for the caring Captain. "Trust me," the Doctor whispered in Hanks ear as he did his part to move the group forward.

Before they could see the doors leading out to the front steps, they could hear the rumble of clapping hands and the chants of, "Justice, justice, we want justice."

Hank protectively stepped that much closer to John as did Roy on his other side. The light coming through the courthouse doors blinded them for a moment but even with the sun in their eyes they were able to see the shapes of signs and banners bobbing up and down to the rhythm of the chants as Dr. Winslow offered a persuasive nudge to a forward motion.

Their eyes hadn't fully adjusted to the light but they could see that the steps leading to the courthouse were packed with people as was the sidewalks in front of the court house for half a block in each direction. One in every five people were carrying some kind of a sign, there were many different sayings on the signs but the most common read, 'Free John Gage', and 'John Gage is a Hero not a Criminal' and "We need more like John Gage not to lock the ones we have away".

Pleasantly surprised Hank and Roy opened the doors to the outside and with tears starting to streak his face John stepped outside to the cheers and whistles of all gathered.

Barney was quick to step forward and in his loudest voice announced, "John Gage has been found NOT GUILTY on all charges!"

The roar of the crowd that followed was deafening, as John and his friends started looking around at the gathered throng.

Most of the faces John was seeing were total strangers but there were plenty he did recognize.

Under the bobbing sigh that read, 'He saved lives instead of saving himself', was, surprise, surprise, Craig Brice. On his shoulders were a young boy of about eight and standing next to him was a man with his arm in a sling, another boy of about ten standing next to him. John did a double take and recognized the guy in the sling as the cop who'd been shot in the shoulder. Others in the crowd looked like victims he'd worked on in recent years but he wasn't sure.

"Is that…I don't believe it, that's Hookraider," Hank exclaimed before pointing John's gaze. Off duty Captain Hookraider was standing under a sign that read, 'If you walk one mile in his shoes, you'd know a BRAVE HERO!'

The departmental rep announced using the microphones of several news reporters that John Gage was a valued member of the fire department and would be returning to duty as soon as his doctors declared him physically able.

"Well, John," Dr. Winslow gave a tight squeeze to his patient's shoulder and leaned in speaking into his ear loudly enough to make sure he was heard. "You've been declared not guilty by a Court of Law and now you're being declared not guilty by a Jury of your Peers."

Slowly, John worked his way through the crowd. He was awestruck as every person reached out to shake his hand or give him a substantial bounding on the back. Nurses came forward with kisses to his cheeks, and total strangers offered him their babies to hold. The chants of "HERO! Hero! Hero!" humbled and embarrassed him.

There was a sign that stood out and drew his attention as Johnny changed directions to investigate. The sign read, "He needed a bucket of cold water dumped on him not handcuffs.' When John was close enough to see who was wielding it, he was quick to recognize the dark curly hair and bushy mustache of one Chester B. Kelly.

As the two men stood face to face in silent appreciation of each other John was tackled from the side and turned to see Momma Lopez crushing him to her bosoms. When he was allowed to come up for air John was quick to notice she had brought the relatives.


	25. Differences

**Differences **

"Oh, no!" JoAnne cried as she looked at the emotionally charged face of John in the back seat of the station wagon. Mike Stoker was driving and Roy was in the back seat with Johnny. Roy had his arms around Johnny who was obviously sedated again and fighting to keep his eyes open.

"How could they, Roy?" JoAnne asked as soon as her husband climbed out of the car.

"It's okay, Jo, they found him not guilty," Roy assured her before reaching into the back seat to drag his partner out of the car. "I'll explain just as soon as we get Johnny into bed." Mike appeared at Roy's side to help him get John inside the house.

"It was really overwhelming for him there, Jo; you wouldn't believe what it was like." Roy's eyes also told of the overwhelming feeling, but Roy was smiling. Jo was confused.

Once Johnny was in the guest room and stretched out on the bed, Mike took over getting his shoes off. "Hey look, I'll get him settled in and stay with him for a few minutes. You go fill your wife in. I'll bet you money that whole thing is going to be on the midday news on TV"

Roy noticed that Johnny was going, going, gone so he took Mike up on his offer. Stepping out of John's room Roy quickly took JoAnne in his arms as he searched his brain for the first words to explain.

"You had to be there to believe it, Jo," Roy started, then when Jo sat him down and encouraged him to start from the beginning and the story began to unfold. Beginning with the Judge's explanation of why there was a trial in the first place, to the questions asked of Dr. Winslow that helped Roy better understand what was happening in his partner's head all this time. "And then the rally outside the courthouse, Jo, they were all there cheering for Johnny; there had to be over a thousand people there. Hook, Captain Hookraider was there, he was out of uniform as was everyone that was with the department. Brice was there with his neighbors and the guys from the station. I never did see Marco but his mother was there with all of the relatives and Mike said he saw him."

"Well if there were that many people then I can understand how you might have missed a few." JoAnne was sharing her husband's joy.

"You know how Johnny is, he was so embarrassed by all the signs and chants calling him a hero and all, but he needed it so much, Jo. He needed every bit of it. Dr. Winslow had seen the people from the window of the Judge's chambers while he was there listening to the little girl give her testimony and he practically herded us all outside with a cattle prod once the verdict was given.

"Chet was there," Roy continued on excitedly. "He was holding a sign that said something about Johnny needing a bucket of cold water thrown on him, not handcuffs. And all the nurses and pretty girls, that's not blood on his face, its lipstick."

"I can understand how overwhelmed Johnny must have been but why is he so out of it right now?"

"Dr. Winslow was there to testify about John's diagnosis and treatment. When he found out that John hadn't slept well last night, well, he waited until the rally died down and convinced John to take something; he wants him to sleep as long as he can now."

The midday televised news did indeed show the rally as well as an interview with Mrs. Kingston. She was holding both of her girls tight and exclaiming that she was in agreement with the verdict handed down by the Judge. She talked for only a moment of the fear she felt at having her children taken from their home but now that she knew the full story and mostly because the girls were taken someplace they would be safe she felt an understanding of what Johnny must have been thinking and held no resentment or anger toward him.

Roy debated on waking Johnny for dinner but thinking he'd wake up on his own soon, allowed him to sleep. Johnny did wake after the late news had finished rerunning the story about John's acquittal and the rally. JoAnne was quick to warm him something to eat and they both sat with John and munched to encourage him to eat.

The next morning Hank Stanley arrived at Roy's house. He had one more little thing that John needed to deal with and he was determined to see to it that he didn't deal with it alone.

"John, there's a little issue that has arisen since you left your apartment. The station has been flooded with mail that you had forwarded there." John looked at his Captain in confusion; he had been assured by his Captain that there was no problem having his mail forwarded there until he was able to get another place to live. He was already planning to move from Roy's house the next day to stay with Chet for a while because JoAnne's mother was coming for two weeks.

"There's a really big possibility that at least 90% of the mail has been generated by all the news coverage you've been receiving as a result of the shootout and other thing." Hank read his underlings confusion, his words trailing at the end of his explanation. "The post office would like their bags back."

"Bags? Did you say bags, as in more than one?" John questioned. "Just how many bags are we talking about? How big are these bags?"

"They're about so big," Hank said, holding his hands out to approximate the size. "I have four in the back of my truck right now; I just picked them up from the station. While I was there I was informed that there are three more that have been sent to headquarters."

John followed his Captain to his truck to see the four bags there before slumping down on the bumper unable to deal with the volume of material on his own.

Cap stayed at his side while Roy ran into the house and made a quick call to Dr. Winslow who suggested that a spare room somewhere be set aside and that as many people as were willing to help got together.

Cap had such a room, it wasn't fancy but it had a door that could be closed when things got too overwhelming. The rest of the gang showed up, each bringing something to eat and something to use as a letter opener. Dwyer, Brice, Bellingham, and the other paramedics who had worked in Johnny's apartment that night arrived too, their counselor had recommended it. The first order of business was to open the envelopes. Even Hank's and Roy's children had fun helping with that task. Hank had found an old baby's playpen in the rafters of his garage. Once it was set up the bags of mail were dumped inside. Three boxes that had once contained paper towels were set around it to toss the envelopes and junk mail into.

Following Dr. Winslow's suggestion, the letters were scanned by someone other than Johnny. Since some of the other men had been in the thick of things the night of the shooting, Hank assigned himself, Mike, Marco and Chet as scanners. The mail was then divided into several piles. The negative mail that was inevitable was quickly hidden, usually under their bottoms, the mail offering praise and admiration needed several piles. Checks and cash that had been sent to help replace furniture or pay for moving expenses was placed in another, while offers of places to live were stacked in yet another.

It had only taken one afternoon to get all of the envelopes opened. Before the money and checks had even been added up, Johnny made a couple of calls and knew where he wanted it to go. It would be donated to an organization that helped women and children escape from abusive homes. A press release was written and Captain Stanley graciously agreed to read it in front of the news cameras.

Those who scanned the letters were able to get all of the negative ones and keep them from the eyes of those who had put their lives on the line and the rest were shared and read aloud. It turned out to be a wonderful group therapy activity and Johnny was quick to tell the others that had been there that the words that were being read applied to them too.

"Just because the news gave out my name and not yours doesn't mean this praise belongs to me alone."

John had made a point to avoid watching or reading the news coverage involving himself but as the letters were read aloud it was apparent that more information than he wanted revealed had gotten out. This would end up being the topic of conversation during John's next several therapy sessions.

The letters containing offers of a place to live were looked over as well. Cap and Roy did their best to steer John away from the roommate situations, most of which were girls offering him a place with them. John had acted tempted as he looked as some of the pictures that were included in the letters but in truth the prospect of sharing a place with three to four women wasn't all that appealing.

There were a few from little old ladies who were offering him a place in their home free of charge if he'd just take care of them so they wouldn't have to go to a nursing home. John had to decline those offers as well.

Locations that were too far away were pulled from consideration. Realtor business cards were set aside for the time being as were the big apartment buildings and the basement apartments.

With the help of his friends, John was able to come up with a manageable list of places to look at and Chet and Marco drove him around so that he could look at them from the outside and also check the surrounding areas before he made any form of contact with the person making the offers.

Four days later John moved into a small apartment complex consisting of only six apartments. There was no pool or club house but there was a huge park and shopping centers within walking distance. The apartment had two bedrooms, the rent was right, the tenants were screened through the police department before being allowed to move in and the landlords were a happily married couple whose children were on their own. John was lulled to sleep his first night there by the sounds of the crickets and the smell of fresh flowers that floated through his bedroom window. His fridge was full with welcoming gifts from the other tenants.

Three days after moving into his new apartment Johnny was back on duty. His first duty assignment was to participate in a safety fair. There were several fire trucks, engines, ladder trucks, snorkel trucks and of course a rescue squad and an ambulance. Also attending the safety fair were police officers who were talking about stranger danger and drug prevention and also doing fingerprinting for child identity kits. There were two bicycle shops there showing safety helmets and knee and elbow pads while the nursing students from Rampart operated a booth to check blood pressure and answer other medical questions.

To John's dismay he was assigned to answer questions about the fire engine while Roy and Brice talked about the squad. It didn't take long for John to get over his assignment disappointment as the children, most of them too small to really appreciate the details of how many gallons of water the truck held or how long the hose was. Most of them just wanted to touch the big red truck and climb on it and sit in it pretending to drive. As John helped them up and down his thoughts turned to little Samuel Danielson and what he remembered Dixie telling him as he drifted off to sleep that first time in the hospital. He was starting to wish little Samuel could be there at the fair when he felt a tentative hand brush his shoulder from behind.

John turned around in response to the touch and found himself face to face with Mrs. Danielson, her daughter standing respectfully at her side and the three boys already climbing into the hose bed of the engine. When Cap and Mike quickly took over supervising the children in the cab of the engine Johnny knew there had been a reason for his assignment.

"Hi, how's your leg doing?" John was unable to think of anything else to say.

"Fine, it's almost all healed up now." Mrs. Danielson was just as lost for words as Johnny was. They both turned their attention to the boys in the hose bed, all three of them holding onto a hose that Chet had obligingly attached a nozzle to. They were pretending to spray water on some imaginary fire as Chet supervised and told them that real firemen took turns being in front.

Both Johnny and the boys' mother laughed when the youngest of the three quickly pushed his way to the front.

"I won't be surprised if Samuel turns out to be a fireman when he grows up," Mrs. Danielson said softly. "He sure loves these big red trucks."

Not able to think of anything to say Johnny just smiled and fought to keep the moisture building in his eyes from spilling out.

"There are no amount of words or anything I could give to tell you how thankful I am for all that you did for me and my children," Mrs. Danielson blurted out while Johnny was still focusing his attention on the boys.

John turned to his guest and hesitantly placed his hands on her shoulders. "You just take care of those kids and do everything you can to be happy and enjoy your lives together. That's all the thanks I'll ever want. Just be happy."

John could no longer contain his tears but only a few snuck out and rolled down his face.

"We're going to be moving to the far north corner of the state." Mrs. Danielson wanted to give John the thanks he had asked for. "The social worker who's been working with us helped me find a job at an agricultural college up there. I'll actually be teaching classes on how to milk and manage dairy cattle and then in the evenings I'll be teaching gardening glasses to impoverished families as a means to supplement their food budgets. There's a day care and preschool right there next to the dairy barn for Samuel and a combination Elementary and Jr. High just across the road from the campus. I'll have housing and health insurance and my wages will be enough to get us by. I'll also be allowed to attend classes to finish my degree while I'm there. I know for someone like you this all must seem rather mundane but for me this is a dream job." Mrs. Danielson was releasing a few tears of her own.

Just then young Samuel was pulling on the reel hose when the reel it was rolled on moved with his efforts to pull. Samuel found himself falling face first over the edge of the engine.

Moving with the speed of a fireman, Johnny caught the young boy before he hit the ground. "Whoa there buddy, if you're going to be a fireman you need to learn to keep your feet under you not on top of you," John spoke as he quickly made sure the boy was unharmed. Once he was sure the child was uninjured John couldn't resist the urge to tickle the boy and soon his two older brothers were joining in on a wrestle and tickling match that ended with Johnny just pulling all three of them close and holding on.

"You boys just learn to be happy," John said through his tears. John turned his gaze to the girl standing respectfully next to her mother. "And that goes for you too, young lady. I want you to learn that being angry never accomplishes anything worthwhile, but love and hard work will make everything good possible."

"I want to see that fire truck," four year old Samuel said as he pointed to the snorkel truck and ran off. His older twin brothers ran after him and before Johnny was able to offer the hug he wanted to give to their mother, three mentally handicapped teens from a nearby group home tackled Johnny wanting the same treatment they had seen him giving the other boys.

With a silent tearful acknowledgement Mrs. Danielson and her daughter left in pursuit of her sons and Johnny wrestled with the other boys before gaining some control and starting to teach them some things about the engine. From time to time Johnny would look around till he found the Danielson family. They really looked like they were enjoying themselves, well, at least the boys were. Johnny was sure he'd never see them again after today and that left him with mixed emotions, but mostly he was relieved that things were working out for them.

-0-

Standing at the corner of the booth where his daughters were being fingerprinted and helped to create their own ID kits, Doug Kingston watched one particular fireman and the way he interacted with some of the children he was showing the fire engine to. His neighbor Charles Dwyer, had explained to him about the warning John Gage had received during his trial when he handed him a hand written apology for the pain and hardship he had caused.

Doug had long forgiven the paramedic who had taken his children. He realized when they were together in the elevator that John Gage had no memory of what he had done. The sleepwalking thing had been well explained to him not only by his neighbor but also by his therapist who was teaching him a lot about himself and why he was yelling all the time.

Letting his wife know where he was going, Doug stepped up to Charlie Dwyer and waited for him to finish his conversation with the other firefighter he was talking to.

"Oh, hi, Doug. Is there something I can do for you?" Dwyer ended his conversation when he noticed his neighbor obviously waiting to talk to him.

"Um, yeah, I would like to talk with Mr. Gage for a minute, and I um, thought if you walked over there with me we could make sure no one got in any trouble with the police or anything like that."

Charlie Dwyer gave a quick glance to Mike Stoker, whom he'd been talking with about John and how he was doing.

Mike gave a subtle nod of his head and both he and Charlie escorted Doug over to where Johnny was wiping a new set of sticky hand prints off the side of the engine.

"John," Mike reached out and placed a hand on Johnny's shoulder to get his attention.

"I'm cleaning it, Mike, don't worry; the last kids had chocolate bars and I didn't catch it until after they'd climbed on the engine." Johnny didn't turn around because he recognized Mike's voice so he just talked as he continued to rub the engine clean.

"Johnny," Mike repeated and this time John turned to look at his friend. He saw Charlie standing there too, then noticed Doug Kingston standing next to Mike.

"I wanted to talk to you for a minute." Doug spoke quickly before Johnny could say anything. "I was hoping that if these guys were with me you wouldn't be afraid and we could talk for a minute without getting the police involved."

"You didn't need to go that far," Johnny commented, "at least not on my account."

John looked over at Mike who had taken an 'at ease' stance, his feet apart, hands behind his back, eyes straight ahead, he was rooted to his spot and looked rather protective.

"It's alright, you guys don't have to stand guard, I promise I won't do anything and I more than deserve whatever he wants to do to me." Johnny tried to dismiss the guards but both men remained steadfast.

"It's nothing like that," Doug again spoke with a speed to his words that was less than casual. "I just wanted to say that there are no hard feelings. I understand what happened and I'm pretty sure you'd never do anything like that under normal circumstances."

"Thank you, and I'm still sorry for what I did, the circumstances don't make what I did right."

"Maybe not, but maybe your actions weren't all that wrong after all." Doug moved forward with what he really wanted to say and didn't stop now that he was taking, even if Johnny looked totally and completely confused.

"My dad was a drunk and he used to knock my mom and us boys around a lot, broke my arm twice, my brother's, too, and his leg once. I thought as long as I never drank any alcohol and didn't hit my wife and kids that I must be an okay dad. I never realized the harm I was doing to my kids or my wife by always yelling at them. The doctor who was taking care of you, he helped me find someone I could talk to. Someone who could help me to understand the things I just told you. They're trying to teach me how to hold a baby now. I've been spending time in a high risk nursery, filled with babies of mothers who took drugs while they were pregnant and now the kids are addicted. I thought my kids cried a lot but I'm learning differently. Most of all, they're showing me how to touch the babies and talk to them. No one ever did that before and I felt like a real loser because I didn't know what to do. All that stuff I said to you about how you should have handled that guy with a gun and I'm terrified of my own little babies. Now I'm even learning how to change diapers, if you can believe that. I'll tell you something else, after you've held a baby that's too sick to cry, boy, one that does sounds a whole lot different to ya, if you can understand what I'm saying."

"I can." Johnny offered a smile with his words.

"I still have a lot to learn but I'm starting. I kinda wanted to do this before but didn't know how or where to go about it. That doctor who was taking care of you got me started. Gave me some stuff to read about how my yelling all the time was hurting my kids. Look I didn't mean to take up all of your time I just wanted you to know that thanks to you I'm learning how to make some changes in my life, and even though what you did was a bit scary and all, it made a difference in my life that I never thought was possible."

Doug stopped talking; he'd run out of words to say. Johnny didn't know what to say either but he hesitantly offered his hand to shake. When Doug accepted it, he added. "I'm still sorry for what I did; thank you for forgiving me."

The two men were standing together in silence, neither of them knowing what to do or say next when the radios and public address systems came alive.

"Attention, all firemen and police officers, we have a missing boy." The announcement was followed by a description of the boy's size and what he was wearing and Johnny knew instantly they were looking for Samuel Danielson. John wasn't sure why but while the rest of the searchers were looking low Johnny looked high. Samuel Danielson was making his way to the top of the raised ladder on the ladder truck. He was two thirds of the way to the top and still climbing.

Before anyone else had seen him, Johnny grabbed two safety belts and made his way to the ladder truck. With his normal speed he had his belt on and the other over his shoulder and he was booking it up the ladder with a member of the ladder crew on his heals for backup.

Samuel was only three rungs from the top when Johnny caught up to him. "Hey there, Sam, my man, if you're going to be a fireman you have to learn how to use your safety equipment." John talked to the boy as he surrounded him with his own body the best his could to keep him safe while he placed the second safety belt around the boy and tightened it in place before shifting his helmet to the boy's head and tightening the chin strap to hold it in place.

"Wow," Sammy said as he turned his excited face to Johnny. "You can see everywhere from up here. I bet you can even catch a birdie up here."

"Well, not very likely." John smiled at his young rescue's enthusiasm. John then helped the boy up the last three rungs where he showed him the hose nozzle at the top and talked to him for a minute about how they used that piece of equipment to help put out a fire. "I'm afraid with all the water we spray on the fires that the birdies don't come anywhere near the top of this ladder."

"How big do I have to be to go to fireman school?" Samuel asked as John threw him over his shoulder. While he carried him down the ladder John told him how he needed to make sure he graduated from High School first with good grades and didn't get into any trouble.

Once on the ground John again gave into the itch to do some tickling before he unbelted his charge and handed him to his worried mother.

After checking her son over and properly chastising him, Mrs. Danielson placed him on his feet then turned to Johnny with the hug she had wanted to give him earlier. They both pulled apart in laughter when the twins stepped up to the ladder truck and asked if they could climb to the top now.

Hookraider was the one to say, "NO!"

-0-

John's first full shift back was a busy one but everyone could tell he was happy to be back. Still they were all watching him for signs of fatigue and to make sure he was handling his calls well.

Their last run before bed turned out to be a domestic violence case. The husband had been out with his friends at a bar watching some kind of a game and drinking. His team lost and he was in a bad mood before he got home to find that the garbage hadn't been taken to the curb yet. His son was trying to explain that there was a dog running around that kept knocking the garbage over when his father back handed him across the face knocking him over against a chair.

When the call came in at the station as a child down and announcing that police had been dispatched Hank told the engine crew they were going too.

When they arrived the boy was still unconscious on the floor, his cheek bruised and swelling and a large amount of blood coming from the laceration on the back of his head. Nothing unusual for a head wound but there was a lot of blood.

The whole way to the scene John had been very aware that the only reason the engine had accompanied them was to keep watch on him. Now that he was there Johnny was all business and quick to kneel at the boy's side.

"Cap, we're going to need a backboard and sandbags," Johnny called out the second his knees hit the floor.

Hank pointed a thumb over his shoulder and both Chet and Marco ran for the requested supplies. By the time they returned John was calling out vitals to Roy who was on the bio-phone talking with Dr. Brackett. While the paramedics worked on the boy the accompanying police officers had the parents in a corner talking to them. There was little that was said that could be heard loud enough to understand but the father was heard repeatedly saying he didn't mean to hurt him, and that he shouldn't have hit him.

An IV was ordered and started then the men started easing the boy onto the backboard and securing him in position.

"Nooo," the father cried out as he watched his son being strapped to the back board. The police officers who had been talking to him were now guiding the ambulance attendants through the front door. "What have I done?" The father then bolted for a back bedroom.

With full panic on his face, John sprung to his feet and followed. Before anyone knew what was happening, there was the sound of a gunshot followed by Roy shouting, "Johnnnnnny!"


	26. Lemons, lemonade and Squeezing

In that day and age the bullet proof vests that most police officers wore on a daily basis, at least the ones I've seen, were a simple cloth pullover vest similar to a sleeveless shirt with a pocket in the front and the back covering the middle of the chest and back. Into those pockets were placed protective panels. (Vests that gave greater protection were available for high risk raids and such but were not worn on a daily basis) Not all protective panels were the same and in most cases the police officers had to purchase the protective vest themselves. Many were gifts from wives and loved ones. Since the cost was high for such an item they couldn't always afford the best protective panels. Also the more the protective qualities of the panels the stiffer and more uncomfortable they were to wear but even with the most protective vests they were still vulnerable if the bullet hit them anywhere outside either of the panels. Even if the bullet hit the panels injury was not all together prevented only significantly minimized. Things have changed today, thank heavens.

**Lemons, Lemonade, and Squeezing**

Captain Stanley quickly moved in the direction of the gunshot only to be pulled back by one of the police officers. Pulling their guns from their holsters, the officers raced in the direction of the bedroom.

It was only a few seconds before one of the police officers returned, but to the men waiting for word of their crew mate it seemed like minutes.

"Gage is asking for hard restraints and for you to ask about a sedative," the officer relayed. It took several seconds for the crew to realize that John must be alright to have given those instructions and let out a collective sigh.

While Roy finished packaging the boy for his ride to the hospital, Hank took Marco with him to offer their kind of restraints until the others were set up. When the two firemen stepped into the bedroom they found the suspect handcuffed and Johnny holding him tight against his chest. Johnny was rocking back and forth with his mouth close to the distraught father's ear. "Shh, Shh, it's going to be alright, It's going to be all right."

Roy came in a moment later with a syringe in his hand and while Captain Stanley and Marco helped Johnny to hold the man still, Roy injected the mild sedative into his shoulder. When he was done he looked to Johnny.

"You all right, Junior?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Johnny answered, still all business as he moved to help lift his patient onto the gurney. The boy secured to the back board, was carried to the waiting ambulance.

Hank insisted that both Roy and Johnny accompany the patients to the hospital, Roy more to keep track of Johnny than any other reason. As they were loading the last of their equipment into the back of the ambulance Hank made eye contact with Roy and with a quick glance in Johnny's direction got his message across. He assigned Chet to drive the squad to the hospital.

Johnny spent most of the ride in assuring the father that he knew exactly how he felt and that he'd feel better in the morning. Before they arrived at Rampart the boy began to regain consciousness and was showing spontaneous movement in both his arms and legs.

Once at the hospital Johnny went into one treatment room with the father and Roy and the boy were sent into another. Since the father was taking a lot of attention to keep him calm, Roy was released first and quickly got a hold of Dr. Morton to share his and the Captain's concerns for Johnny.

Dr. Morton invited Johnny to sit down to a cup of coffee with him and even though he found the young paramedic quieter than usual he could find no reason not to allow him to return to work.

-0-

The drive back to the station was made in complete, nerve wracking silence; Chet was in the middle and could only look back and forth between Roy and Johnny. He wanted to say something to change the mood in the truck but wasn't sure what he dared say. Roy had to watch the road but whenever he could he'd look past Chet to see his partner sitting with his chin resting in his hand and his elbow resting on the door of the squad. He was totally focused on the windshield, but Roy was sure he wasn't seeing the scenery they were passing by.

When the squad was backed into the station and the engine turned off Roy reached across Chet and took a hold of Johnny's wrist and started counting a pulse.

"I'm fine, Roy," Johnny spoke but made no effort to pull away from the attention he was getting.

Roy finished counting the pulse and let go of his partner's wrist clearly clueless as what to do next. "You've been awfully quiet during the ride back to quarters, Junior."

"So have you, Pally."

"You scared the hell out of us back there, Gage," Chet admonished, finally breaking his silence.

"I know," John responded then opened the door and rolled out of the squad. Marco followed him to the locker room and watched through the window as John washed his face then pulled a book from his locker and made his way to the day room where he sat on the sofa and opened his book.

Captain Stanley sent the rest of his men to get ready for bed and after he watched John sit for five minutes without turning a page in his book, Hank gestured for Mike to keep an eye on John, then stepped into his office, shut the door and called Dr. Brackett.

-0-

The men of Station 51 were mulling around the day room, all of them dressed in their night turnouts and trying not to be obvious in their concern for one overly quiet paramedic. None of the men were willing to leave John alone even if they really didn't know why.

Roy had made a large batch of hot chocolate and had just managed to get his partner to take hold of a mug full when Cap walked in the room followed by Dr. Brackett and Dr. Winslow.

John looked up at the guests but remained in his seated position. "Are there a couple of heavy weight orderlies in the bay with a straight jacket in my size?"

"No," Dr. Winslow smiled, "Just a whole bunch of worried firemen in this room who have already demonstrated they can hold you down if they need to."

John gave a weak smile and nodded his head before silently looking at each man in the room.

"They tell me you had another rough domestic violence case tonight and they're worried about how you're handling everything since it's your first day back."

"The way they've made sure someone's watching me every second since I got back to the station I've kind of figured that out, Doc. The thing of it is, I think they're having a harder time dealing with it than I am, but I just don't know how to help them come to terms with whatever it is they need to come to terms with."

"It sounds to me like it would be best if we all sat down together and talked about it." Dr. Winslow directed and smiled at how fast four of the men found a seat. Captain Stanley pulled the two most comfortable chairs forward and motioned for the two doctors to take them before pulling the next available chair over for himself and sitting down.

"The station has been stood down for one hour while we deal with this," Hank commented before turning total control over to Dr. Winslow.

"Well then, what do you say we start with you telling me what happened tonight." Dr. Winslow opened the doors of communications. Johnny, remaining silent, looked to his partner and gave him a nod to begin.

"We got a call for a child down, with the added message that police had been dispatched," Roy started then paused.

"What's significant about the police being dispatched, don't they respond to all of your calls?"

"Yeah, they do," Captain Stanley spoke up. "But when they add that information to the call out it's their way of telling us they suspect some kind of violence."

"So is that why you sent the engine out when only the squad had been dispatched?" Dr. Winslow revealed he had done his homework here.

"Yeah, if it turned out to be a domestic violence situation I wanted to make sure John had all the support we could give him." Hank admitted feeling a little unnerved that his actions were so transparent to the Doctor.

"Had John shown any signs throughout the day that he might need that extra support?"

"I'm not sure. He's been a little quieter than usual but I just didn't want to take any chances on his first shift back. I was hoping he'd have a chance to settle in before he had to deal with that kind of thing again," Hank admitted.

"All right, so you used your authority to follow them out with the engine crew; what happened once you got there?" Dr, Winslow did his part to move the conversation forward.

"There was a kid, oh, about twelve years old, laid out on the floor, an upturned chair near his head and blood all over the place." Chet picked up the narrative. "John was working on the kid before anyone else had a chance to get into the room. Marco and I were sent for a back board and stuff to immobilize the kid."

"By the time we got back, John and Roy had him bandaged and as soon as they started an IV we helped them ease the kid onto the back board while the police were helping the ambulance attendants up the steps and moving some furniture to make room for their gurney." Marco picked up the details.

Mike took over from there. "Roy was just securing the victim to the back board when the father got all upset and ran from the room. John ran after him and the next thing we heard was a gun shot."

"Did anyone get shot?" Dr. Winslow urged the story forward.

"No," Hank spoke up again. "I guess the gun went off while John was trying to wrestle it away from the guy. But there was a while there where we didn't know what had happened for sure or if John was hurt. The Twit could have gotten himself killed."

"So could have you, the night you stopped me from jumping off the roof of the hospital. When you grabbed me I was so close to the edge either one of you could have been pushed over to your death." John spoke up for the first time in this session. "You of all people, Cap, should know that you should have a life line on before you try and move in on a jumper."

"Yeah, well, we didn't have time for that sort of thing at the time did we? And if we hadn't have acted when we did you could be dead now." Hank rose from his chair pointing his finger at John as the volume of his voice rose.

"If I hadn't have acted when I did tonight that kid's father could be dead right now, and for the very same reasons." John offered a comeback with a defensive tone but level volume to his voice.

"But Johnny you were pumped full of tranquilizers, you didn't know what you were doing." Chet offered further defense in their actions.

"I wasn't thinking straight I'll agree to that, but I knew what I was doing. The guy tonight was drunk, and confused and his judgment was just as affected as mine was, but I didn't take as many chances tonight as you guys did when I needed to be stopped."

"But, Johnny, we were your friends. I knew you'd never do anything to hurt any of us." Roy started to talk, his facial features showing his confusion as to where the conversation was going. "Besides, that guy tonight had beaten the crap out of his son; he deserved to blow his brains out." Roy suddenly froze as he realized what he was saying.

"I'm sure there were plenty of letters that said the same thing about me. You know those ones you hid and wouldn't let me read," Johnny came back.

All of the men who had so carefully hidden those letters turned stunned stares at the friend accusing them.

"I thought we did a pretty good job of keeping you from noticing," Mike gave voice to the group.

"If I was that brain dead they never would have let me come back to work," John snapped back sarcastically.

"There's truth in the saying that you should walk a mile in the man's moccasins before you can judge him. None of us have enough of the facts about what happened tonight nor do we know the man well enough to make the judgment that Roy just made. I've seen pure evil. George Danielson was thrilled at the thought that he'd taken the lives of his innocent children. He was completely enthralled in making his estranged wife suffer as he did everything he could think of to cause her further pain. That man tonight was horrified by what he thought he'd done I knew what he was feeling, I was where he was the night they woke me up at the hospital and tried to get me to remember where I'd left two little girls that I'd kidnapped. He deserved the same chance I got, the chance to sort everything out and think things through with a clear head." John stopped speaking long enough to take in two heavy panting breaths; he then locked eyes with his captain. "I did the right thing tonight. I did the right thing."

The room filled with silence once again, as all eyes locked on John.

"Johnny," Dr. Winslow took control once again, "Tell me in detail what happened after you followed the gentleman from the room tonight."

John sat his book and half drank mug of hot chocolate down on the floor at his feet then rubbed his thighs before leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

"I knew by what he was saying, while we were packaging his son, that the guy was in the same state I had been. For a while there I was right back in the emergency treatment room trying to wake up and come to terms with what they said I'd done. When he ran from the room I just knew he was in the same place I was when l looked over the edge of the roof and saw the end of all my shame. All the shame I had brought on the department and my friends. I'm not sure how I knew, but I knew he was going to do something because he was in that same place that we talked about when I was first released from lock up," John's full attention was locked on Dr. Winslow as he spoke. "I remembered you saying that the cases like mine, where the decision was made under the influence of mind numbing substances…I just knew I had to stop him. Not just for his sake but for his family's. I remembered what you said about my life mattering to a lot of people and I knew that his life does too. I knew that he was too drunk to think things through and come up with alternatives like we talked about."

Johnny paused and ran his tongue across his teeth. "I followed him into this bedroom; I'm sure it was the master bedroom, he went straight to a dresser drawer and pulled it open. I was trying to tell him that his son was going to be alright when I saw him lift a hand gun from the drawer and point it in the direction of his head. I could tell by the look on his face that he was just as serious as I had been when I looked over the edge of the roof, that he felt just as worthless, like he was a miserable human being that didn't deserve to live. I lunged at him and managed to get a hold of his hand and point the gun upward before he was able to pull the trigger. Then I was able to apply pressure on the nerve in his wrist to keep him from squeezing the trigger again until the police came in and took the gun from his hand and cuffed him. Then I stayed with him until Roy came in with the sedation."

"Was there any given point when the gun was pointed in your direction?" Dr. Winslow clarified more for the benefit of the others in the room than for himself.

"NO," John answered quickly. "Not once. He was just raising it to his head when I took a hold of his wrist and forced it to the ceiling. I even took a split second to remember if there was a room above his before I pointed the gun in that direction."

"It sounds to me that you acted quickly but were clear in your thoughts and still took safety precautions to protect your own life as well." Dr. Winslow's evaluation was as much for everyone in the room as for any other purpose.

"Yes, Sir," John answered succinctly

"So tell me, John, why were you so quiet and contemplative when Dr. Brackett and I first arrived?"

John leaned back against the back of the couch and let out a deep breath. "Several reasons really. I was comparing what happened tonight with where I was just a few weeks ago. Looking back at that time from where I am now is kind of overwhelming to realize just how dark my world was to me then, it feels pretty frightening to remember how close I came to throwing it all away. I've also been thinking about how everyone, all of my friends, well, like we've talked about several times, you and I, how they've found so many ways to hold on to me and give me the hope I needed to hold on to until everything could be worked out. You know, there really is a lot of truth to the saying that suicide is a permanent ending to a temporary problem. I know that I'm really lucky that someone was there to see to it that I had a chance to think things through and realize just how messed up I was."

Johnny took a couple of deep breaths and thought his next words through before speaking.

"I started noticing how everyone was watching me, they have been all day but more so since we all got back from that last run. I, well, I got to wondering what they were afraid I might do. I wonder if they trust me to do my job, if they can trust me in the heat of things to cover their backs and I don't know what to do to find out for sure or what to do if I'm right." John paused and took a deep, thinking breath. "I'm not sure how to convince them that I'm not all messed up any more, that I can cover their backs. The reason I'm still seeing you is to learn how to deal with what I saw so that I'll be able to sleep at night. I don't need to convince myself to keep living anymore."

The room once again filled with silence and Dr. Winslow checked his watch realizing that the time the fire department had allotted them was nearly over.

"I think John asked a good question. What are the rest of you afraid of? It must have been very frightening to see someone you care about nearly throw his life away. How do you feel now? Can you trust John to cover your backs?"

The room rumbled with unanimous confirmation that John was good at his job and could be trusted; Dr. Bracket nodded in agreement. They were all caught in thought not sure how to voice how they felt now.

"I think," Roy hesitantly started off, "that we all felt so helpless as we watched Johnny struggle with his emotions, and self worth before. It took us a while to find out just what happened to him and we all wanted to, I guess we wanted to somehow take all the pain and anguish away from him but there was nothing we could do to help him. I think we're all still trying to find ways to let him know how important he is to all of us."

"You had said that he was vulnerable," Captain Stanley started to find words for his feelings. "I guess we, or at least I am still thinking of him that way. I'm still in disbelief that someone who has always been so full of life could ever even considered taking his own. I still feel guilty that we allowed him to be locked up. I'm not sure what to expect from him after a situation like we had tonight. Now that I've heard him tell me what happened in his words, I can tell that he was in control and was just more in tune to what was going on than the rest of us."

"I realized something tonight that I've never realized before." Roy looked straight ahead at the air before him as he toyed with his own fingers. "We call it rule number one, we're told not to get emotionally involved with the patients that we treat because it will interfere with our objectivity and burn us out personally. Sometimes to get through a bad run we start telling ourselves, like I did tonight, that the person deserved it. I'm going to have to work on correcting that tendency in the future."

"I think we're the ones who needed this counseling session more than Johnny," Mike spoke introspectively. "There were a lot of things that were talked about tonight that I didn't know I was worried about. I almost always worry about Johnny, he always puts everything he is and has on the line for the sake of a patient or for any one of us. I'm not now nor have I ever been worried that he wouldn't or couldn't back up any one of us, or even protect us with his own life if need be. I'm just not sure he knows that his life is just as valuable as anyone else's and that he needs to look out for himself a little more than he does."

"I second that motion," Marco spoke up, "especially the part about trusting him with my life and the part that I don't want him to get hurt in the process."

"Third," Chet spoke with a raise of his hand.

"Me four." Roy repeated the motion.

"Five here," Captain Stanley added. "I could always do with a little less paperwork."

"Make that six," Dr. Brackett added his two cents worth. "I put a lot of work into training you two, but not nearly as much as you put into training me. You both make a difference out there but you need to stay healthy to keep doing that."

Dr. Winslow watched Johnny's reaction to all his station family had to say. He also knew that Johnny could tell by his silence that he was waiting for Johnny to speak. There was clearly something more on the young man's mind at the moment. Whether it was something he felt he could talk about in front of the group or something that needed to wait for a private session, Dr. Winslow didn't know. His way of finding out at the moment was to let the silence linger.

"You know," Johnny started to talk and leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. "The last few weeks have been real hard on me. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I didn't know it was possible to be so, so. . . . I can't think of a word that's dark enough, horrible enough, to describe the despair I've felt at times. All I've wanted to do is forget, forget every piece of what happened to me. And then tonight, something happened, something good happened because of it all. I don't know if I would have understood what was happening in time to save that guy if I hadn't have gone through all this myself."

Johnny became silent but was clearly trying to find words for his feelings. "I don't know what I'm trying to say really, it's just so hard to think of anything good coming out of what I've been through."

Dr. Winslow remained silent, he was prepared to say something but hoped someone else would say it first.

"Is this an example of when life hands you a lemon you can either turn into a sour puss or squeeze everything out of it and make lemonade," Chet supplied the metaphor that was needed.

Roy spoke up. "I'd have to say Johnny has certainly done that. He has really done a lot of good for a lot of people."

"Doc," Johnny looked up, "Am I ever going to be myself again?"

"That's a heavy question Johnny; we're going to have to explore what you mean by being yourself. Sadly most people who endure the kinds of things you have say they'll never be the same again. When I look at you I think of the metaphor that the grind of life either wears you down or polishes you up, it depends on what you're made of. In the few weeks that I've known you I've seen a diamond not sandstone."

The silence lingered longer than any other moment since the two doctors arrived.

"So what do we do now?" Mike asked.

"I guess the first thing that needs to happen is that Cap has to decide if he thinks I can do my job or if I need to go home." Johnny put forth the motion.

"John, I want you to know, I never questioned if you could do your job and you have been the ultimate professional. My fear has been what your job is going to do to you. Unless the doctor's feel otherwise I'd like you to finish your shift, and be back for all the rest."

"I don't see anything that will compromise his recovery," Dr. Winslow offered.

"Me either," Dr. Brackett added.

"Good, then I'll, um, I'll sleep out here on the sofa so that I don't wake anyone up tonight." Johnny said, hesitantly.

"I don't think so," Hank sounded like the commander that he was. "You'll sleep better in your bunk; if we get woke up we'll deal with it."

"Yeah, I think we'll all sleep a little better if we have you where we can keep an eye on you," Chet added.

"I agree with Chet," Mike said, looking at Johnny. "Not that we don't trust you or anything, we just all want to keep an eye on you, that's all."

The rest of the crew motioned in silent agreement and the doctors said their good-byes so that the crew could make their way to bed.

John was positioning his turn out pants and boots when Marco approached him with an extra pillow. "I know you've been taught to use a pillow to stay calm; I found this one in the linen closet."

Chet silently moved in with a bucket full of water and set it on the floor at the foot of John's bunk.

"What's that for, Chet?" Roy asked. John leaned over the edge of his bed and looked into the bucket to see several ice cubes floating at the top.

"In case he starts sleepwalking," Chet answered matter of factly as groans of displeasure filled the dorm. "What do you want me to do, tell him a bedtime story?"

"Hey, that's a good idea," Roy jumped to attention. "Johnny would you like me to tell you a bedtime story?"

"I'd probably fall asleep before you were done Roy," Johnny responded to the teasing with a smirk. "Why don't we save it for another night."

"I think this is a good night to break this in," Captain Stanley walked in carrying the Dream Catcher that he had been storing in his truck since Johnny made it and gave it to him. "John, where's the best place to hang this thing so it will catch all the bad dreams around here?"

Together the crew decided to hang it from the rafter that ran down the middle of the dorm at a position nearly equal distance from each bunk.

It was Mike that climbed on the dividing walls to hand the cultural decoration. When that was done Hank declared lights out.

Johnny lay still in the darkness. He could feel every eye in the station on him even though he knew most of them couldn't see him.

He knew his next session with Dr. Winslow would be spent explaining why his life wasn't worth as much as the others on his crew. Roy, Cap, Mike all had wives and children who needed them, Marco a large extended family and Chet had a brother and sister and mother counting on him. John had no one outside his firefighting family. But then he did have all of them.

In the light of the moon that filtered through the windows, John could see the dream catcher spin in the air currents from the air conditioner. As it turned John pictured a radar satellite watching for all incoming missiles like the one on the aircraft carrier in the book he was reading.

Feeling safer than he had in weeks, John's eyes grew heavy as thoughts floated through his mind. Was he liked and cared for because he had a good soul or did he have a good soul because he was liked and cared for? That sounded like another question to bring up with Dr. Winslow.

Sleep came, sweet peaceful sleep.

The End


End file.
